Friday, August 28, 2009


There are days when people do amazingly wonderful things for you. Today Tattoo Boy dedicated a poem to me on his blog.

Needless to say I am touched....honoured...emotional...happy...Thanks Tattoo Boy.

With his permission I am posting the poem on. My first ever GUEST writer ; )


Little girl inside, broken one too many times

She kept it all inside, painted on a smile

Under a frozen sun she stood to face the pain

She said to herself through this she will gain

When the knife began to chip she braved herself

Picked up her bags and weathered the storm

Standing strong through a thousand tears

Battling private wars amid a million fears

Making it through the night sometimes with no one in sight

Intermittently knowing somewhere she will find light

Convincing everyone around her there’s a reason behind this thunder and rain

Persevering for one day she will look through all the hurt and pain

Perpetuating through adversity to find a new person inside

Yes! One day the phoenix will surely rise

Starting over is not easy, it’s so dark at times

She knows it very well & made peace with the fact

Everytime she fell. Wiped the dust off her shoulders

Stood up and walked on as if she never stumbled

She won’t wallow in despair; a brighter day hides behind this sorrow

She will look ahead for there will be tomorrow

When her wings will spread, her eyes will sparkle

Standing proud, ready to take to the sky

Always remember

Butterflies are free to fly

You’re a butterfly, go on and fly

Soar up high above, your spirit should never die

Leave the past behind and don’t you ever cry

For you are a butterfly  : )

Tattoo Boy

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


He: You look so pretty in blue, I just can't stop thinking of you
She: thank you

He: You know I think about you all the time
She: Hmmm...I thought you were a busy man

He: I think of you every minute, only when I am working are you off my mind
She: Ok, that something...isn't it?

He: What is it about you that makes me so comfortable?
She: I guess its our vibe!?

He: You make me all soft, its like I am mush inside
She: You and soft, nah!(she smiles)

He: OK that's it, Can I come over and stay tonight
She: weren't you here just the other night? (naughty grin)

He: I like to hold you and feel your heart beat next to mine
She: Its a precious feeling, alright! (blushing)

He: I want you to know these moments are very special
She: (silent)

He: You silence speaks to me
She: (still silent)

He: When you run your fingers on my skin, I feel like a bit of heaven is within
She: Is that why you get goosebumps when I touch you? (naughty grin)

He: I have never felt this way before (softly)
She: Me neither, this feeling makes me so mellow

He: Every time I leave you, I want to come right back (whisper)
She: Every time you leave I want you back with me

He: I miss you, your touch, your voice, your feel..I will see you soon
She: In an hour or so?

She: what does tomorrow hold? (his arms around her)
He: Don't think of it, its just today we know

She: You and I can never be (with sadness)
He: I know and that's been our deal

She: I want out, I want more
He: Marriage, is that what you want?

She: No know that's not possible fer sure
He: So then enjoy this moment and let tomorrow be

She: What will I say to MY tomorrow when we shall meet?
He: Oh, why is it so difficult for you to cherish me?(annoyed)

She: Why are we doing this?
He: Listen, I hope you find some one you loves you, gives you a house and kids

She: (Shocked...with tears welling in her eyes)
He: You know I will be happy for you if you did

She: You will be OK that some one else will be a part of me?( Now crying)
He: As long as you are happy...(Sigh)

She: You don't mean could you?
He: I do...from the bottom of my heart (whispering)

She: Why are you with me?

A long pause

He: Can I come over tomorrow night?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Du Hast

Rammstein - Du Hast

Thursday, August 13, 2009


I am off to Bangalore. Last I was there was in Dec 1996. How time zooms away. This might sound very eeerie, but it was there in Bangalore that I had a dream that Nik will cheat on me. I remember waking up in the morning and feeling sick to my stomach. I drove my kinetic to his rented room and ran up and sobbed my dream to him. needles to say he was really annoyed and called it woman's hysteria! I am many many many moons later making my next trip to Bangalore. My first trip was because R had just moved there after staying with me in Pune for a year. She so wanted me to come down to this super cool city. R was dating this very creative art supervisor. Well, next thing you know I was fighting with my boss at Kimberly Clark to do my winter training in Bangalore. After much fighting and arguing, I finally won and went to Bangalore instead of Delhi. Along went Nik for his winter training as well. We took a train from Pune with our other batch mates...I remember waking up at 6 am at this wonderfully tiny station and ate idlis like I had never had food before!!

We both took down our bikes...he with his splendor and me with my kinetic. Thanks to that by end of 2 months i knew more about Bangalore than the locals did!! I shacked up with a Friend of R for a few days. She was marketing manger of Little Woods. Boy was I intimidated by her. She was THE marketing manager and me a poor little trainee! I remember waking up the first morning with 5 kittens and a pup sleeping on me!!! It seems the Marketing Manager was also an animal activist and rescuer.

I had such a great time in Bangalore. R went off to Hissar to introduce this Art genius to her parents and I had her room to my self. I bullied the best room and bed for her while she was away as her PG moved upstairs. It was so much of fun!!

I am so looking forward to going back to Bangalore after nearly 12 yrs!! So many chapters to close and so many chapters to open.

R is married now to the art genius for 10 years and has a son that looks just like her. Yes, indeed there are new chapters to open!!

“For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.” - Robert Louis Stevenson A Seed for Thought?!

Friday, August 7, 2009


I was doing my tarot cards last weekend. It’s very rare that I do my own tarot cards. I was deeply in despair and couldn't’t seem to find solace in anything or anyone. At time I guess we become our own enemies by thinking too damn much. Any way my cards urged me to seek and understand the relationship I share with my mother and all will be revealed then. It told me that the very first relationship any being forms is with the mother…and that very relationship holds the meaning of the subsequent relationships that we form…

Anna is an introvert herself. She has no close friends. The only people who matter are her mother, brother, my dad, A and me. She lost her dad at a very young age. At an age where was still a hero to her. She hadn’t grown old enough to see him as human…to her he will always be a hero. Hence her expectation from both my brother and dad are unreal. Her best friend was her younger brother who is no more. She has always expected the world from them…like it or not.

At a very young age I realised that Anna was incapable of forming relationships with women. It could be her mother, sister or me. She has certain aloofness after a point.

I was on my own. Making my plaits for school every morning. From my 8th grade onwards I have bought my own clothes with minimal supervision from my mum. The first time I had to tie a sari my mother and I had an argument…finally I had to ask my masi to come over and help me tie the saree. It was for teacher’s day. When I got my first period I went into a shock as my mother hadn’t warned me that now every month I shall have to go through this till menopause! I though I was dying as I had played too much of hockey!! Unlike most Indian girls, I bought my wedding outfit on my own and my mother only saw it a few days before as they were living abroad.

I grew up totally opposite to her. My house was filled with my friends from my 5th grade onwards. I still remember my parents had decided not to have a birthday party for me. We were in Jodhpur and I went and invited all 3 sections for my Bday party. What madness it was for my mum to arrange a party as the kids started rolling in!!

The only deep and meaningful relationships I have made in my life are with women. I have a sisterhood of friends from school, college and work who are like a lifeline. They take me for the madness that I am. It seems that I want THAT unconditional love and togetherness.

At 17 I left home to go to hostel and only got more and more independent. One would have though that it should have made me aloof but TODAY I realise I have only tired to fill my life with people and emotions.

I loved being with D coz her life was full of cousins and like me she has a lot of friends. With her I led that life I wanted to lead while growing up. Her house till today is full of relatives, kids, cousins, friends and neighbours…. She is such a super relationship maker and keeper. I guess she has mothered me.

I don’t know how but I grew up to fall in love with an Introvert. Not only is nik an introvert but also just like my mother, he has no great affection for family and friends. Today he and I both realise that most of the people who were there in his life were my friends.

It hit me like a thunderbolt after agonising about why the tarots asked me to analyse my relationship with my mother. I can’t believe it but it took me nearly 13 years to realise that Nik is so much like her in many many ways.

I for some reason got attracted to a man who was totally opposite of me and totally like Anna. Hmmm.. I don’t know where this realisation will take me….and I don’t know the seed for thought for this post. Maybe its just mindless rambling...


I have been glancing at various Rakhi pictures been uploaded by people on Facebook. I for one have no pictures to upload. My younger brother lives abroad. Just looking at the rakhi pictures of various people made me misty eyed. This time more than other I felt alone. Last 2 times the courier came back coz the Americans are so paranoid about “what’s in the packet!”

Isn’t it amazing that our country actually celebrates siblings…a festival where in a sister thanks her brother for being there for her, the brother shows his love by giving her a gift. Its so simple and pure. That’s what siblings are supposed to be for each other.

Looking back in my life I have had my ups and downs with my brother. Lets just say there has been more ups then downs. He and I are totally opposite to each other. I was that really naughty kid who was always being punished for some prank I had been up to, while A was the dreamer. He used to sit in a corner and draw….or run about catching butterflies. He was the one who was scared of the dark and I was the one who had my own room since I was 1 yr old. A is an introvert and I am an extrovert. He was good at school while I barely managed to make my grades every year. He hardly has any friends and I have one in every corner of the world and in every city that I have been to.

There are days we are best of friends and then there are days where we cant seem to agree on anything. Our personalities are so different that I guess it’s a crazy combination. Over the years we have learnt to adjust to each other and our temperaments. Today when I am going through my separation with nik… A picked up the phone and told me to go meet D. Today he understands and accepts that if there is one person on earth who will UNCONDITIONALLY love me and cherish me and pull back together then its D. Today he understands that both him and D have different places in my life.

We are literally East and West…He is father of 2 very bright and beautiful kids and I am in the process of concluding my family life. His main role today is of fatherhood and motherhood is something I might never have. He keeps reminding me of who I was and who I still am, deep down. He calls me ever so often and tells me all will be fine. His favourite line to me is “ you are a LIDDER”….just like dad you are meant for big things in life.

This Rakhi when I had no Rakhi to tie…I missed A and cried a bit.

My brother and I go back more than anyone else on earth and so it shall be in this lifetime. That my dear is NO seed for thought.