Monday, May 18, 2009


Today something shocking happened. A really bright boy who most certainly stood out in the crowd of Ogilvy, committed suicide. This boy was smart, well dressed, and good at his work and certainly got people’s attention when he entered the room. There are many people in Ogilvy and chances are I won’t recognise most of them if I see them on the road outside, but this guy I remember from the first instant I saw him.

I believe he did this as he had a fight with his girlfriend and they had broken up. Imagine a bight confident boy from the outside was so emotionally vulnerable from the inside. I am sure there must have been other issues that would have been building up in his life and probably this was the last straw that did him in.

It also makes me wonder, did he not have people in his life that he could reach out too. Was his pain only his own that he couldn’t share it with anyone…and if he did have pillars of strength in his life, would he have given up his life? So many questions about a person I hardly knew but saw every day. His death has affected my team and me. It’s really sad and shocking to say the least.

Just made me want to thank all the people who have stood by me. I know I have already done that, but yes it’s so important to be made to feel loved and cherished, while going through a crisis. How easily I could too have gone down the path of self-destruction if I did not have conviction in life and people.

The path of happiness will always be an uphill task and the path rolling down to sadness and depression so easy. I am so glad that I have people around me who have shown me the light to happiness when I could not see the way. There were no streetlights and the road was dark and full of potholes…but friendships shone the light of love and affection and I found my way. Yes, I took time. Maybe, a long time. Now I can see the path… Very well lit path.

Siddharth, though I did not know you well. I wish for your soul to find peace. Bless you!!

Our Mind thinks of Death
Our Heart thinks of Life
Our Soul thinks of Immortality.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Stripped and bare

Last evening I striped bare. My body and mind has been layered over the years with thoughts, mindsets, ideas, obligations, triumphs, disasters, pain, numbness, joy, tears…layers and layers of all of this that and more.

Amazingly I stand twice in the day in front of the mirror. Once in the morning while getting dressed to work. I am almost always running late for work hence it’s just a glance to see if all is fine. Then once in the evening right before I hit the bed to rid my face and body of all the muck and stuff of the day. I am so tired by then that one barely even notice how one looks or feels.

This ritual has been going of for 2 decades at least. Not one day have I taken time off to actually see my self? How do I look?!! I don’t think I know how my body or face looks in detail. Since when have I been so preoccupied with my mind and the goings on in the head, the master carrier of my soul got totally sidelined. The body just went unnoticed.

I know of women who spend hours in front of the mirror. Taking care of their face and body. They love who they are and have always admired their looks. While I just cruzed along my life, devoid of the urge to look at my self. Yes I LOVE dressing up …clothes and shoes are my passion. But the amazing thing is that they cover your body…to sit and choose what you will wear doesn’t require a mirror. You just reach into your cupboard and that’s it.

For the first time I stripped down bare and gathered enough courage to look at my self. Not only did I see my self in my skin I also I saw layers of auras around me. My shoulders were slumped over with years worth of nonsense. I was born free in this same skin. I was told I was a really happy go lucky child who smiled a lot. Today my skin-felt heavy…so much of residue…. although the body looked pretty darn perfect…it felt like a loser.

I sat down and cried and cried. So much of tears that even I was shocked!! In the process I lost one of my contact lens and didn’t even realise it. I wept for what I had done to my body and soul. I wept for I had stopped loving me. I wept for I had ignored my self. My body went unnoticed by me for years. I just didn’t care. Why had I done this to me??

The only thing that would calm me was the sharp droplets of water. Just standing under the shower, my tears mingling with the water, I felt slowly the layers of thoughts, mindsets, ideas, obligations, triumphs, disasters, pain, numbness, joy, tears…all washing away. Last night after a long time, I slept peacefully, even though the pillow was not my own.

I am going to turn this around. This will be the rising of Small Miracle. From this dirty pool of water this fish will emerge. Once more I will frolic in the sea of love, compassion, honesty, loyalty, forgiveness, friendship. The white light is I.

This mind will be unloaded for a while for no seeds of thoughts are necessary at this moment.

Friday, May 8, 2009


"Wash Away Those Years"

She came calling
One early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly
To tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
This is how she carried on

Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years

My anger's violent
But still I'm silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence Is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone
Remember you're not alone

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years

For we have crossed many oceans
And we labor in between
In life there are many quotients
And I hope I find the mean
the mean, the mean

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years
I hope that you can wash away those years


For those of you who have been strong enough to go through my dark thoughts of the past few months…a big Thank You. It’s been tough. Very tough. Life changing even. I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past few years…it’s been very tough but then that’s the path I chose, so no regrets at all. Pain yes...Regrets no.

I just wish it were not meant to be like this. I wish I did die in the arms of my soul mate at the end of my lifetime… I wish we had kept those promises that we made at age 20 and reiterated when we got married. I wish we have loved and respected each other far more than we landed up doing. I wish I were not so emotional. I wish I did not feel BOTH Joy and Pain with such intensity. I wish I had not made my world only about him and me…I wish there was a lot of me after 6 pm every day. I wish I had THAT zing in me that would keep my man with me…

Love is such a complicated feeling. Reflecting back all we started with was togetherness. It was just he and I and our world. We didn’t spend a minute apart and that too felt less. Then I left the country and on returning back nothing was ever the same again. I saw the shift then. Over the years I have been told time and again that I only operate with one emotion, that is EGO. Well, I guess my ego did not allow me to accept that things had changed.

I will not sit and sermon on how things should be. I have no clue but I do want to thank you all for being there for me. Today and future is a blur. I know I will make it, now more than ever. Dreams have got shattered. Maybe I will never find another…no children to have as a legacy…a tag to carry for rest of this lifetime. Maybe this was it, the only true love of this lifetime!!?

But, I can’t live a sad, regretful, hateful, painful life coz of the daunting “Maybe” that hang about the corners of my life.

The biggest fear to have battled is of being Lonely. I fear it…coming home to nothing and no one. Past 6 years have been in each other’s company. Gently shaking him up when he has those nightmares every few days. Waking up every single morning to his warm hugs. Waiting for him every evening to come home. Who will reach out to the top shelf? How will I deal with being stuck in a room with a Lizard?! What about that books that he reads and recommends to me. Will I not get to pull him in the nook of my neck every morning and make him rest there for a few minutes before he gets out of bed? Those many many trips together around the world. All my sari blouses have buttons in the back… Who will button those blouses? Will I now never wear a sari?! What about that mangalsutra?? No more Sindoor on the forehead at festivals?? What about the wedding band that I gave him inscribed with "Soulmates Forever"...

What happened to the Fire God who presided over my wedding ceremony? Wasn’t he supposed to purify that moment and our union?! What about those hundred people who sat around us while we were being joined in the holy matrimony, did they not bless us?! Are those blessings not worth any thing?!

He and I were Silent but not alone, over the past few years. We were there around each other…maybe not with each other ...but most certainly around. Then where did this earthquake come from?! How did my Home become the epicentre of this earthquake?

I have no seed for thought as I feel very mindless...numb!