Saturday, October 23, 2010

Turn Turn Turn

“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare

My life has taken a turn...a turn that I don't at times have the intelligence or foresight to comprehend.

I didn't think I would be here...its so so so much better. No more feeling unwanted...unloved. I seem to have got life back into me. I am living again.

Yet there is sadness...years back I had ticked that box of a life partner.  I would never be alone again. I am back at that same point...and this time there is no box to tick. Yes, I know I know a lot of you out there say that there is hope...and who knows tomorrow. Yadi yadi ya. Its not that. Its just that the goal post have changed.

I will never be that beautiful young girl again... you have no idea how gorgeous I looked at my wedding. Looking back I can say that I have never looked that beautiful as I did that day. No, been there and done that. Its time to now look at life in another way. Achieve other life goals.

I found my ex cheating on me for the 100th time in Goa and that is where it was over for good. While I caught him in the act, right next to us were sitting this couple, Childhood friend of my ex. His wife was having trouble conceiving and I could totally understand how she felt as I was going through the same. Well, anyways I bumped into her yesterday with her 6 month old son. How time has she is with a baby that all but  a conversation a few years back and me, well, I have made peace with the fact (with much mental turmoil I admit) that I will never have that chance in my life.

So much one goes through...and yet there is so much life still left to live. All I know that during the festival time I feel a bit sad. I hope one day I will be over it, stop feeling sorry for my self. I hope one day when Karva chauth is round the corner I am strong enough to stay and face it and not run away.

I hope one day I understand how beautifully life tuned for me.

A Seed for thought for those who like me can't understand why they are sad when there is so much to be thankful for.


This is that said...

One day you will, or you may not, or it may just stop being so important. It is hard work, you are still in the same city, barely miles from him, and you still keep bumping into people you knew. Yet your whole life is so different. All I know is, your house is radiant, you have never seemed better equipped for life as you do now. Having said that, I feel your pain sistah. I feel it. Yes you did look gorgeous in that red ensemble , and yes you did that and all that , and more. Yes you have lived a life. And you will live more of it :) I see you :)

Nisha Sara-Rain said...

Dearest, dearest Small Miracle, you really are such a HUGE miracle. The pain and heartbreak comes with sadness so deep, that no words do it justice. Having said that, the strength you had to take life in your own hands is more than commendable. You've been blessed to love like you did. I believe very strongly, that pain has a way of purifying one's soul. Some of life's greatest lessons lie in each tear one cries. As I end, this is my greatest wish for you - "May the love hidden deep inside your heart, find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow, wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays." ~ Anonymous - Cry if you must, but always know this, this same pain is purifying your soul and slowly, ever so slowly, making it whole. I will say a special prayer for you during Diwali puja this year. God bless you always.

Small Miracle said...

R, i see you too. Always have and always will. Thanks for having my back...i miss us together at MHH on days like these. i know one day it will cease to be so many things have...slowly but surely..

Small Miracle said...

thanks Nisha for your prayers. This too shall pass i must.

Small Miracle said...

Great news..I was a so busy workin that I did not even realise how karva chauth passed by was smooth n amazing!!

krunal said...

somebody said, " you must love being single. your life has to be so compelling that a friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a partner is just a fine addition to your life and not the lonely pitiful reason for your existence. "

you are very strong. keep up.