Thursday, July 29, 2010

Me Lord

This is an email I sent to my MD and CEO today morning. I desperately need help and am clearly frustrated. This was a trigger after my very able colleague in UK suggested I might want to collect press pieces from publication on a bike as NYC colleagues do that!! I have been having very frustrating times trying to retrieve pieces from "A" particular magazine.

NYC...did you really just compare us to NYC. Errr...really...have you any idea what cycling in 40 degrees Celsius can do to a human being, esp the lah di dah ones like me!! I have no idea if I still have a job after this email is read.

The email:

Morning Me Lords,

In Bollywood Movies once the hero/heroine(aka aunty small miracle) is bereft of all that they have ever had…they goes to only one place that they know they will get answers from. THE TEMPLE OF GOD!!! So, today I find my self on the door steps of the my 2 Lord and masters…I am now ringing the bells in great earnest for my wish to be heard. I will ensure that every Courier Company personally knows me by name in all the 4 metros of our country…and I cycle to every nook and corner to pick up sample pieces if need be…But for that I need some assistance. I would be most grateful if we could PLEASE look at hiring an executive for Marketing.

If there was not so much pressure, I can assure you, I would not be at your doorstep ringing the bells of despair!

Next time I get such request of spending hours trying to get a garment back, I can then with joy look at my colleagues in UK and say “ Tumahare paas Christopher or Angela hai par mere paas EXECUTIVE hai!”

Can we please discuss having an executive in marketing?


Small Miracle

Sunday, July 25, 2010


Some times the best way to have a good look at your self is through some one else eyes...and hope in hell that you like what you see.

There are often times we are a projection of what we are expected to be. In the projection we start to believe who we want to be and maybe not who we really are. The moment of truth is when you hear what people who matter think of you. Sometimes its like they are talking about a different person...this is not me, how often have we said that to our selves??

D always told me from childhood that I was very difficult to deal with when I sulk. I want to wallow in my own cocoon of emotions. The more she tried to make me feel better the worse I felt. I just can't snap out of it. Do people snap out of funk just like that?? Is that true and if it is then why am I not able to do that??

That is just how I am. Once I snap out of it I am fine and normal, as expected by society. I just always feel like I am not given my time with the dark side...why can't I just be dark for a while?? More than you its me who doesn't like to go to the dark side. I know that when I do I will be told what a sulky poo I can be. I don't scream and shout, abuse, throw crockery, get into mad rage fits. I wish I did that, but I don't. All I do is retreat into my being till I am OK to face the world.

Mostly I like what I see of my self through some one else eyes and then there are times I just don't like it at all. Is it important to be nice and bubbly all the time? A Seed for Thought for the ones like me who are constantly searching the ways of being a better person and finding the path bumpy.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Cheated Emotions

Sometimes its important that we pretend its all right. I know its sounds so wrong. Aren't we supposed to be who we are? This statement goes against the modern belief of being in the moment and expressing what we feel. I would even say something like a lie??

This is what I do. I pretend on bad days that I will be fine. I pretend that the loneliness is not unbearable and soon I am less lonely. As I am not thinking of it constantly, its not a thought in my mind. The more I pretend to be OK...the better I get.

I realise it now that the more I give into my FEELING...more lost I get. Suddenly I find my self in a maze of emotions and can't seem to find my way out at all. Before you know it I am engulfed in my FEELINGS so damn much that I forget every one else's feelings. Its like you are sucked deep inside your head and heart...the more you think about the more you slip deeper and deeper in filth of slimy emotions...all negative thoughts start caving into me. Soon I can't breathe, the only escape is tears...streams of tears that I can't stop.

Then my logical mind is battling with my absolutely illogical emotions. The battles rages on and on...and like like any battle field once its over...all you see are debris of OTHER peoples emotions along with mine. Clearly in the battle other people's emotions have got slayed. The more people try to help the worse they get hurt...

So I say pretend. At least that ways you are only cleaning up the mess of your emotions and not other peoples who matter to you.

As a wise person once said "Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.”

When your emotions mess with you, one should mess back by pretending its not happening. Take the power away from the damn emotions, confuse them, trick them. A Seed for a Thought for the ones who get led by the damn emotions like me.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


How will I be when I grow old?

Will I stoop when I will walk
Will my eyes still twinkle

Will I be jaded 
Will I still believe

Will I be happy 
Will I just fade

Will I enjoy all things new 
Will I just retreat

How will I be when I grow Old?

Will I be bitter for things that could not be
Will be thankful for the life I have lived

Will I be joyful
Will I be regretful

Will I make tea and enjoy it peacefully
Will I think I have no company

Will I be content with the way things turned out for me
Will I think God, you did not do this for me?

Will I have friends who will share a smile frequently
Will I think now no one has time left for me

Will I be inspiring in Old age
Will I think its just not worth my time

Will I live happily in my cottage by the sea
Will be stuck in the ocean in the city

Will I be thankful that I have lived a full life
Will I think life passed me by quickly

Will I meet death and say how quickly you came by
Will I wait for it to come and get me

How will I be when I grow Old?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you. Eliot 

In the past few days I have been bombarded with questions, loads of personal questions that I may never have any answers to. I am going to reflect on 2 of them.

While in Pune I bumped into a ex batch mate. We go back 15 years or more. She was dating a very dear friend of mine who she later went on to marry. They have had a very messy divorce after nearly a decade of marriage. She had heard about me through grapevine and was very curious as expected. Needless to say I thoroughly disappointed her with no drama or bitter rantings. Next day she sent me a long mail on Facebook with all the things my friend had done to her. At first I thought I will ignore it but realized it was just a way for a woman who is angry with destiny, just as I was not very long back. She needed to vent. So I let her. What followed was a few days of furious mails filling my in-box. All I could tell her was move on and let him go...from your heart and soul. She asked me again and again as to why I did not fight for an alimony and let him go easy. Hmmm...let him go easy.

I though a lot about that statement. "Let him go easy". Well, I let him in my life easy...I didn't fight him. Rather I invited him into my life with open when the time had come for him to leave my life why would I think that let him not go easy. So I would have fought for an alimony and made him feel miserable for what he had done to our relationship. I would make him feel all important in the beginning of every month that I STILL need the hell I would. We both were batch mates at our MBA class. Am I going to make him believe that I need his money as I can't do better than him. No people...Small Miracle is slogging as we speak. I am so going to leave him way behind in this race that he is of no consequence to me.

I don't know what is right or wrong way to do this..but I do know that I will do it my way. Not the way the society expects me to. I believe there is a GOD and I am not going to do his job. I can't be wasting my time trying to bring nik to justice when I can spend that time rebuilding my life. What he did was wrong...very wrong, and yes he will pay like all of us will for our wrong doings. It just wont be me bringing him to justice, I leave that to my very efficient god. At his own time...

 A few days back I met another friend. A very concerned mature male friend. His question to me was "what if this one is a cheater too". Well, that got me thinking...yes, what if this one is a cheater too. I will never know now, will I? My friend might be right, he says that I didn't know I was being cheated on for years, living under the same roof. How will I ever know now??

No I will never know, I am very dumb like that. I take people for who they make me believe they are. Especially in the matters of the heart. NO I MIGHT NEVER KNOW. But what I do know is that now onwards I will not be spending years of my life putting wrong to right. Been there, done that and Failed miserably! If ain't working, don't try to fix it beyond a point and always remember the directions to the door :)

I live in hope that there are good, decent, honest, loving men out there...I hope to remain a person who is hopeful.

Why is it so difficult to let go of people who hurt us so damn much and yet find it difficult to trust the ones who show us love?? A Seed for thought my dear friends...