Friday, July 31, 2009
I am confused
I am scared
I don't know what to do
I am Happy
I am Cool
I am Sensitive too
Its getting Hot
Now I am breathless for sure
I am stuck in a the elevator
There is no way to go
My heart is pumping hard
I can't hear
you at all
My eyes are misting over
I can smell fear
I am Scared
I am Confused
Hold my hand
Don't leave me
The door will open up
I have been
in this place for too long
I will walk out of that door
This elevator I am confined in
I will get out of alive
I am confused
I am scared
Please help me
Open up this door
I want to hold you
I need to get out
of here RIGHT NOW
Breathe with me
not just once
but several times more
I see light
I am reaching out
Darlin juss hold me
'coz I am scared
a lot for me
to admit it
You have GOT to know....
Fear is the mind-killer...I know that but for some reason I can't stop, feelin fear. Seed for thought?!!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Last evening I was invited for the launch of the world famous Jimmy Choo store. It was a Glam Champagne and Mini Bites evening. Every one was dressed in their best, perfect make up, hair, shoes …well you get the point!
Although I was suffering severe stomach cramps, I decided I must attend this opening. Then lo behold it rained so hard that it was quiet obvious that the roads to the launch venue would be jammed as hell. That got me thinking and contemplating …should I …shouldn't’t I??! The old Small Miracle would have at this point gotten lazy and said, forget it…let me watch some TV or read a magazine. The old Small Miracle would have really wanted to go but some how found a good reason not to.. But the new improved Small Miracle with a zest of lime, said LETS GO!! Screw the cramps and the crowded roads. So I glammed up as best as I could. Wore my black Jodhpurs trouser and purple jacket (unconventional for this type of cocktail dress kinda evening), along with my new sexy pair of 4” heels and headed off to the party.
I am so glad that I did. Over this one evening I realised that past few years I have lived in a very strange place. Its like the Lord of the Rings “middle earth”…I was living in some “Middle World” of my own. I feel like “Frodo” who had to carry the heavy weight of THE Ring… Just like Frodo I went through a great amount of ordeal to protect my “Shire”.But, in the end Frodo’s spirit is so broken that he sails off with Gandalf to undying lands to find peace. He left the Shire for good. My friends and family have been my “fellowship of the ring” helping me and protecting me though my arduous journey.
Last evening I realised that I have been living a very strange life. Here I was at the launch of a super brand in the country, mingling with my friends who are super achievers. I was invited for who I am and NOT for whom I was married to. I represent one of the most respected brands in the world (Sadly,I am not some platinum dyed floozy brain dead good looking chick, that would have been fun too!!). It took a social butterfly evening for me to realise that I am not a nobody. I have worked pretty damn hard to get here in life and YES I have made a name for myself. Then why did I spend all these months and years living in self doubt?! Frodo might have been tired by end of the journey but he was a Hero never the less…he left the shire , yes…but he went to the Undying lands and nothing less. I hope I never forget that EVER AGAIN.
Well, the highlight of the evening was Harper's Bazaar taking a picture of my super sexy uber cool heels. They loved them as much as I do. So what if they were not Jimmy Choos my darlings.
" Self esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.” A Seed for Thought?!!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I was in Assam last week for a much-required holiday. I can’t stop thinking about Assam. What a beautiful part of our glorious country. I feel very privileged to have been born here and in these times. I have travelled far and wide and STILL there is so much of India I haven’t seen…I feel annoyed at times…why can’t I see all of India at once??!
Assam was truly gorgeous. It’s enveloped in a green blanket, that too in a summer that had hardly any rains. There are beautiful houses on the side of the roads. It seems people only build houses right on the highway. There are tall supari trees and small leafy plants, I can go on and on....all in all Assam is GORGEOUS!
In this visit I saw 2 things that took me back to my childhood. One was the famous touch me nots plant ( chui mui) and the other was the firefly! I used to walk far and wide in the IMA Academy as a child…either running after the beautiful firefly or walk the fields playing with the touch me nots growing wild. Both of them are wonder of nature and till this age they don’t cease to amaze me.
Now I am a look out for a touch me not plant in Delhi. I need to get my hands on one and bring it home. I can imagine me running to my front terrace whenever I am bored to play with the touch me not…Wow. This one plant makes you realise more than ever, that even plants have a life!! I want this delightful plant and I want it NOW!!
Firefly, what can I say…its such a mesmerising insect. Here is this tiny tiny insect that flies about and has a sac of bight light in its tail. Sitting out side D’s lovely home I saw hundreds of fireflies. It looked like stars had descended on earth…twinkling in all their glory.
I could have just sat there evening after evening…looking at the elusive yet beautiful firefly. You want to own a firefly yet you know the minute you capture the firefly it looses its bright light…it needs its freedom to fly about and shine. You can only be under its spell when it is free.
Kinda made me think about human relationships. The person that really attracts you and hold you attention is like a firefly. The minute you own it, you kinda kill the spirit in that other person with your demands, needs, wants, insecurities, desires, ownership. I believe that one person can be your firefly one if you let that person be free spirited. I see so many relationships come together for the right reason but don’t end up healthy and nice.
For me my men have always had the freedom to do what they did best…always. Even if it backfired on me, at least I have not killed any ones spirit in my lifetime. I want to enjoy my firefly while he flies about free. I get spell bound with his bright light and for that he has to be FREE.
A Seed for Thought for those who want to capture their firefly?!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I am beginning to believe that storybooks are not the best foundations for kids. I grew up to all Prince rescuing Princess situations stories. I don’t know why the Princess could not be bold, bright and self-reliant? Maybe because the stories are 100 yrs old…that generation needed rescuing. Maybe its because if we romance the “Romance” we live in hope that the intense feelings that we feel with the blush of love, will live on forever. Love is nothing but hope, I guess.
Some where over the years I think I tried to fill a gap in my life with giving out too much of me in my friendships and relationships. I never really asked for much in return, just a lot of patience and understanding. I gave away everything I had in return for that patience and understanding. I gave away a piece of my heart every time I got that from anyone.
Today very few pieces are left. People have taken each bit they got and walked away. The optimist in me mourned for a while and then learnt to rally on. I haven’t really mourned any relationship once it is over. It’s the getting over part that I find the most painful and tiresome bit. Once it is done with, I just move on. Always have and always will. That’s my DNA make up…can’t help it. I believe in the fact that our heart re-grows…mine is in the process of growing back into shape.
My father made a very keen observation of me the other day. He told me that I have a hole in my heart that I have tried to fill all my life. He said “Small Miracle, just accept the fact that there is a hole and STOP trying to fill it with lovers, friends, clothes, makeup, shoes, bags…nothing is going to cure this disease. It’s a hole that you have to live with in this life time”. I just stood stunned listing to him on the other end of the phone. Hmmmm…. As always, Daddy is right. But, what about walking into the sunset with that certain someone…what about my fairy tale happy ending?? I want a piece of that sunset too.
That got me to think why do only a couple walk into the sunset?! Sunset means the sun has come down…it’s the end of the day. Since the sun has come up one has toiled alone in the day. Our better half, spouse, lover, partner et al doesn’t do our work neither live the day for us…We get up, dress for the day, seize it with our hands, take the best out of the day, own it and retire for the day.. That’s when the sun sets…after all the work has been done!
So my dear, I Small Miracle will most happily and stylishly walk in to the sunset on my high heels…with my own company to give me pride and honour. I don’t desperately crave the company of another person anymore. Now, please don’t think this is a bitter rambling of a divorcee in making. No my dears this is a deep realisation of a fact that I came alone and will die alone. My soul doesn’t have a partner in its journeys over various life times. It might decide to spend time with various souls, yes…but the soul gets born and decides to move to the next lifetime on its own… ALONE!
Relationships need to enrich us and our souls, if not then the walk alone can do us good to clear our head and I hear walking is certainly good for the heart ; )
Do we live our life so much expecting and hoping for a happy ending that we forget to look what journey we take??? A seed for thought for all those who want to follow the elusive firefly.