Shooting Stars

“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?”


Gone. Just like that.

One fine day I find out that Sheetanshu is no more. How is that possible? He just turned 33. We were together night before last on Diwali eve…he is so young? We are all were at my place playing cards till 3 am night before Diwali?? I mean I just spoke with him yesterday…what the hell are you saying? I mean I flew in early from Bbay to celebrate his birthday and wanted to keep it a surprise…what a fun evening it was, celebration of being alive and clocking another year. And now he is no more…just like that he had a heart attack. How kind he was to me? He and his better half shared their friendship with me unabashedly. What a Rock star!

Two days later while I am UK I find out that Nandu is no more… one of the most respected guys of the Advertising Industry is not here any more. Nandu like me was a regular Facebooker and without fail have an interesting update, quiz or music link uploaded. I did not know him too well but we certainly spoke now and then on FB. I looked forward to his updates, it had become a habit. There are regulars on FB and he was one of them on my page. I had time to get to know him better so I never bothered speeding up the process. What a Rock star too!

One a dear friend with whom there was still so much more to share, learn, talk, exchange…the other a quiet inspiration who was very close to a lot of friends of mine…and both the deaths shook me equally. Two Stars gone...just like that to heart attacks.Too young..too soon!

Made me question life..since 10th Nov that all I have been doing…thinking …questioning…agonizing and GRIEVING!

What is death…just a reminder that we are LIVING?!

A seed for Thought the ones like me who can’ t understand why the good ones are taken away do fast and the terrible ones live to be 100!!

PS: My last post was after I came back from Sheetanshu's birthday party at 2.30 am. How happy I was to have him and his wife as my friends. Little did I know that my next post will be after he is no more...I feel immense sorrow and can't stop grieving.

:)

There is an old saying that "You can't shake hands with a clenched fist". For a heartwarming friendship you need to open your self...your heart to let people in.

I am so thankful for the friends I have had and the friends who have walked into my life in the past year. Its like a wave of people entering my life. Good, happy people who are comfortable being themselves. They celebrate their lives in every possible way. I am so glad they encourage me to celebrate mine.

Most of these people are in my life because of M today and I am most thankful to my beau for that. You are amazing M for shaking hands with me with the largest open handed handshake.

Some time saying less is more. So all I have to say today is " :)"

Depth of friendship does not depend on length of acquaintance, is that a truth I might learn? A Seed for thought for the ones like me who over the years have started giving the number of years far more importance.

Turn Turn Turn

“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare

My life has taken a turn...a turn that I don't at times have the intelligence or foresight to comprehend.

I didn't think I would be here...its so so so much better. No more feeling unwanted...unloved. I seem to have got life back into me. I am living again.

Yet there is sadness...years back I had ticked that box of a life partner.  I would never be alone again. I am back at that same point...and this time there is no box to tick. Yes, I know I know a lot of you out there say that there is hope...and who knows tomorrow. Yadi yadi ya. Its not that. Its just that the goal post have changed.

I will never be that beautiful young girl again... you have no idea how gorgeous I looked at my wedding. Looking back I can say that I have never looked that beautiful as I did that day. No, been there and done that. Its time to now look at life in another way. Achieve other life goals.

I found my ex cheating on me for the 100th time in Goa and that is where it was over for good. While I caught him in the act, right next to us were sitting this couple, Childhood friend of my ex. His wife was having trouble conceiving and I could totally understand how she felt as I was going through the same. Well, anyways I bumped into her yesterday with her 6 month old son. How time has flown...here she is with a baby that all but  a conversation a few years back and me, well, I have made peace with the fact (with much mental turmoil I admit) that I will never have that chance in my life.

So much one goes through...and yet there is so much life still left to live. All I know that during the festival time I feel a bit sad. I hope one day I will be over it, stop feeling sorry for my self. I hope one day when Karva chauth is round the corner I am strong enough to stay and face it and not run away.

I hope one day I understand how beautifully life tuned for me.

A Seed for thought for those who like me can't understand why they are sad when there is so much to be thankful for.

Kill It

Fear cannot take what you do not give it. Hmm.. true that!

Fear overcomes fear. I have lived a life full of fear for a while. I grew up a very fearless girl...rather I could do anything that a boy could do, only better. As a kid I learnt to cycle on my own...no one taught me, held my cycle, saved me from falling etc. I knew no fear! Then why did a failing relationship bind me down so bad that all I could feel was fear. I often think about it now...as I conquer all these new found fears, one by one.

For a kid who could spend a long time in the cupboard hiding to win a game of hide and seek, today I can barely get into an elevator alone. Strange as for years I worked on the 8th floor of a building and never gave it a thought. Just as my life was falling apart one day I got stuck in the elevator for not more than a minute, the longest minute of my life I may add. The next thing you know I started getting panic attacks on stepping into a elevator alone or even a flight or any closed space. It became so bad that I actually ran out of a movie halls when the lights went off. No one including my parents could get this strange phenomenon taking over my life....FEAR!!!

The other fear I developed was of driving. I drove a kinetic for a few years and never gave driving a second thought. Cut to a few years later I just could not get my self to drive a car. So as a 20 something I had a driver to ferry me around. I just could not understand why I would freeze every time I got behind the wheel. Another unfounded fear...another thing that was binding me down.

So the first thing I did after moving out was to sort the damn fears. Though I have to admit, I did a HUGE support of friends and family. So one fine day I sacked my driver and got behind the wheel. No driving classes...nothing! Just plain ol good sense and drove to work. Needless to say I could barely stand once I reached work, my legs were shaking!!! But I did it...I kicking my fucking fear hard.

Today I am driving all over and my aim is to drive to the hills. Fear is a coward my friends. I think sometimes the fear of loss opens us up to attract more fear. Its like mind goes weak as one fear is spreading like cancer and the next thing you know all other cancerous fears start taking over. Reclaim you life... reclaim those fearless years. I know for me it helped me face my fears. I looked deep into fears eyes till it looked away. I starved it. I refused to feed my fear with more fear. One by one its dying. I am enjoying every bit of killing it. I know I am still work in progress...and get there I will.

The best gift I gave my self was to fight back fear. I took it by surprise, just when it got all cozy and warm in my being. I am so glad I am driving around...singing along loudly with songs on FM, on my way to work every morning. Some times in my rear view mirror I see the girl who learnt to cycle on her own at age 5 and I wave to her and she gives me the thumbs up.

Its within us to choose to be fearful of the dark or have deep fear of the light. Choose your path carefully. A Seed for Though for the ones who choose fear of light

Slave

Most people are too busy earning a living to make any money.


I am a slave in a democracy. That’s what I feel like at times. Who says slavery is over, I think its only got reformed. I will be waking up till I am 60 yrs old and will leave for office every single day. I need to earn a living or I will die of hunger. I have to work every god damn day to ensure that I have resources to feed, clothe and provide for my self. I am a slave in the corporate world, the only difference being that I am not chained physically to my desk. But all the invisible chain and ball are tied to me though email, blackberry et al. Hell ya… I am a full on slave for sure!

I have NO TIME to stand and stare. I am always running to meet deadlines, flights, cabs, meetings etc. From the time I leave home in the morning, I am in a race, all that just so that I can make ends meet. What if I want to just live by a river side…grow my own vegetables? Well yes of course you can maam starting at 1.5 crores a house!

All of us are just toiling away every single day so that we can provide. Man has complicated his being on earth so damn much that we are slaves to ourselves now. Our needs and desires have got us hostage. We can never be free. Our quest only is material and it’s not going to end in this life time.

All I want is that little piece of land.

Are people better at making money and assets or am I just plain stupid?? A Seed for Thought for a very foolish me.

Sista's

"Let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit." Kahil Gibran


I Just got back after a hectic work trip that I combined with a personal holiday. It was such a rejuvenating holiday for me. 2 days …that’s all it took to feel like a girl again, a lucky girl. I am a very lucky girl and sadly at times I go out of my way to forget that. Why don’t I remember the fact that things could have been weirder and far less cooler??!

I look back and see the wonderful friendships that I have endured, nourished and grown over the past few years. It’s not easy I think to find friends, but I think it’s even more difficult to maintain friends when you find them. It takes so little to walk away from friendships and other things that require our attention. It’s so easy to give up.

I am so glad that I endured these friendships. It has been a ride over the past years. We go back to the time that most of our current friends have not been part of. What we do for each other is keep the youth warm and cosy in our memories. No don’t get me wrong…its not that we are old or something (far from that!). By youth I mean we remind each other of the rather foolish yet gusty decision we made while growing up. Some thing as simple as bunking a class is gusty I think…something that we did with such ease and flourish…and today we think 40 times before taking an impulsive half day from work. That is what we keep warm in our memories…the small gusty things that each one of us did…and can STILL DO!

We take care of each other yet we lead insular lives. So much goes on day to day that I don’t think we can keep up with the goings on. Yet, we gather each other and prod the other to walk that last mile of any race of life. Together we can put back a broken soul with the strength of our friendship. I know as I have witnessed this miracle.

I have many new friends and they accept me for who I am today. I need them too for they are my today but my yester friends are my yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Are friendships our biggest test of time? A Seed for Thought for the ones like me who has many many friends and well wishers but my best friends have been and will be the ones with whom I endure the passage of time.

Yawn!

I am bored!! So many changes in my life, things to do lists, places to go, dreams to live …yet I am bored.


I mean do you see how high maintenance I must be for my self. Always trying to entertain me! Keeping my self occupied with hours of net surfing. Checking out blogs, gossip sites, cooking tips, fashion and beauty updates. I am constantly reading, either a book or a magazine or a blog or an email or a txt message. My eyes and brain are constantly flirting, you do this ..I do that!!

When I get bored of living my life vicariously through the net then I take out time and meet real people aka friends and family. I will socialize…meet, dine, wine, and talk. Something is going on constantly. Talking, listening, emoting, expressing, and indulging.

I will find my self spending hours in traffic jams. In midst of the chaos on the roads, I will be connecting to the RJ on my favorite radio channel, taking work calls, cursing the car that grazed me by, smiling at the dude in the next car, scowling at the beggar who wont leave me alone.

If that too is not enough I will find my self cleaning my house, my office space, my car. Cleaning out the cobwebs constantly. Well, when I am done with that then I might find my self in a mall or cinema. Either window shopping, thinking …debating, to buy or not to buy. Once done with that I will watch a movie…connect to it …think over it, like it, hate it…occupy my brain with it as if it already wasn’t doing enough.

I might even find my self sitting in my terrace and reflect about my past, dwell in my present and day dream about my future. You see my friends its non stop!! In spite of doing all this and more…I find my self in this place in time…where I am freaking bored!!!

Boredom: The desire for desires?? Is that true?! A Seed for Thought for people who are too bored to be thinking about boredom!

Credit

I know I don’t give you much credit

But you have got to know…

It’s important for me to express my self

And move on for sure



Mush is not my nature

I know you have rescued me

Don’t feel sorry for your self

Coz you feel I am too damn weak



This too shall pass

And my baggage will be free

But for that at times

I need to express grief



Lord has a plan

And I have mine too

You feature in mine big time

After all he has put you here



Lets just laugh like mad kids

Like we always do

I won’t be grieving for long

That I promise you!



Laughter and sunshine
 
is what I have in mind
 
for I know that darkness
 
has lead me to this light!!

Me Lord

This is an email I sent to my MD and CEO today morning. I desperately need help and am clearly frustrated. This was a trigger after my very able colleague in UK suggested I might want to collect press pieces from publication on a bike as NYC colleagues do that!! I have been having very frustrating times trying to retrieve pieces from "A" particular magazine.

NYC...did you really just compare us to NYC. Errr...really...have you any idea what cycling in 40 degrees Celsius can do to a human being, esp the lah di dah ones like me!! I have no idea if I still have a job after this email is read.

The email:

Morning Me Lords,


In Bollywood Movies once the hero/heroine(aka aunty small miracle) is bereft of all that they have ever had…they goes to only one place that they know they will get answers from. THE TEMPLE OF GOD!!! So, today I find my self on the door steps of the my 2 Lord and masters…I am now ringing the bells in great earnest for my wish to be heard. I will ensure that every Courier Company personally knows me by name in all the 4 metros of our country…and I cycle to every nook and corner to pick up sample pieces if need be…But for that I need some assistance. I would be most grateful if we could PLEASE look at hiring an executive for Marketing.


If there was not so much pressure, I can assure you, I would not be at your doorstep ringing the bells of despair!


Next time I get such request of spending hours trying to get a garment back, I can then with joy look at my colleagues in UK and say “ Tumahare paas Christopher or Angela hai par mere paas EXECUTIVE hai!”


Can we please discuss having an executive in marketing?

Thanks!

Small Miracle

Hmmm

Some times the best way to have a good look at your self is through some one else eyes...and hope in hell that you like what you see.

There are often times we are a projection of what we are expected to be. In the projection we start to believe who we want to be and maybe not who we really are. The moment of truth is when you hear what people who matter think of you. Sometimes its like they are talking about a different person...this is not me, how often have we said that to our selves??

D always told me from childhood that I was very difficult to deal with when I sulk. I want to wallow in my own cocoon of emotions. The more she tried to make me feel better the worse I felt. I just can't snap out of it. Do people snap out of funk just like that?? Is that true and if it is then why am I not able to do that??

That is just how I am. Once I snap out of it I am fine and normal, as expected by society. I just always feel like I am not given my time with the dark side...why can't I just be dark for a while?? More than you its me who doesn't like to go to the dark side. I know that when I do I will be told what a sulky poo I can be. I don't scream and shout, abuse, throw crockery, get into mad rage fits. I wish I did that, but I don't. All I do is retreat into my being till I am OK to face the world.

Mostly I like what I see of my self through some one else eyes and then there are times I just don't like it at all. Is it important to be nice and bubbly all the time? A Seed for Thought for the ones like me who are constantly searching the ways of being a better person and finding the path bumpy.

Cheated Emotions

Sometimes its important that we pretend its all right. I know its sounds so wrong. Aren't we supposed to be who we are? This statement goes against the modern belief of being in the moment and expressing what we feel. I would even say something like this...be a lie??

This is what I do. I pretend on bad days that I will be fine. I pretend that the loneliness is not unbearable and soon I am less lonely. As I am not thinking of it constantly, its not a thought in my mind. The more I pretend to be OK...the better I get.

I realise it now that the more I give into my FEELING...more lost I get. Suddenly I find my self in a maze of emotions and can't seem to find my way out at all. Before you know it I am engulfed in my FEELINGS so damn much that I forget every one else's feelings. Its like you are sucked deep inside your head and heart...the more you think about the more you slip deeper and deeper in filth of slimy emotions...all negative thoughts start caving into me. Soon I can't breathe, the only escape is tears...streams of tears that I can't stop.

Then my logical mind is battling with my absolutely illogical emotions. The battles rages on and on...and like like any battle field once its over...all you see are debris of OTHER peoples emotions along with mine. Clearly in the battle other people's emotions have got slayed. The more people try to help the worse they get hurt...

So I say pretend. At least that ways you are only cleaning up the mess of your emotions and not other peoples who matter to you.

As a wise person once said "Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.”

When your emotions mess with you, one should mess back by pretending its not happening. Take the power away from the damn emotions, confuse them, trick them. A Seed for a Thought for the ones who get led by the damn emotions like me.

Old

How will I be when I grow old?

Will I stoop when I will walk
Will my eyes still twinkle

Will I be jaded 
Will I still believe

Will I be happy 
Will I just fade

Will I enjoy all things new 
Will I just retreat

How will I be when I grow Old?

Will I be bitter for things that could not be
Will be thankful for the life I have lived

Will I be joyful
Will I be regretful

Will I make tea and enjoy it peacefully
Will I think I have no company

Will I be content with the way things turned out for me
Will I think God, you did not do this for me?

Will I have friends who will share a smile frequently
Will I think now no one has time left for me

Will I be inspiring in Old age
Will I think its just not worth my time

Will I live happily in my cottage by the sea
Will be stuck in the ocean in the city

Will I be thankful that I have lived a full life
Will I think life passed me by quickly

Will I meet death and say how quickly you came by
Will I wait for it to come and get me

How will I be when I grow Old?

Answers

If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you. Eliot 

In the past few days I have been bombarded with questions, loads of personal questions that I may never have any answers to. I am going to reflect on 2 of them.

While in Pune I bumped into a ex batch mate. We go back 15 years or more. She was dating a very dear friend of mine who she later went on to marry. They have had a very messy divorce after nearly a decade of marriage. She had heard about me through grapevine and was very curious as expected. Needless to say I thoroughly disappointed her with no drama or bitter rantings. Next day she sent me a long mail on Facebook with all the things my friend had done to her. At first I thought I will ignore it but realized it was just a way for a woman who is angry with destiny, just as I was not very long back. She needed to vent. So I let her. What followed was a few days of furious mails filling my in-box. All I could tell her was move on and let him go...from your heart and soul. She asked me again and again as to why I did not fight for an alimony and let him go easy. Hmmm...let him go easy.

I though a lot about that statement. "Let him go easy". Well, I let him in my life easy...I didn't fight him. Rather I invited him into my life with open arms...so when the time had come for him to leave my life why would I think that let him not go easy. So I would have fought for an alimony and made him feel miserable for what he had done to our relationship. I would make him feel all important in the beginning of every month that I STILL need the man...like hell I would. We both were batch mates at our MBA class. Am I going to make him believe that I need his money as I can't do better than him. No people...Small Miracle is slogging as we speak. I am so going to leave him way behind in this race that he is of no consequence to me.

I don't know what is right or wrong way to do this..but I do know that I will do it my way. Not the way the society expects me to. I believe there is a GOD and I am not going to do his job. I can't be wasting my time trying to bring nik to justice when I can spend that time rebuilding my life. What he did was wrong...very wrong, and yes he will pay like all of us will for our wrong doings. It just wont be me bringing him to justice, I leave that to my very efficient god. At his own time...

 A few days back I met another friend. A very concerned mature male friend. His question to me was "what if this one is a cheater too". Well, that got me thinking...yes, what if this one is a cheater too. I will never know now, will I? My friend might be right, he says that I didn't know I was being cheated on for years, living under the same roof. How will I ever know now??

No I will never know, I am very dumb like that. I take people for who they make me believe they are. Especially in the matters of the heart. NO I MIGHT NEVER KNOW. But what I do know is that now onwards I will not be spending years of my life putting wrong to right. Been there, done that and Failed miserably! If ain't working, don't try to fix it beyond a point and always remember the directions to the door :)

I live in hope that there are good, decent, honest, loving men out there...I hope to remain a person who is hopeful.

Why is it so difficult to let go of people who hurt us so damn much and yet find it difficult to trust the ones who show us love?? A Seed for thought my dear friends...

Circles in the Air

When I got all the Answers, my Questions had changed. Circles in the Air…Round and Round.


Life does come full circle, doesn’t it? One fine day you complete a karmic, emotional, physical and spiritual journey. What you are left with is the realization that the circle is complete…

I went back to Pune after a few years. This is where I did my MBA and met nik. We started dating and went of on spend 2 years absolutely inseparable. I was so unsure if I wanted to go back there…what if everything came rushing back to me?? I have worked too damn hard to restart my life and I didn’t want to allow my self to be in that emotional place again.

Well, I had a choice, either I sit paralyzed in fear of what if or take that much needed break that I so deserved and go meet my beau. Have you noticed how my life is FULL of these strange situations? Well, after days of dilly dallying I decided to go meet my fears at Pune.

Lets just say from the moment I landed, in apprehension, I was just swept away with positivity and exuberance. I got picked up at the airport and had a really mad fun ride in an Auto. Hadn’t done that in the longest time. Rather than meeting fear I actually met my youth. It was waiting for me…I guess for years. Hoping one day I will come back and visit. Back to River view at Koregaon Park...waiting in a Que to enter a club after years. It all felt just right.

I had such a joyful stay…went all over. All I had was great memories of Tiks, R, my mad surd gang at Koregaon Park and Birds Nest. My brother got married in Pune. I first learnt to drive my kinetic here…first time got smashed drunk here…so many firsts.

R do you remember how mad we were? Like nothing could touch us....from buying ciggies from the railway station to dragging my kiney in the night outside the colony to drive down to Koregaon. No one could rule us. We were the keepers of our precious life.

Eerily I got a call from nik when I was there and I am happy to report that I didn’t think twice before not taking his call. Nor did I dwell on it….it like I was being tested by destiny and I didn't crumble as expected.

Pune has changed for the better…and I guess so have I. There I was hoping to get some answers to a broken past, just to realize that nothing is physical …its just circles in the air…those fade away in time. I was happy to have gone to be with someone who matter and to whom I matter. Another circle in the air!

The more we try to circle our life into a set universe pattern...the more circles in the air we make…Seed for Thought for those who like me have spent years bringing order in my mythical universe. Loosen Up. Live for today!

Unwind

She: (on the phone)I have had such a tiring day at work. Bad terrible day.


He: Listen just relax. Be positive. This too shall pass

She: There is nothing to this day that I can turn positive. My life is a mess.

He: Try living.You give up very fast in life

She: I am tired of life at times. It’s such a grind. Can this slog not ever end?

He: Why do you have to be so negative? Relax baby, be happy to be alive

She : You won’t get it. Life is so complicated. Some days are just an emotional and physical drain. Can't wait to get out of office

He: I wont get it?? Do I not live on the same planet

She: Ok forget this…let me come home and make some nice spicy chicken and unwind over dinner

He: Ok that sounds good. But, you do know that I don’t like spicy food

She: Ok Ok what ever makes you happy. I just want to come home to you. Don't go back tonight...stay for dinner.

He: See you soon baby!


Evening a very tired She rings the door bell.


He: Don’t open your eyes. I mean walk in but keep your eyes closed. What the heck let me close your eyes and walk you in? No peeking!!

She: (hearts thumping)What’s happening?? I can hear lovely music. What’s the surprise?? This is too exciting!

He: (Sits her down on a couch). Have you ever sat here before?

She: (whispers) no actually no one has. Its been a piece of new furniture..not yet a part of my new home.

He: Why are you looking so shocked my dear? You can blink you know!

She: (her eyes are darting about the room) God! You have taken out all the candles and lit them. My favorite wine is out of the rack and wait..my wine glasses too!!

He: Now sit back on your new couch, sip on your favorite red wine in your favorite glass...thats how you do things when you have people over...right?

She: But, I mean, how…Gosh! I am stuttering aren’t I??

He: (an hour and a wine bottle later, running his fingers through her hair) How are your nerves now?

She: I can’t believe you actually entered the kitchen and made spicy chicken….you don’t even eat spicy food and yet you ate every last bit with me…I think the wine has gone to my head!

He: I don’t know about the wine but you have come into my heart. I see you battle it out every day…I even urge you to the battle. Love remember one thing, while life is making you stronger and I am making you softer..

She: (Looking into his eyes) You make so much sense, always! Every day I am hardened yet I grow softer in my heart. Only you and I can understand this. This was the most perfect day…you are adored!

100!

100th post…wow! I didn’t think that I would ever write and for that matter if any one would even bother commenting/reading/debating. It’s been such a crazy experience, this Blogging. I made 2 friends who are bloggers and now we have crossed over from cyber space to the real world. Agent Green Grass and Sepulcher…thank you for reading and extending your friendship.


The biggest thank you, to R and Tattoo Boy for encouraging me. Although I was already blogging since 2007 but sometime in 2008 R called me said..Listen small miracle why don’t you try your hand at writing. There is so much you have to get out of your system. There in started my catharsis on the cyber world…where I could be anonymous yet express and vent. So much has happened since 2007 till now. It feels like I have lived a life time.

Looking back I can’t believe not only did I walk through fire…I also survived and now I am thriving…who would have thought. I want to also express my joy to my new DUDE beau ( he is not very happy being referred to as "gorgeous"...too feminine fer him he says). I appreciate all his "think happy thoughts and write positive" feedback on my blog...

Just like that one day it’s the 100th post. Just like that life happens to you…through it all just try to remember that, There is only one you for ALL TIME. Fearlessly be your self.

A Roman Philosopher once said “Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.” I have experienced it all..have you??

A Seed for Thought for the ones who don’t marvel the wonderment called time.

Lardy Hell!!

1. New Home – tick


2. New Job – tick

3. New Romance – tick

4. New Life - tick

5. New physical fitness regimen - why the hell can’t I get to tick this box!

After much procrastination, the last bit of getting my life in order has been set in motion. My office has moved just 10 minutes away…and I nearly cross my gym everyday. But I just can’t get myself to get into the gym. It’s like I come under a spell and drive right past it. I can’t feel a thing. Nothing. No remorse of spending hundred of rupees at the gym at my annual membership. What is wrong with me?? After years of being physically fit and avid gym-er it’s literally something I can’t get my self to do.


Then I go on this beautiful holiday to the hills. River rafting with my new beau (did I mention I have one and he’s gorgeous!) and all the fun was had. I come back and excitedly go through the pictures. Halfway through I give out this blood curdling scream…a shriek that scared me too. What do I see here now…I mean this is just not possible…could it be true.. I mean IT IS true but this can’t be happening to me. I see this picture of mine with a paunch…People it’s “I am preggers with your baby” paunch!!

Bloody hell…I had the most in-shape body with a creep who cheated on me… what a freakin waste! Now how am I ever supposed to get to the next level with the gorgeous one??! That kinda woke me out of my long slumber of fitness. I had been so busy repairing my life that I had totally forgotten that stress has begun to show on me right there…at my mid section, swollen face, big hips. I can’t seem to even fit into my favorite Victoria Secrets!!!

So a few days back I pulled my self to the gym…for the love of self and the gorgeous one. I must, I must, I must reduce this paunch!!! It’s been such a painful experience of walking, jogging, kick boxing, stretching….I can go on. I know its going to taking sweating it out for hours, days, weeks and months. Just when the mental test got over, the physical one began. Lardy hell!!

While I run to put my body back in order, the man who got me to this super stressed place has just acquired himself a BMW!! Is there any thing left to see in life I wonder?? Where the fuck is my SMALL MIRACLE!!!! God I don't ask for a fancy alimony,  a flatter stomach and size 8 will do for now!!!!

“Why do bad things happen to good people?” Coz it’s a bet between God and Satan to see if the good one will go over to the dark side….and scratch cheaters BMW with a wide blade! A Seed for Thought!

fireflies- Owl City

haven't been able to get this song out of my head...love it..Put up the volume and enjoyyyyyyy!!!

Sringhaar

Today was one of those days when it is burning hot outside and all the cars decided to pile up at every damn street crossing. I took forever to get to my new work place (3rd day at work!). So like many other people I was busy getting grumpy behind the wheel when I heard a knock on my car window. With a big fat frown I turned towards this really cute beggar girl. She wanted a rupee and I wasn’t in the mood to give out any alms, after all I was really grumpy you know!


Then I noticed very pretty gold earrings she was wearing (yeps gold!!) and signaled to her that they are very pretty. She gave me a BIG smile and blushed a little even. Then she with a big grin showed me her glass bangles to which I signaled great stuff. The she open her palms and showed me a henna design. I smiled and showed her my ring and at that point the signal changed to green. While I was just taking off she ran next to my window and showed me her silver nail paint! I blew her a kiss.

What and extra ordinary way to start the day. Especially in middle of so much of chaos and grumpy faces in every car. Made me smile. This exchange also led me to think that end of the day a girl is a girl. We all like to dress up, wear jewellery, bangles, and paint our nails. Here is a beggar girl with all the essential “Sringhaar” of an Indian woman. If only she had got her hair done… I don’t think she would have been any different from the girls driving their cars to work.

“Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.” A Seed for Thought for those who take beauty of life for granted?!

Happy

Change the way you feel inside and you will attract a totally different kind of persona in your life

Well, I couldn't agree more. So much has changed inside me. So much of turmoil in my life has led to a much more calmer, stronger, loving me. What amazes me is how am I finding the ability to feel so much of love and friendship inside me?? Where is it coming from?! I am the jilted lover and spouse (ex spouse to be precise...the legal papers are through!) then how do I find my heart brimming over with sooooo much of white light and affection?

I have learnt that the change is within..if we are able to grasp that, we are able to steer our life into a direction that is right for our soul. I am just so thankful to all the people in my life who have stood by me though my pain,confusion and turmoil. I am thankful to Roohie for having me over at her place the day my papers came though...on my Birthday that too. Rebirth.

The change within has made me love the ones who deserve my love. I seem to also have attracted a lot of fun loving people. They surround me with joy and laughter. We all get together and have absolute mad conversations over fancy glasses of red wine, spicy chicken and smokes. Things I haven't done in the longest time!

I am now sure that the change came about as the biggest change happened within me. We are own best friends or worst enemies, A Seed for thought for those us who depend on others for love n hate.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection."

Buddha

I Quit!

So after 9 years of working with VAA, I finally quit. Its over, done…dried and dusted…n all that jazz.

So much has happened in the past decade of my working here. Its like I have lived a lifetime. I have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. From adverting, events, online, outdoor and mobile marketing....all has been done and innovated on. Most of all I got to work personally with one of the most inspiring leaders of the world… Richard B!!

Just like that one day I will not be going to work at VAA…but another office instead. Just like that a routine of a decade will be broken. Just like that one day it will not be my brand anymore…some one else will come and take over my baby.

I am going through so many emotions at the same time. A feeling of Joy for I knew the time had come to move on. Relief as I didn’t think I would get a job anywhere else ever! Mental Peace as now I will have money to buy furniture, finally after all these months. Nostalgia for what the 9 years have been. Fear of the new industry and work environment. Excitement for a new chapter that is to begin. Finally I feel Passion creeping back into my life!!

Just like that I am not going to be a Virgin anymore : ) and this time round losing my virginity will be one of the saddest days of my life.

“Habit with him was all the test of truth, it must be right: I've done it from my youth."

A Seed for Thought for Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters.

Jump

Some times in life we have to take that leap of faith. We take a deep breath and know it in our bones that THE time has come. The time has come to take that BIG leap of Faith! Most importantly we have to know that when we take that big leap of faith in life for what ever reasons... A safety net will appear.

Jump fearlessly and the net will appear. Just like that...

I did and I am still bouncing with Joy....A Seed for Thought those who fear that the net won't appear.

Sorry

Have you ever thought about how the word Sorry originated? Some one out there sat and said OK there will be one word in the English language that will make all wrongs, right. So you can say, do or behave any which way and by just saying “Sorry” all peace will be restored.

I for one was drilled in with “Sorry” and “Thank You” during my formative years. If you did something wrong you said sorry, like it or not. If some one did something for you said “Thank You”. SIMPLE! If A n I didn’t comply we were reprimanded. These are things that we clearly did not compromise on. Today my Sorry’s and Thank you’s come very easily.

I bump into someone unintentionally in the Mall I will say sorry and every morning while stepping out of the lift I will say thank you to the liftman. That’s just the way it is. I don’t even think I give it a second thought. It’s a habit, second nature. But the point is, does it really make a difference to anyone?

Lets not confuse my good manners for weakness. Lets not think that if I say sorry I am being weak or stupid. I know for a lot of people it might not be an easy word to say. It might be considered a weak word. A word, which signifies defeat. To me it’s a word that restores peace.

The point being does it really restore peace?? Isn’t it a meaningless word because by saying nor do you feel better and nor does the person you have hurt feel any different. If you boss sacks you and then says sorry, what’s the point, right?!!

Once an action takes place it leads to a reaction, that reaction could lead for you to feel certain emotions. Those emotions will form thoughts and those thoughts will prompt words out of you mouth. Once those words are out then there is no stopping of the reaction to them. How much saying I didn't mean what I said, I am sorry, doesn't help. You said what you felt at that point. No one should feel sorry for expressing what they feel, but we do. Once the words are out they are and meant to be said. No amount of Sorry can turn the clock around…Sorry is then just a VERY SORRY WORD.

Are words like Sorry redundant when you are really hurt or when you hurt someone, A Seed for Thought for you my friends.

5 years forecast

Yesterday I got asked a very stupid question. It is so stupid that I actually refused to answer it. A chance meeting with a friend had kinda turned into an interview of sorts. He wanted to offer me a job and next thing I know his colleague started an "unofficial interview". As a management student I am pretty aware of what kinds of questions might get asked and a few years back I might has even answered this dumb question with great sincerity. Yesterday, it was a different story.

After asking me a series of very intelligent questions making me believe that she has pretty good "questioning" skills. This lady went ahead and closed the session with a very dumb question. Do people really ask "Where will you be 5 years from now???” I mean I got asked that a decade back when I went looking for my first job. Is it still relevant today in a time when a second goes past faster than a nano second?

Where will I be 5 years from now...hmmm...let’s roll back 5 years from now and ask this question to me. So this question is being asked of me in 2005 and I am looking at 2010 while answering. OK..Here goes. 

1. I will most certainly not be working at VA. C'mon who spends 9 yrs with a company??
2. I might be on a sabbatical from work as I will be a mother of two (at least)
3. Facebook..Twitter, are you joking?! I wouldn't be telling the world what I am doing at any given time. That is invasion of privacy!
4. I have no clue how to keep fish...let alone have 2 pond
5. Blogging? Are you crazy? I have nothing to say and no one has time to read my crap
   
6. Nah! Why bother with driving when you can have a driver
7. Not tell the person who is kinda interviewing me that this is such a stupid question that I am not going to answer it!

I can go on and on...but I am sure you get the point. Why on heavens name do people ask such a stupid question??! Well, I know for sure 5 year back I wouldn’t have asked anyone to bugger off when they asked stupid questions like this. But in 2010 I did. I actually told her its so damn irrelevant that I don't think I will answer it. Will I get the job...well let me look into my crystal ball, 5 years from now : )

Why are management graduates still stuck in fuddy duddy questions of the past about the future? 

A Seed for Thought for the ones who are supposedly making a difference to our economy with forward thinking.

Generals Daughter

Last night I attended a very special party. 9 Para Commandos got the Presidents citation for being the best fauji unit last yr. It was for their bravery during insurgency in Kashmir. Why was it special to me…well, my father commanded the regiment way back during IPKF.

Evenings like yesterday reminding me the importance of my heritage…my heritage of being born into an Armed Forces Family. Most of the officers present there are posted in the most hostile environments. If it weren’t mentioned, you wouldn’t know. These men are joyful and hopeful. I didn’t hear a single person moan about his job or life. Army men are such positive souls.

I am so thankful to have got this upbringing. Not a day when my father gave A and me more than we deserved or needed (needs never end…do they?). We traveled through the country in all kinds of transportation…but they journeys were always fun. With packed food and water campers, we just marched along.

My father is a big role model to the young army men. Last evening there was not one person who didn’t walk up to me and say how much they loved and respected my dad. Not one wife who didn’t ay how much her husband looked up to the General. My father…THE General. He was the Colonel of the Regiment in his last 3 years of his service. He was one of the very few Lt Gen who Para jumped down with his men at the age of 60, during the Para regiment-raising day.

The General has been my only role model. Although his father was an army man as well, my father has taught how to have a flawless career in the civil world. I don’t have a mentor in the corporate world. Yet at the age of 26 I was heading one of the most respected brands in the world. It can only be due to the great advice that my father gave me during very rough days.

If I ever came home cribbing about work or my boss, all he said to me simply was “ If you find all this too tough then why don’t you just get married and raise a family?” Baas that was it, next day I would be back at work telling my self “ I love what I do, then why am I cribbing”. My father taught me the importance of loving what you do.

Last night I was so proud to be The Generals Daughter…Not just any General…My father …my hero!

I salute you dad for if I am even half of what you have been in your career, I would consider my career a HUGE success. If I have inspired even quarter of the people that you have inspired in your life time then I am happy to be me.

I also salute you General for teaching me the importance of work. For every scream and every kick you sent my way, for today I am able to restart my life from scratch with great dignity. I could only do that for I have my work to support me financially and emotionally.

I salute you dear father for supporting a BRAT like me, even when the world thought otherwise.

Any man can be a Father. It takes someone special to be a Dad. A Seed for Thought?!

My Hero- Debbie Hinton Young

As I ponder the love that I saw in his eyes,

A Godly love, given without compromise....

I recall many times that he stood by my side,

And prodded me on with great vigor and pride.

His voice ever confident, firm and yet fair,

Always speaking with patience, tenderness and care.

The power and might of his hands was so sure,

I knew there was nothing we couldn't endure.

It's true, a few others provided insight,

Yet, he laid the foundation that kept me upright.

He's the grandest of men to have lived on this earth,

Although he's not royal by stature or birth.

He's a man of great dignity, honor and strength.

His merits are noble, and of admirable length.

He's far greater than all other men that I know,

He's my Dad, he's my Mentor, my Friend and Hero!

Pampered Silly

Have you ever been pampered silly??!! Like so pampered that you are scared that your happiness might just get jinxed. 2009 ended with such amazing pampering that I at one point was scared that it’s too good. Its gonna get jinxed and I am going to land up with egg on my face.

Wow, such pessimism that I was a bit upset with myself. What happens to us when we grow up? When we are born, we land in lap of luxurious pampering. Every cry for food is met by immediate attention of our mother. Every movement monitored with love and concern of our parents. We are showered with gifts by one and all. Gifts that we have no memories of. The first couple of years we are pampered silly by one and all…coochie cooed, hugged and snuggled endlessly. Pampering is all we know.

The irony of it all, from being the first born grandchild and the most pampered daughter, today I am actually feeling scared that I am being pampered. Makes me smile at wonderment called life. All I know is that I have not been treated so tenderly and affectionately in the longest time.

I went on a life altering road trip to the hills. This time is was a new destination, McLeod Ganj, a suburb of Dhramshala nestled in the Kangra district of Himachal Pradesh. I have travelled far and wide in India and it was a surprise to a lot of people that I had never seen Dharamshala. I guess all in good time.

From checking out graves at 'St John in the wilderness' to eating orgasm-inspiring Momos, it was unpredictable and spontaneous. We smoked up, drank wine, walked about in the night in pitch-dark hills. Did a daylong trek that was as breath taking as it left me breathless! Ha…this is what holidays are meant to be.


Closed temples were opened in middle of the night; even gods were smiling at the naughtiness of pestering the priest to open the temple way past Gods bedtime! Medicines were miraculously produced in pitch-dark roads. M actually had the gum shun of handing over the wheel of the car to me at 2 am in the foothills of the grand Himalayas. Errr…me…I just started to drive 3 months back. Then next thing you know I am driving through a pitch-dark jungle speeding at the curves and giving my Co passengers a fright of their lives! The only other witness to this madness was the full Moon.. Ahhh…. The moon has been a silent witness for the past year. The moon that had prodded me to endure the darkness, stood witness to my immense joy that week.

My heart had been thirsting a waterfall for a long time. We spoke about it often, and there I was standing next to one with such happy joyful people. In the winter it was far from inviting yet two mad boys jumped in…brrr…this has got to be insanity. Cut to me in a village in Punjab chewing on sweet barley and pulling out turnips from the fields with 2 tiny tot kids. They knew so much more than I could ever imagine about pulling out vegetables from the ground. Sitting on a charpoy with a grand old man drinking very milky and very sweet tea…my soul was growing every second.

The best part of my holiday was the way chapter was closed for 2009. I sat in deep meditation with that one person who knows be better than I sometimes give credit for. That one person who has pampered my soul. For the first time in my life, I brought in a New Year in total silence, peace and gratitude.

Can you think of a better way to ring in 2010..I can’t??

On growing up, why do we feel guilty when we get pampered, while as a child it was our birth right, A Seed for Thought?

Heart n Soul

I know I have been far away from the written word for a long while now. So much has happened in 2009, its un-freaking believable! I needed to get away.


So I did just that…went into hibernation from the world I knew and grew me a new Heart and Soul. A large, soft, adrenalin pumping Heart. A Soul that can cover the universe and more. Winter of my life is over. Unlike animals that hibernate who feed on their body, I fed on my heart n soul for a long while….NOW I am out for a FEAST OF LIFE. Boy, am I hungry for that juicy yummy bite of life and that soul quenching tall glass of lemonade!


Thank you Sweet Lord for throwing me the Sour Lemons. You kept throwing them and I kept collecting till we both were exhausted. My soul was numb and I could feel nothing. Then I crawled into a corner and made such awesome Lemonade. This Lemonade had my broken heart and lifeless soul. And with the first sip of that ghastly lemonade I felt the first stirring a new heart…yes I could feel faint heartbeats. How is that possible? I thought my heart was broken and gone…no wait, I can hear it getting stronger…and by the next glass I could feel the LOUD thuds resonating through my Soul. Wait…did I say soul…the same torn, rotten soul that could feel no more. What are you saying??? With the third glass my soul was growing…it grew and grew. Suddenly I could hear the LOUD thuds of my heartbeat and feel the GLOW of my soul. One fine day I came alive again.


Small Miracle is Back!! Wish you all an amazing 2010!!


Love what you have and live in the moment, a lesson I so painfully learnt through the raw winter of my life. We don’t know what our future holds but we KNOW what we can do with our NOW.

A Seed for Thought for the ones like me who only knew to live in the past.