Fear cannot take what you do not give it. Hmm.. true that!
Fear overcomes fear. I have lived a life full of fear for a while. I grew up a very fearless girl...rather I could do anything that a boy could do, only better. As a kid I learnt to cycle on my own...no one taught me, held my cycle, saved me from falling etc. I knew no fear! Then why did a failing relationship bind me down so bad that all I could feel was fear. I often think about it now...as I conquer all these new found fears, one by one.
For a kid who could spend a long time in the cupboard hiding to win a game of hide and seek, today I can barely get into an elevator alone. Strange as for years I worked on the 8th floor of a building and never gave it a thought. Just as my life was falling apart one day I got stuck in the elevator for not more than a minute, the longest minute of my life I may add. The next thing you know I started getting panic attacks on stepping into a elevator alone or even a flight or any closed space. It became so bad that I actually ran out of a movie halls when the lights went off. No one including my parents could get this strange phenomenon taking over my life....FEAR!!!
The other fear I developed was of driving. I drove a kinetic for a few years and never gave driving a second thought. Cut to a few years later I just could not get my self to drive a car. So as a 20 something I had a driver to ferry me around. I just could not understand why I would freeze every time I got behind the wheel. Another unfounded fear...another thing that was binding me down.
So the first thing I did after moving out was to sort the damn fears. Though I have to admit, I did a HUGE support of friends and family. So one fine day I sacked my driver and got behind the wheel. No driving classes...nothing! Just plain ol good sense and drove to work. Needless to say I could barely stand once I reached work, my legs were shaking!!! But I did it...I kicking my fucking fear hard.
Today I am driving all over and my aim is to drive to the hills. Fear is a coward my friends. I think sometimes the fear of loss opens us up to attract more fear. Its like mind goes weak as one fear is spreading like cancer and the next thing you know all other cancerous fears start taking over. Reclaim you life... reclaim those fearless years. I know for me it helped me face my fears. I looked deep into fears eyes till it looked away. I starved it. I refused to feed my fear with more fear. One by one its dying. I am enjoying every bit of killing it. I know I am still work in progress...and get there I will.
The best gift I gave my self was to fight back fear. I took it by surprise, just when it got all cozy and warm in my being. I am so glad I am driving around...singing along loudly with songs on FM, on my way to work every morning. Some times in my rear view mirror I see the girl who learnt to cycle on her own at age 5 and I wave to her and she gives me the thumbs up.
Its within us to choose to be fearful of the dark or have deep fear of the light. Choose your path carefully. A Seed for Though for the ones who choose fear of light
Friday, August 27, 2010
I am a slave in a democracy. That’s what I feel like at times. Who says slavery is over, I think its only got reformed. I will be waking up till I am 60 yrs old and will leave for office every single day. I need to earn a living or I will die of hunger. I have to work every god damn day to ensure that I have resources to feed, clothe and provide for my self. I am a slave in the corporate world, the only difference being that I am not chained physically to my desk. But all the invisible chain and ball are tied to me though email, blackberry et al. Hell ya… I am a full on slave for sure!
I have NO TIME to stand and stare. I am always running to meet deadlines, flights, cabs, meetings etc. From the time I leave home in the morning, I am in a race, all that just so that I can make ends meet. What if I want to just live by a river side…grow my own vegetables? Well yes of course you can maam starting at 1.5 crores a house!
All of us are just toiling away every single day so that we can provide. Man has complicated his being on earth so damn much that we are slaves to ourselves now. Our needs and desires have got us hostage. We can never be free. Our quest only is material and it’s not going to end in this life time.
All I want is that little piece of land.
Are people better at making money and assets or am I just plain stupid?? A Seed for Thought for a very foolish me.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
"Let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit." Kahil Gibran
I Just got back after a hectic work trip that I combined with a personal holiday. It was such a rejuvenating holiday for me. 2 days …that’s all it took to feel like a girl again, a lucky girl. I am a very lucky girl and sadly at times I go out of my way to forget that. Why don’t I remember the fact that things could have been weirder and far less cooler??!
I look back and see the wonderful friendships that I have endured, nourished and grown over the past few years. It’s not easy I think to find friends, but I think it’s even more difficult to maintain friends when you find them. It takes so little to walk away from friendships and other things that require our attention. It’s so easy to give up.
I am so glad that I endured these friendships. It has been a ride over the past years. We go back to the time that most of our current friends have not been part of. What we do for each other is keep the youth warm and cosy in our memories. No don’t get me wrong…its not that we are old or something (far from that!). By youth I mean we remind each other of the rather foolish yet gusty decision we made while growing up. Some thing as simple as bunking a class is gusty I think…something that we did with such ease and flourish…and today we think 40 times before taking an impulsive half day from work. That is what we keep warm in our memories…the small gusty things that each one of us did…and can STILL DO!
We take care of each other yet we lead insular lives. So much goes on day to day that I don’t think we can keep up with the goings on. Yet, we gather each other and prod the other to walk that last mile of any race of life. Together we can put back a broken soul with the strength of our friendship. I know as I have witnessed this miracle.
I have many new friends and they accept me for who I am today. I need them too for they are my today but my yester friends are my yesterday, today and tomorrow.
Are friendships our biggest test of time? A Seed for Thought for the ones like me who has many many friends and well wishers but my best friends have been and will be the ones with whom I endure the passage of time.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I mean do you see how high maintenance I must be for my self. Always trying to entertain me! Keeping my self occupied with hours of net surfing. Checking out blogs, gossip sites, cooking tips, fashion and beauty updates. I am constantly reading, either a book or a magazine or a blog or an email or a txt message. My eyes and brain are constantly flirting, you do this ..I do that!!
When I get bored of living my life vicariously through the net then I take out time and meet real people aka friends and family. I will socialize…meet, dine, wine, and talk. Something is going on constantly. Talking, listening, emoting, expressing, and indulging.
I will find my self spending hours in traffic jams. In midst of the chaos on the roads, I will be connecting to the RJ on my favorite radio channel, taking work calls, cursing the car that grazed me by, smiling at the dude in the next car, scowling at the beggar who wont leave me alone.
If that too is not enough I will find my self cleaning my house, my office space, my car. Cleaning out the cobwebs constantly. Well, when I am done with that then I might find my self in a mall or cinema. Either window shopping, thinking …debating, to buy or not to buy. Once done with that I will watch a movie…connect to it …think over it, like it, hate it…occupy my brain with it as if it already wasn’t doing enough.
I might even find my self sitting in my terrace and reflect about my past, dwell in my present and day dream about my future. You see my friends its non stop!! In spite of doing all this and more…I find my self in this place in time…where I am freaking bored!!!
Boredom: The desire for desires?? Is that true?! A Seed for Thought for people who are too bored to be thinking about boredom!
I know I don’t give you much credit
But you have got to know…
It’s important for me to express my self
And move on for sure
Mush is not my nature
I know you have rescued me
Don’t feel sorry for your self
Coz you feel I am too damn weak
This too shall pass
And my baggage will be free
But for that at times
I need to express grief
Lord has a plan
And I have mine too
You feature in mine big time
After all he has put you here
Lets just laugh like mad kids
Like we always do
I won’t be grieving for long
That I promise you!
Laughter and sunshine
is what I have in mind
for I know that darkness
has lead me to this light!!