Friday, June 26, 2009

Man in the Mirror

Roo woke me up early morning today. She called to tell me that Michael Jackson is no more. I was absolutely shocked. Especially as just 2 days back I had uploaded one his songs that I just love on FB. My blackberry was full of messages of friends who thought it was so weird that I had uploaded MJ out of nowhere and now he is dead.

MJ can never die…with his death he will be one of the Icons that will live till music dies. You and I both know that music will never die. It will evolve, change faces, the beat will be different but still there will be a beat to which millions around the world will dance to. Luckily for Michael music will never die.

He was a mad genius. Changed the face of Music Videos with “Thriller”, changed the face of fashion with is short tapered trousers and while socks, changed the way people perceived plastic surgery 20 yrs back and Dancing,today we talk about pre moonwalking dancin and postmoon walk dancing styles. He pushed the envelope with his crazy mad genius.

Many focussed on his bizarreness where as to me he always stood for this lonely person who just couldn’t handle his life. He wanted to badly love and be loved. Just like all of us.

The line between celebrity and mortals gets blurred when the “humanness” comes to fore. End of the day the genius died a broken man. It seems he struggled with the same insecurities the plague you and I…zits ( I have often talked about mine!), fat nose, possibly his skin colour, loneliness, friendless, loveless, not having a normal relationship with his family and parents.

Isn’t it amazing how end of the day we all become equal when our emotions come to play. Same feelings of love, joy, euphoria, pain, sorrow, unhappiness…Are our emotions natures way of making us equal in the court of life??

A seed for thought for the man in the Mirror.

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Today I write this post a bit irritated. Last night I was out with 2 very dear friends and broke the news about nik and me. Needless to say there was surprise but then one them started mumbling how he had know about certain “women” that niks been with. Since I have split with nik this is the first time I experienced anger with a friend. Till now they have played a really supportive role for me and helped me transit through a very tough period in my life.

At times I don’t get friends…if you know something that is not right then please tell me. Honestly if I had heard or felt that his wife was cheating on him, I would have told this particular friend of mine. No two ways about it. That’s my commitment to him and it calls that I look out for him.

One one hand rationale told me that maybe he didn’t want to disturb the so called peace that he felt I had in my marriage, on the other hand I was burning with anger for him to have seen and hear things and not walking up to me and tell me about it.

Who is right or wrong…it’s a sensitive time in my life. I can’t seem to comprehend the right from wrong. It’s so important at this point not to have any expectation from friends as that is the very cause of anger. I expect them to be fearless like me. I expect them to be impulsive like me, I expect them to watch out for me like I would do for them, I expect them to not see me walk into a dark ally unknowingly, when they very well could have helped avert all this.

Hmmm…then on the other hand I feel, maybe this is how it was meant to be. People hesitate to comment about a married couple. Friends don’t want to be the “bad” one telling you things that you might not wanna hear. I dunno…all I can say is that I am very disappointed. Very very disappointed. Is it right to feel this way? Should I just not feel anything for friends, nik, family, work…just cloak my emotions and rally on.

Just that conversation brought back so many bad memories of the past. Things that I want to forget. I don’t want to remember all those women…the betrayals…the trauma…tears..heartache.

I want to be able to wake up positive about my self. I want to be able to start liking my self again. I wonder what made me take all that nonsense for so many years. Why did I turn into such a coward?! Why did I not stand up for what was right a few years back??

Every one craves to be loved… yet I can’t for the life of me figure out if love is strength or is it a weakness?? A seed for though for the lovers who got weak with love.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Fighter

S.E. Kiser

I fight a battle every day
Against discouragement and fear;
Some foe stands always in my way,
The path ahead is never clear!
I must forever be on guard
Against the doubts that skulk along;
I get ahead by fighting hard,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong.

I hear the croakings of Despair,
The dark predictions of the weak;
I find myself pursued by Care,
No matter what the end I seek;
My victories are small and few,
It matters not how hard I strive;
Each day the fight begins anew,
But fighting keeps my hopes alive.

My dreams are spoiled by circumstance,
My plans are wrecked by Fate or Luck;
Some hour, perhaps, will bring my chance,
But that great hour has never struck;
My progress has been slow and hard,
I've had to climb and crawl and swim,
Fighting for every stubborn yard,
But I have kept in fighting trim.

I have to fight my doubts away,
And be on guard against my fears;
The feeble croaking of Dismay
Has been familiar through the years;
My dearest plans keep going wrong,
Events combine to thwart my will,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong,
And I am undefeated still!

One of my favourite poets and poem...Now, I feel even closer to this poem. I am the chosen one by destiny...

Sunday, June 21, 2009


I have been real busy now days doing up my place. Its certainly got MY stamp on it. Although its juss the initials stages, i am in the process of putting my home together. Bedroom is bright pink and orange. Living room is yellow. Drawing room is turquoise blue and lemon green...and study is staid brown, guest room I am still to do. Its a riot of colors. True reflection of my colorful life.

I need to be able to walk into my home and get a feeling of being surrounded by various colors of light...VIBGYOR if you please. I want to live in light!! Just walking into my new home makes me feel better about my situation. For that matter my fish (guppies)are also really colorful. I have a bunch of them with pink, orange, yellow tails...i can sit for hours just looking at them move around. They are so bright and lovely.

Slowly things are settling in. Got my internet and TV connection. Two most important things to live in today's time. Opened all my books up and realized there are so many that are unread... I don't know why I never got down to reading them??? I have a bunch of movies on my laptop. Hmmm..I seem to have taken care of immediate loneliness. Can't afford to feel that for a prolonged period of time. I fear it becoming a habit...a habit that one finds difficult to kick.

I write this post while listenin to "Its all right" by Seal on 95 FM...Its my current favourite song and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it..hmmmm...yes my dears it is truly gonna be alright. Nik and I are coming to grips with the tornado that hit us... It created destruction for sure, but also left a eerie silence after all the turmoil. I am loving my silence. No more fighting, arguing, hurting, painful discussion...maybe there is still "why me..." but that too shall pass, hopefully. Its very very tough but I can only pray for a better tomorrow for both of us.

Last evening I had my first bunch of friends over. A nice tarot reading and some crazy conversations...then someone who really comforts me, came over...Perfect! Like I had mentioned in one of my earlier post...I am alone but not lonely!

Its Happening...its all happening for the better!

Does happiness find us or do we go looking and create our own happiness??
Seed for thought for the not so wise as me.

Monday, June 15, 2009


One fine day you woke up and had me in your life. From being a no body I am a somebody that you know. I didn’t exist for you for all these years…I am now a person you want to hear from more and more.

What happens is that destiny waits and bides its time, till the perfect moment strikes and then two lives collide. The collision course is preset and a small thunder strikes. Unknowingly out of nowhere 2 lives collide.

It could be 2 friends who met at Miranda or colleagues who became best friends, it could be 2 strangers on the net, who connect or it could be 2 people who meet randomly on a golf course. How and where it strikes no one ever knows. Strike it does and that how our life goes.

Some wonderful people have collided and intersected my life’s road. Your life and mine got entangled and the web just grew so strong. Some times I resisted and some times I gave in easy... but a web it is of friendship.It turned that my fortunes got doubled as you and I collided.

Last 6 months have been traumatic but some amazing friendships came in fore. I specially want to mention Agent Green Glass and Sepulcher more so. 2 wonderful people I met in this massive blog world. Unknowingly our lives collided and now we want more.

This page is incomplete without mention of Mad M. Out of nowhere you came and ripped away most of my fears. You stood behind me and all I felt was your white force. Although you are mostly so far away, I have felt you presence through the darkest of my phase. I sat lonely on a rock far away from the world I knew, trying to make sense of it all, suddenly I feel you sitting besides me cracking some mad silly jokes. Our lives must have just collided but you behaved like you were ALWAYS there. You dared to call me impostor to my face; my smiling mask was ripped off to reveal all those tears. I can’t thank you enough mister and for a change I am short of words…I have known goodness just when I was totally engulfed in fear.

Bang.. Bang.. Bang some lives collide and form friendships out of nowhere. Then there are those rhythms that get broken and one can't comprehend. One fine night you look up and the moon has walked off to a new home!!! Ah…these collision courses change our life for sure.

Seed for thought for those on the collision course??

Friday, June 12, 2009

Live and Write

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

- Henry David Thoreau

Well, having taken this seriously, I think today life has taught me enough for me to write. I have lived. Lived a life that has been blessed and very privileged. Today I woke up wanting to Thank my countless blessings as I was beginning to feel a bit thankless. That just didn’t feel right for after all, I AM Small Miracle. A bi product of many small miracles, which have come together, to make me who I am today.

I focussed so long on my failures that I forgot to realise the achievements. There have been plenty. I have lived a very sheltered life for most of my growing years. I had a value system a bit outdated for my generation, I admit. But, that kept me simple, grounded and in awe of life.

I grew up full of life. I talked nine to a dozen (and still do!), about this that and everything…with animated hand movements. Its like those very hand movements would make the story go any faster than it already did. In my head the story is going much faster than what I am narrating it…I talk a lot!!

Every one I know from childhood calls me mad. I admit, I am mad. Mad for wanting to live a full life. I don’t know how and when I will be back on earth. I don’t know what my next life circumstances will be…so should I not enjoy the best of life now, with such blessed circumstances??

I love travelling. It feeds my soul. My soul found my dad and knew that this would be the best-travelled household. From the day I was born its been non stop movement in my life…and I have loved every second of it. Thanks to dad I also travelled to America for the first time…how it opened up my world and mind.

I work for one of the world’s most reputed airline. I was the youngest manager at age 26 when i got hired. I hardly make any money but the reason I have stuck on, is its fuel to my fire for travel. I have been to countless countries on work and pleasure…and I feel the romance has just begun. Still so many places to go…so much to do…learn…imbibe…honour.

At times my life has touched the dark side…flitting here and there. Nothing that alarmed me. The only time I experienced a prolonged dance with darkness was in my personal relationship. Today I have left that behind. I walk on towards the light, things bright and beautiful. I know darkness and I will tango now and then. But that doesn’t scare me anymore.

I have an amazing life to be thankful for. So much has happened and so much I welcome to come teach me. I have welcomed strangers who have become dear friends. I have stood and stared at nature. I have loved my work and my people who work with me. I have many many friends who stand strong with me, besides me and behind me.

I have never cheated. Money is such an easy corrupter but I never volunteered to be its slave. I respect wealth but not lust it. It comes, good enough…it doesn’t well just too bad!

I have parents who tell me I have done them proud. My father says I have handled the separation in my marriage in quiet dignity that shocks him. Where did this strength come from, well, i think it was there within. I know its time to bow my head and be thankful, for I am one of the many small miracles!

I write this not in arrogance but in humility for I can truly say I have stood up and lived.

A seed for thought?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


On 30th may 2009 I moved out of my home, that I shared with Nik. We had lived there for 5.5 yrs together. A lot of things happened in that house. Some good and some not so good. But all in all I pretty much lived my married life in that house. It had to end…so it did. Enough of ifs, buts, how, when and why. Too much has been said and analysed. In the end 2 hearts have been broken. 2 lives separated. A living unit divided into 2.

That’s NOT how it’s meant to be ideally…but I didn’t live in an ideal world. My world was full of confusion. The line between right and wrong was very blurry. There were others who lived between us…without me knowing. So things were far from ideal.

I married a lovely man. A best friend that I totally love and adore. He wasn’t ready for marriage, for my strong emotions, my boundaries, for loyalty. We had a very important ingredient missing…compatibility. I wish for him to find a better life and an amazing life partner. He does deserve the best, so what if the best was not I. That makes me no less well…just not best enough for this union.

I moved into my own house. It’s really nice. Its empty. I love the fact that it is empty. I now get to colour the canvas in myriad hues. Don’t get me wrong. I loved every moment of doing up my home with Nik. Everything was shared and bought after discussion. Now I need to be in love with me…just as much as I was in love with Nik and the fact that I was married to him. I need to be in love with the fact that I am me again.

I will not waste time in regret and bitterness. I have no regret because I had his love for a long time. I am not bitter towards him as I know now that he doesn’t know better. I will always feel great love for him. I might not be in love but I will love.

Nik, thank you for giving me those very wonderful years. I enjoyed most of our time together. I have learnt so much from you as I am sure you have too. I send only prayers and blessings your way. I am round the corner from you and you know that. Just fill your life with love and happiness. Open your arms WIDE and let the world reside in there…I have always done that. Today I have so many people standing besides me and behind me. My arms are wide open for more.

I also want to thank Devjani with a million hugs for being my soul sister. Without her I would be very broken today. A big shout out to Chirag, Varun, Charubala and China for helping me pack and shift. A special thanks to the boys of NSG for their support. I also want to thank some very dear friends who were far away but were there with me every second that day and have supported me through it all.

Most of you attended my wedding and I know it is equally tough to see me leave my home. I don’t know what to say. Lets just say that this fauji kid is going on to her next posting. As always the future is unknown but that is what makes life so exciting...i know this posting will be as good as all others have been in my life.

Nik I will miss you but NOT MOURN you… FRIENDS FOREVER!!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009



George Gordon (Lord) Byron

WHEN we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:
Lond, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met--
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?

With silence and tears.