Notes

Notes to my self.

I am building my life back and some times to build anything crucial you have to have a note pad next to you..jot down stuff that is crucial "I need to remember list for life". Very important points that one should not let slip through the cracks.

1. Prayer is an act of talking to God and meditation is an act of listening. I need to talk to my self..and listen to the universe...every day in fact. So Meditate..listen.
2. Never give myself a chance to fall apart...ever again. Once you do that, it becomes a bad bad habit. Soon you are coming apart the seams at any given instance. Stop the act..NOW
3. Soul mates come into your life to tear down the wall and expose your self to you. Its important in life to stand naked in front of a mirror and see your self for who you are. Living with that forever could be painful..so you have got to let them go when the time comes.. LET GO!!
4. If I can't love my self then what chance in hell is there for any one else to love me?? Time I started romancing me. Love myself..take care of myself. Pamper my self. Turn the love inward. Fall in love with my self...again
   
5. What is good for me is good for me. I know it better than anyone else. Time I stop fighting the good just because some fuddy duddy social rule doesn't apply to the path of my happiness. Hold on to happiness with all your might...molly coddle the life outta happiness. Love it so damn much that it NEVER wants to leave your life...EVER! Happiness is my slave NOT my master
   
6. NOT let the word "Divorcee" define me. Can I please just redefine it for others. Can I allow my self to be the coolest, happiest, funnest (not to be mistaken for funniest) Divorcee out there?? Since when have I towed the line in this lifetime that I now I fall into the steriotype so obediently??
7. Not allow hate to seep into my system. Hate is a sneaky bastard that creeps up quietly and before you know it, its all over you like a bad FUGLY fungus. Don't ever get caught nappin by hate...let Forgiveness be the dude bouncer of my life that doesnt allow hate to enter.
8. Bring back that bitch of an ambition back in your life. You had fun with her. Ambition gave you balls of steel and made you do things that you only dared to dream. You LIVED your dreams coz of your Ambitions...then why did you tie her up in your backyard and let her starve?? Bring ambition back BY POPULAR DEMAND!!
9. Stop being all control freaky about life. Yep, I admit after years of being in denial that I am a control freak. Like all modern women out there, I have totally compartmentalised my life. We do it as we want to fit in so much in just one life time. So, my relationship went down the gutter, so so so?? Nik didnt end up being what I had bargained for...that knowledge made me lose all control. For one of those rare instances, my life didnt go as planned. So the control freaky me melted into a heap..What the fu&*! STOP IT.. STOP the freakin madness.
10. Read the notes to my self...again and again and again.
    

Pissed on my Parade

Now I know why millions of couples out there stay in a bad marriage. Its the damn freakin loneliness…it kills you. Trust me. This woman…small miracle did the unheard. She is freakin dumb! The reason I refer to my self as a third person is as currently the only one giving me company is my self.. hence I pretend I am the other person in my life right now. Stupid or desperate...dunno?!

I actually left my marriage. So he was cheating…so so so ??? It seems every one is cheating on the other. Yep, that’s my discovery. I have learnt in the recent past that people just look the other way when they see their spouse cheating on them. They pretend it’s all right. Mostly people my age have at least ONE kid if not two. So the kids are a great excuse. Just stay on with this one person you have known for so long and USE YOUR kids as an excuse. Who can bother to deal with living a life alone!??

So I have no kids…NO DAMN EXCUSE!! Rather than spending time trying to reproduce …and while in the act of reproduction, looking away so as to pretend that he’s NOT cheating…I spent time looking at my feelings. Today all the feelings I have are have are of being dead lonely. I Could have just stayed.

Nik is well read, very well spoken, we loved to travel together, we managed out house very well within our incomes, he has a gorgeous voice that sang to me when he was very very drunk…he is devastatingly good looking…then why the hell could I NOT find it in my self to look the other way???

Why did I decide to be ALONE…. days like last evening just kill me…just my damn fish and me. That’s it. To battle my loneliness, I went running in the rain. Yep, I always enjoy working out my feelings physically. After I ran a few laps of my residential area, I befriended a couple of 7-year-old boys. Can you see what my life is coming to?? One of them to lent me his cycle and then I cycled around the colony for some time till my heart was pounding and I could feel my sweat instead of the cold rain…

Then the very hungry and drenched in rain me, cooked me some spicy chicken. Spicy chicken is to me what an Old Monk is to a fauji at the front. We both have our antidote to loneliness…

Some times days like last evening are difficult to handle. A beautiful romantic rainy day… I HATE THEM for now…coz me and small miracle don’t know how to deal with them….

Well, we all know I would have left eventually...if not now then later. But, it sure does feel great to Vent!!!

Why is it easier to look the other way then to deal with our problems in life, A Seed for Thought?!!

What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?! Eliot

She

There are days when people do amazingly wonderful things for you. Today Tattoo Boy dedicated a poem to me on his blog.

Needless to say I am touched....honoured...emotional...happy...Thanks Tattoo Boy.

With his permission I am posting the poem on. My first ever GUEST writer ; )


She

Little girl inside, broken one too many times


She kept it all inside, painted on a smile

Under a frozen sun she stood to face the pain

She said to herself through this she will gain

When the knife began to chip she braved herself

Picked up her bags and weathered the storm


Standing strong through a thousand tears

Battling private wars amid a million fears

Making it through the night sometimes with no one in sight

Intermittently knowing somewhere she will find light

Convincing everyone around her there’s a reason behind this thunder and rain

Persevering for one day she will look through all the hurt and pain

Perpetuating through adversity to find a new person inside

Yes! One day the phoenix will surely rise



Starting over is not easy, it’s so dark at times

She knows it very well & made peace with the fact

Everytime she fell. Wiped the dust off her shoulders

Stood up and walked on as if she never stumbled

She won’t wallow in despair; a brighter day hides behind this sorrow

She will look ahead for there will be tomorrow

When her wings will spread, her eyes will sparkle

Standing proud, ready to take to the sky


Always remember

Butterflies are free to fly

You’re a butterfly, go on and fly

Soar up high above, your spirit should never die

Leave the past behind and don’t you ever cry

For you are a butterfly  : )


Tattoo Boy

http://distant-river.blogspot.com/

Tonight

He: You look so pretty in blue, I just can't stop thinking of you
She: thank you

He: You know I think about you all the time
She: Hmmm...I thought you were a busy man

He: I think of you every minute, only when I am working are you off my mind
She: Ok, that something...isn't it?

He: What is it about you that makes me so comfortable?
She: I guess its our vibe!?

He: You make me all soft, its like I am mush inside
She: You and soft, nah!(she smiles)

He: OK that's it, Can I come over and stay tonight
She: weren't you here just the other night? (naughty grin)

He: I like to hold you and feel your heart beat next to mine
She: Its a precious feeling, alright! (blushing)

He: I want you to know these moments are very special
She: (silent)

He: You silence speaks to me
She: (still silent)

He: When you run your fingers on my skin, I feel like a bit of heaven is within
She: Is that why you get goosebumps when I touch you? (naughty grin)

He: I have never felt this way before (softly)
She: Me neither, this feeling makes me so mellow

He: Every time I leave you, I want to come right back (whisper)
She: Every time you leave I want you back with me

He: I miss you, your touch, your voice, your feel..I will see you soon
She: In an hour or so?




She: what does tomorrow hold? (his arms around her)
He: Don't think of it, its just today we know

She: You and I can never be (with sadness)
He: I know and that's been our deal

She: I want out, I want more
He: Marriage, is that what you want?

She: No No...you know that's not possible fer sure
He: So then enjoy this moment and let tomorrow be

She: What will I say to MY tomorrow when we shall meet?
He: Oh, why is it so difficult for you to cherish me?(annoyed)

She: Why are we doing this?

He: Listen, I hope you find some one you loves you, gives you a house and kids

She: (Shocked...with tears welling in her eyes)
He: You know I will be happy for you if you did

She: You will be OK that some one else will be a part of me?( Now crying)
He: As long as you are happy...(Sigh)

She: You don't mean it..how could you?
He: I do...from the bottom of my heart (whispering)


She: Why are you with me?
 
A long pause


He: Can I come over tomorrow night?

Du Hast

Rammstein - Du Hast

1996

I am off to Bangalore. Last I was there was in Dec 1996. How time zooms away. This might sound very eeerie, but it was there in Bangalore that I had a dream that Nik will cheat on me. I remember waking up in the morning and feeling sick to my stomach. I drove my kinetic to his rented room and ran up and sobbed my dream to him. needles to say he was really annoyed and called it woman's hysteria!

Hmmm...here I am many many many moons later making my next trip to Bangalore. My first trip was because R had just moved there after staying with me in Pune for a year. She so wanted me to come down to this super cool city. R was dating this very creative art supervisor. Well, next thing you know I was fighting with my boss at Kimberly Clark to do my winter training in Bangalore. After much fighting and arguing, I finally won and went to Bangalore instead of Delhi. Along went Nik for his winter training as well. We took a train from Pune with our other batch mates...I remember waking up at 6 am at this wonderfully tiny station and ate idlis like I had never had food before!!

We both took down our bikes...he with his splendor and me with my kinetic. Thanks to that by end of 2 months i knew more about Bangalore than the locals did!! I shacked up with a Friend of R for a few days. She was marketing manger of Little Woods. Boy was I intimidated by her. She was THE marketing manager and me a poor little trainee! I remember waking up the first morning with 5 kittens and a pup sleeping on me!!! It seems the Marketing Manager was also an animal activist and rescuer.

I had such a great time in Bangalore. R went off to Hissar to introduce this Art genius to her parents and I had her room to my self. I bullied the best room and bed for her while she was away as her PG moved upstairs. It was so much of fun!!

I am so looking forward to going back to Bangalore after nearly 12 yrs!! So many chapters to close and so many chapters to open.

R is married now to the art genius for 10 years and has a son that looks just like her. Yes, indeed there are new chapters to open!!

“For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.” - Robert Louis Stevenson A Seed for Thought?!

Anna

I was doing my tarot cards last weekend. It’s very rare that I do my own tarot cards. I was deeply in despair and couldn't’t seem to find solace in anything or anyone. At time I guess we become our own enemies by thinking too damn much. Any way my cards urged me to seek and understand the relationship I share with my mother and all will be revealed then. It told me that the very first relationship any being forms is with the mother…and that very relationship holds the meaning of the subsequent relationships that we form…

Anna is an introvert herself. She has no close friends. The only people who matter are her mother, brother, my dad, A and me. She lost her dad at a very young age. At an age where was still a hero to her. She hadn’t grown old enough to see him as human…to her he will always be a hero. Hence her expectation from both my brother and dad are unreal. Her best friend was her younger brother who is no more. She has always expected the world from them…like it or not.

At a very young age I realised that Anna was incapable of forming relationships with women. It could be her mother, sister or me. She has certain aloofness after a point.

I was on my own. Making my plaits for school every morning. From my 8th grade onwards I have bought my own clothes with minimal supervision from my mum. The first time I had to tie a sari my mother and I had an argument…finally I had to ask my masi to come over and help me tie the saree. It was for teacher’s day. When I got my first period I went into a shock as my mother hadn’t warned me that now every month I shall have to go through this till menopause! I though I was dying as I had played too much of hockey!! Unlike most Indian girls, I bought my wedding outfit on my own and my mother only saw it a few days before as they were living abroad.

I grew up totally opposite to her. My house was filled with my friends from my 5th grade onwards. I still remember my parents had decided not to have a birthday party for me. We were in Jodhpur and I went and invited all 3 sections for my Bday party. What madness it was for my mum to arrange a party as the kids started rolling in!!

The only deep and meaningful relationships I have made in my life are with women. I have a sisterhood of friends from school, college and work who are like a lifeline. They take me for the madness that I am. It seems that I want THAT unconditional love and togetherness.

At 17 I left home to go to hostel and only got more and more independent. One would have though that it should have made me aloof but TODAY I realise I have only tired to fill my life with people and emotions.

I loved being with D coz her life was full of cousins and like me she has a lot of friends. With her I led that life I wanted to lead while growing up. Her house till today is full of relatives, kids, cousins, friends and neighbours…. She is such a super relationship maker and keeper. I guess she has mothered me.

I don’t know how but I grew up to fall in love with an Introvert. Not only is nik an introvert but also just like my mother, he has no great affection for family and friends. Today he and I both realise that most of the people who were there in his life were my friends.

It hit me like a thunderbolt after agonising about why the tarots asked me to analyse my relationship with my mother. I can’t believe it but it took me nearly 13 years to realise that Nik is so much like her in many many ways.

I for some reason got attracted to a man who was totally opposite of me and totally like Anna. Hmmm.. I don’t know where this realisation will take me….and I don’t know the seed for thought for this post. Maybe its just mindless rambling...

A

I have been glancing at various Rakhi pictures been uploaded by people on Facebook. I for one have no pictures to upload. My younger brother lives abroad. Just looking at the rakhi pictures of various people made me misty eyed. This time more than other I felt alone. Last 2 times the courier came back coz the Americans are so paranoid about “what’s in the packet!”

Isn’t it amazing that our country actually celebrates siblings…a festival where in a sister thanks her brother for being there for her, the brother shows his love by giving her a gift. Its so simple and pure. That’s what siblings are supposed to be for each other.

Looking back in my life I have had my ups and downs with my brother. Lets just say there has been more ups then downs. He and I are totally opposite to each other. I was that really naughty kid who was always being punished for some prank I had been up to, while A was the dreamer. He used to sit in a corner and draw….or run about catching butterflies. He was the one who was scared of the dark and I was the one who had my own room since I was 1 yr old. A is an introvert and I am an extrovert. He was good at school while I barely managed to make my grades every year. He hardly has any friends and I have one in every corner of the world and in every city that I have been to.

There are days we are best of friends and then there are days where we cant seem to agree on anything. Our personalities are so different that I guess it’s a crazy combination. Over the years we have learnt to adjust to each other and our temperaments. Today when I am going through my separation with nik… A picked up the phone and told me to go meet D. Today he understands and accepts that if there is one person on earth who will UNCONDITIONALLY love me and cherish me and pull back together then its D. Today he understands that both him and D have different places in my life.

We are literally East and West…He is father of 2 very bright and beautiful kids and I am in the process of concluding my family life. His main role today is of fatherhood and motherhood is something I might never have. He keeps reminding me of who I was and who I still am, deep down. He calls me ever so often and tells me all will be fine. His favourite line to me is “ you are a LIDDER”….just like dad you are meant for big things in life.

This Rakhi when I had no Rakhi to tie…I missed A and cried a bit.

My brother and I go back more than anyone else on earth and so it shall be in this lifetime. That my dear is NO seed for thought.

Breathless

Its Dark
Its Cold
I am confused
I am scared
Its Hot
Its dry
I don't know what to do

I am Happy
I am Cool
I am Sensitive too
Its Warm
Its getting Hot
Now I am breathless for sure

I am stuck in a the elevator
There is no way to go
My heart is pumping hard
I can't hear
you at all
My eyes are misting over
I can smell fear

I am Scared
I am Confused
Hold my hand
Don't leave me
The door will open up
fer sure

I have been
in this place for too long
Be patient
I will walk out of that door
This elevator I am confined in
I will get out of alive
fer sure

I am confused
I am scared
Please help me
Open up this door
I want to hold you
I need to get out
of here RIGHT NOW

Breathe with me
deeply
not just once
but several times more
I see light
I am reaching out
for freshness
fer sure

Darlin juss hold me
'coz I am scared
It took
a lot for me
to admit it
You have GOT to know....


Fear is the mind-killer...I know that but for some reason I can't stop, feelin fear. Seed for thought?!!

Jimmy Choo

Last evening I was invited for the launch of the world famous Jimmy Choo store. It was a Glam Champagne and Mini Bites evening. Every one was dressed in their best, perfect make up, hair, shoes …well you get the point!

Although I was suffering severe stomach cramps, I decided I must attend this opening. Then lo behold it rained so hard that it was quiet obvious that the roads to the launch venue would be jammed as hell. That got me thinking and contemplating …should I …shouldn't’t I??! The old Small Miracle would have at this point gotten lazy and said, forget it…let me watch some TV or read a magazine. The old Small Miracle would have really wanted to go but some how found a good reason not to.. But the new improved Small Miracle with a zest of lime, said LETS GO!! Screw the cramps and the crowded roads. So I glammed up as best as I could. Wore my black Jodhpurs trouser and purple jacket (unconventional for this type of cocktail dress kinda evening), along with my new sexy pair of 4” heels and headed off to the party.

I am so glad that I did. Over this one evening I realised that past few years I have lived in a very strange place. Its like the Lord of the Rings “middle earth”…I was living in some “Middle World” of my own. I feel like “Frodo” who had to carry the heavy weight of THE Ring… Just like Frodo I went through a great amount of ordeal to protect my “Shire”.But, in the end Frodo’s spirit is so broken that he sails off with Gandalf to undying lands to find peace. He left the Shire for good. My friends and family have been my “fellowship of the ring” helping me and protecting me though my arduous journey.

Last evening I realised that I have been living a very strange life. Here I was at the launch of a super brand in the country, mingling with my friends who are super achievers. I was invited for who I am and NOT for whom I was married to. I represent one of the most respected brands in the world (Sadly,I am not some platinum dyed floozy brain dead good looking chick, that would have been fun too!!). It took a social butterfly evening for me to realise that I am not a nobody. I have worked pretty damn hard to get here in life and YES I have made a name for myself. Then why did I spend all these months and years living in self doubt?! Frodo might have been tired by end of the journey but he was a Hero never the less…he left the shire , yes…but he went to the Undying lands and nothing less. I hope I never forget that EVER AGAIN.

Well, the highlight of the evening was Harper's Bazaar taking a picture of my super sexy uber cool heels. They loved them as much as I do. So what if they were not Jimmy Choos my darlings.

" Self esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.” A Seed for Thought?!!

Firefly

I was in Assam last week for a much-required holiday. I can’t stop thinking about Assam. What a beautiful part of our glorious country. I feel very privileged to have been born here and in these times. I have travelled far and wide and STILL there is so much of India I haven’t seen…I feel annoyed at times…why can’t I see all of India at once??!

Assam was truly gorgeous. It’s enveloped in a green blanket, that too in a summer that had hardly any rains. There are beautiful houses on the side of the roads. It seems people only build houses right on the highway. There are tall supari trees and small leafy plants, I can go on and on....all in all Assam is GORGEOUS!

In this visit I saw 2 things that took me back to my childhood. One was the famous touch me nots plant ( chui mui) and the other was the firefly! I used to walk far and wide in the IMA Academy as a child…either running after the beautiful firefly or walk the fields playing with the touch me nots growing wild. Both of them are wonder of nature and till this age they don’t cease to amaze me.

Now I am a look out for a touch me not plant in Delhi. I need to get my hands on one and bring it home. I can imagine me running to my front terrace whenever I am bored to play with the touch me not…Wow. This one plant makes you realise more than ever, that even plants have a life!! I want this delightful plant and I want it NOW!!

Firefly, what can I say…its such a mesmerising insect. Here is this tiny tiny insect that flies about and has a sac of bight light in its tail. Sitting out side D’s lovely home I saw hundreds of fireflies. It looked like stars had descended on earth…twinkling in all their glory.

I could have just sat there evening after evening…looking at the elusive yet beautiful firefly. You want to own a firefly yet you know the minute you capture the firefly it looses its bright light…it needs its freedom to fly about and shine. You can only be under its spell when it is free.

Kinda made me think about human relationships. The person that really attracts you and hold you attention is like a firefly. The minute you own it, you kinda kill the spirit in that other person with your demands, needs, wants, insecurities, desires, ownership. I believe that one person can be your firefly one if you let that person be free spirited. I see so many relationships come together for the right reason but don’t end up healthy and nice.

For me my men have always had the freedom to do what they did best…always. Even if it backfired on me, at least I have not killed any ones spirit in my lifetime. I want to enjoy my firefly while he flies about free. I get spell bound with his bright light and for that he has to be FREE.

A Seed for Thought for those who want to capture their firefly?!

Sunset

I am beginning to believe that storybooks are not the best foundations for kids. I grew up to all Prince rescuing Princess situations stories. I don’t know why the Princess could not be bold, bright and self-reliant? Maybe because the stories are 100 yrs old…that generation needed rescuing. Maybe its because if we romance the “Romance” we live in hope that the intense feelings that we feel with the blush of love, will live on forever. Love is nothing but hope, I guess.

Some where over the years I think I tried to fill a gap in my life with giving out too much of me in my friendships and relationships. I never really asked for much in return, just a lot of patience and understanding. I gave away everything I had in return for that patience and understanding. I gave away a piece of my heart every time I got that from anyone.

Today very few pieces are left. People have taken each bit they got and walked away. The optimist in me mourned for a while and then learnt to rally on. I haven’t really mourned any relationship once it is over. It’s the getting over part that I find the most painful and tiresome bit. Once it is done with, I just move on. Always have and always will. That’s my DNA make up…can’t help it. I believe in the fact that our heart re-grows…mine is in the process of growing back into shape.

My father made a very keen observation of me the other day. He told me that I have a hole in my heart that I have tried to fill all my life. He said “Small Miracle, just accept the fact that there is a hole and STOP trying to fill it with lovers, friends, clothes, makeup, shoes, bags…nothing is going to cure this disease. It’s a hole that you have to live with in this life time”. I just stood stunned listing to him on the other end of the phone. Hmmmm…. As always, Daddy is right. But, what about walking into the sunset with that certain someone…what about my fairy tale happy ending?? I want a piece of that sunset too.

That got me to think why do only a couple walk into the sunset?! Sunset means the sun has come down…it’s the end of the day. Since the sun has come up one has toiled alone in the day. Our better half, spouse, lover, partner et al doesn’t do our work neither live the day for us…We get up, dress for the day, seize it with our hands, take the best out of the day, own it and retire for the day.. That’s when the sun sets…after all the work has been done!

So my dear, I Small Miracle will most happily and stylishly walk in to the sunset on my high heels…with my own company to give me pride and honour. I don’t desperately crave the company of another person anymore. Now, please don’t think this is a bitter rambling of a divorcee in making. No my dears this is a deep realisation of a fact that I came alone and will die alone. My soul doesn’t have a partner in its journeys over various life times. It might decide to spend time with various souls, yes…but the soul gets born and decides to move to the next lifetime on its own… ALONE!

Relationships need to enrich us and our souls, if not then the walk alone can do us good to clear our head and I hear walking is certainly good for the heart ; )

Do we live our life so much expecting and hoping for a happy ending that we forget to look what journey we take??? A seed for thought for all those who want to follow the elusive firefly.

Man in the Mirror

Roo woke me up early morning today. She called to tell me that Michael Jackson is no more. I was absolutely shocked. Especially as just 2 days back I had uploaded one his songs that I just love on FB. My blackberry was full of messages of friends who thought it was so weird that I had uploaded MJ out of nowhere and now he is dead.

MJ can never die…with his death he will be one of the Icons that will live till music dies. You and I both know that music will never die. It will evolve, change faces, the beat will be different but still there will be a beat to which millions around the world will dance to. Luckily for Michael music will never die.

He was a mad genius. Changed the face of Music Videos with “Thriller”, changed the face of fashion with is short tapered trousers and while socks, changed the way people perceived plastic surgery 20 yrs back and Dancing,today we talk about pre moonwalking dancin and postmoon walk dancing styles. He pushed the envelope with his crazy mad genius.

Many focussed on his bizarreness where as to me he always stood for this lonely person who just couldn’t handle his life. He wanted to badly love and be loved. Just like all of us.

The line between celebrity and mortals gets blurred when the “humanness” comes to fore. End of the day the genius died a broken man. It seems he struggled with the same insecurities the plague you and I…zits ( I have often talked about mine!), fat nose, possibly his skin colour, loneliness, friendless, loveless, not having a normal relationship with his family and parents.

Isn’t it amazing how end of the day we all become equal when our emotions come to play. Same feelings of love, joy, euphoria, pain, sorrow, unhappiness…Are our emotions natures way of making us equal in the court of life??

A seed for thought for the man in the Mirror.

Expectations

Today I write this post a bit irritated. Last night I was out with 2 very dear friends and broke the news about nik and me. Needless to say there was surprise but then one them started mumbling how he had know about certain “women” that niks been with. Since I have split with nik this is the first time I experienced anger with a friend. Till now they have played a really supportive role for me and helped me transit through a very tough period in my life.

At times I don’t get friends…if you know something that is not right then please tell me. Honestly if I had heard or felt that his wife was cheating on him, I would have told this particular friend of mine. No two ways about it. That’s my commitment to him and it calls that I look out for him.

One one hand rationale told me that maybe he didn’t want to disturb the so called peace that he felt I had in my marriage, on the other hand I was burning with anger for him to have seen and hear things and not walking up to me and tell me about it.

Who is right or wrong…it’s a sensitive time in my life. I can’t seem to comprehend the right from wrong. It’s so important at this point not to have any expectation from friends as that is the very cause of anger. I expect them to be fearless like me. I expect them to be impulsive like me, I expect them to watch out for me like I would do for them, I expect them to not see me walk into a dark ally unknowingly, when they very well could have helped avert all this.

Hmmm…then on the other hand I feel, maybe this is how it was meant to be. People hesitate to comment about a married couple. Friends don’t want to be the “bad” one telling you things that you might not wanna hear. I dunno…all I can say is that I am very disappointed. Very very disappointed. Is it right to feel this way? Should I just not feel anything for friends, nik, family, work…just cloak my emotions and rally on.

Just that conversation brought back so many bad memories of the past. Things that I want to forget. I don’t want to remember all those women…the betrayals…the trauma…tears..heartache.

I want to be able to wake up positive about my self. I want to be able to start liking my self again. I wonder what made me take all that nonsense for so many years. Why did I turn into such a coward?! Why did I not stand up for what was right a few years back??

Every one craves to be loved… yet I can’t for the life of me figure out if love is strength or is it a weakness?? A seed for though for the lovers who got weak with love.

The Fighter

S.E. Kiser


I fight a battle every day
Against discouragement and fear;
Some foe stands always in my way,
The path ahead is never clear!
I must forever be on guard
Against the doubts that skulk along;
I get ahead by fighting hard,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong.

I hear the croakings of Despair,
The dark predictions of the weak;
I find myself pursued by Care,
No matter what the end I seek;
My victories are small and few,
It matters not how hard I strive;
Each day the fight begins anew,
But fighting keeps my hopes alive.

My dreams are spoiled by circumstance,
My plans are wrecked by Fate or Luck;
Some hour, perhaps, will bring my chance,
But that great hour has never struck;
My progress has been slow and hard,
I've had to climb and crawl and swim,
Fighting for every stubborn yard,
But I have kept in fighting trim.

I have to fight my doubts away,
And be on guard against my fears;
The feeble croaking of Dismay
Has been familiar through the years;
My dearest plans keep going wrong,
Events combine to thwart my will,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong,
And I am undefeated still!



One of my favourite poets and poem...Now, I feel even closer to this poem. I am the chosen one by destiny...

VIBGYOR

I have been real busy now days doing up my place. Its certainly got MY stamp on it. Although its juss the initials stages, i am in the process of putting my home together. Bedroom is bright pink and orange. Living room is yellow. Drawing room is turquoise blue and lemon green...and study is staid brown, guest room I am still to do. Its a riot of colors. True reflection of my colorful life.

I need to be able to walk into my home and get a feeling of being surrounded by various colors of light...VIBGYOR if you please. I want to live in light!! Just walking into my new home makes me feel better about my situation. For that matter my fish (guppies)are also really colorful. I have a bunch of them with pink, orange, yellow tails...i can sit for hours just looking at them move around. They are so bright and lovely.

Slowly things are settling in. Got my internet and TV connection. Two most important things to live in today's time. Opened all my books up and realized there are so many that are unread... I don't know why I never got down to reading them??? I have a bunch of movies on my laptop. Hmmm..I seem to have taken care of immediate loneliness. Can't afford to feel that for a prolonged period of time. I fear it becoming a habit...a habit that one finds difficult to kick.

I write this post while listenin to "Its all right" by Seal on 95 FM...Its my current favourite song and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it..hmmmm...yes my dears it is truly gonna be alright. Nik and I are coming to grips with the tornado that hit us... It created destruction for sure, but also left a eerie silence after all the turmoil. I am loving my silence. No more fighting, arguing, hurting, painful discussion...maybe there is still "why me..." but that too shall pass, hopefully. Its very very tough but I can only pray for a better tomorrow for both of us.

Last evening I had my first bunch of friends over. A nice tarot reading and some crazy conversations...then someone who really comforts me, came over...Perfect! Like I had mentioned in one of my earlier post...I am alone but not lonely!

Its Happening...its all happening for the better!

Does happiness find us or do we go looking and create our own happiness?? Seed for thought for the not so wise as me.

Collision

One fine day you woke up and had me in your life. From being a no body I am a somebody that you know. I didn’t exist for you for all these years…I am now a person you want to hear from more and more.

What happens is that destiny waits and bides its time, till the perfect moment strikes and then two lives collide. The collision course is preset and a small thunder strikes. Unknowingly out of nowhere 2 lives collide.

It could be 2 friends who met at Miranda or colleagues who became best friends, it could be 2 strangers on the net, who connect or it could be 2 people who meet randomly on a golf course. How and where it strikes no one ever knows. Strike it does and that how our life goes.

Some wonderful people have collided and intersected my life’s road. Your life and mine got entangled and the web just grew so strong. Some times I resisted and some times I gave in easy... but a web it is of friendship.It turned that my fortunes got doubled as you and I collided.

Last 6 months have been traumatic but some amazing friendships came in fore. I specially want to mention Agent Green Glass and Sepulcher more so. 2 wonderful people I met in this massive blog world. Unknowingly our lives collided and now we want more.

This page is incomplete without mention of Mad M. Out of nowhere you came and ripped away most of my fears. You stood behind me and all I felt was your white force. Although you are mostly so far away, I have felt you presence through the darkest of my phase. I sat lonely on a rock far away from the world I knew, trying to make sense of it all, suddenly I feel you sitting besides me cracking some mad silly jokes. Our lives must have just collided but you behaved like you were ALWAYS there. You dared to call me impostor to my face; my smiling mask was ripped off to reveal all those tears. I can’t thank you enough mister and for a change I am short of words…I have known goodness just when I was totally engulfed in fear.

Bang.. Bang.. Bang some lives collide and form friendships out of nowhere. Then there are those rhythms that get broken and one can't comprehend. One fine night you look up and the moon has walked off to a new home!!! Ah…these collision courses change our life for sure.

Seed for thought for those on the collision course??

Live and Write

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

- Henry David Thoreau

Well, having taken this seriously, I think today life has taught me enough for me to write. I have lived. Lived a life that has been blessed and very privileged. Today I woke up wanting to Thank my countless blessings as I was beginning to feel a bit thankless. That just didn’t feel right for after all, I AM Small Miracle. A bi product of many small miracles, which have come together, to make me who I am today.

I focussed so long on my failures that I forgot to realise the achievements. There have been plenty. I have lived a very sheltered life for most of my growing years. I had a value system a bit outdated for my generation, I admit. But, that kept me simple, grounded and in awe of life.

I grew up full of life. I talked nine to a dozen (and still do!), about this that and everything…with animated hand movements. Its like those very hand movements would make the story go any faster than it already did. In my head the story is going much faster than what I am narrating it…I talk a lot!!

Every one I know from childhood calls me mad. I admit, I am mad. Mad for wanting to live a full life. I don’t know how and when I will be back on earth. I don’t know what my next life circumstances will be…so should I not enjoy the best of life now, with such blessed circumstances??

I love travelling. It feeds my soul. My soul found my dad and knew that this would be the best-travelled household. From the day I was born its been non stop movement in my life…and I have loved every second of it. Thanks to dad I also travelled to America for the first time…how it opened up my world and mind.

I work for one of the world’s most reputed airline. I was the youngest manager at age 26 when i got hired. I hardly make any money but the reason I have stuck on, is its fuel to my fire for travel. I have been to countless countries on work and pleasure…and I feel the romance has just begun. Still so many places to go…so much to do…learn…imbibe…honour.

At times my life has touched the dark side…flitting here and there. Nothing that alarmed me. The only time I experienced a prolonged dance with darkness was in my personal relationship. Today I have left that behind. I walk on towards the light, things bright and beautiful. I know darkness and I will tango now and then. But that doesn’t scare me anymore.

I have an amazing life to be thankful for. So much has happened and so much I welcome to come teach me. I have welcomed strangers who have become dear friends. I have stood and stared at nature. I have loved my work and my people who work with me. I have many many friends who stand strong with me, besides me and behind me.

I have never cheated. Money is such an easy corrupter but I never volunteered to be its slave. I respect wealth but not lust it. It comes, good enough…it doesn’t well just too bad!

I have parents who tell me I have done them proud. My father says I have handled the separation in my marriage in quiet dignity that shocks him. Where did this strength come from, well, i think it was there within. I know its time to bow my head and be thankful, for I am one of the many small miracles!

I write this not in arrogance but in humility for I can truly say I have stood up and lived.

A seed for thought?

Posting

On 30th may 2009 I moved out of my home, that I shared with Nik. We had lived there for 5.5 yrs together. A lot of things happened in that house. Some good and some not so good. But all in all I pretty much lived my married life in that house. It had to end…so it did. Enough of ifs, buts, how, when and why. Too much has been said and analysed. In the end 2 hearts have been broken. 2 lives separated. A living unit divided into 2.

That’s NOT how it’s meant to be ideally…but I didn’t live in an ideal world. My world was full of confusion. The line between right and wrong was very blurry. There were others who lived between us…without me knowing. So things were far from ideal.

I married a lovely man. A best friend that I totally love and adore. He wasn’t ready for marriage, for my strong emotions, my boundaries, for loyalty. We had a very important ingredient missing…compatibility. I wish for him to find a better life and an amazing life partner. He does deserve the best, so what if the best was not I. That makes me no less well…just not best enough for this union.

I moved into my own house. It’s really nice. Its empty. I love the fact that it is empty. I now get to colour the canvas in myriad hues. Don’t get me wrong. I loved every moment of doing up my home with Nik. Everything was shared and bought after discussion. Now I need to be in love with me…just as much as I was in love with Nik and the fact that I was married to him. I need to be in love with the fact that I am me again.

I will not waste time in regret and bitterness. I have no regret because I had his love for a long time. I am not bitter towards him as I know now that he doesn’t know better. I will always feel great love for him. I might not be in love but I will love.

Nik, thank you for giving me those very wonderful years. I enjoyed most of our time together. I have learnt so much from you as I am sure you have too. I send only prayers and blessings your way. I am round the corner from you and you know that. Just fill your life with love and happiness. Open your arms WIDE and let the world reside in there…I have always done that. Today I have so many people standing besides me and behind me. My arms are wide open for more.

I also want to thank Devjani with a million hugs for being my soul sister. Without her I would be very broken today. A big shout out to Chirag, Varun, Charubala and China for helping me pack and shift. A special thanks to the boys of NSG for their support. I also want to thank some very dear friends who were far away but were there with me every second that day and have supported me through it all.

Most of you attended my wedding and I know it is equally tough to see me leave my home. I don’t know what to say. Lets just say that this fauji kid is going on to her next posting. As always the future is unknown but that is what makes life so exciting...i know this posting will be as good as all others have been in my life.

Nik I will miss you but NOT MOURN you… FRIENDS FOREVER!!

Parted

WHEN WE TWO PARTED

George Gordon (Lord) Byron

WHEN we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:
Lond, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met--
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

Departed

Today something shocking happened. A really bright boy who most certainly stood out in the crowd of Ogilvy, committed suicide. This boy was smart, well dressed, and good at his work and certainly got people’s attention when he entered the room. There are many people in Ogilvy and chances are I won’t recognise most of them if I see them on the road outside, but this guy I remember from the first instant I saw him.

I believe he did this as he had a fight with his girlfriend and they had broken up. Imagine a bight confident boy from the outside was so emotionally vulnerable from the inside. I am sure there must have been other issues that would have been building up in his life and probably this was the last straw that did him in.

It also makes me wonder, did he not have people in his life that he could reach out too. Was his pain only his own that he couldn’t share it with anyone…and if he did have pillars of strength in his life, would he have given up his life? So many questions about a person I hardly knew but saw every day. His death has affected my team and me. It’s really sad and shocking to say the least.

Just made me want to thank all the people who have stood by me. I know I have already done that, but yes it’s so important to be made to feel loved and cherished, while going through a crisis. How easily I could too have gone down the path of self-destruction if I did not have conviction in life and people.

The path of happiness will always be an uphill task and the path rolling down to sadness and depression so easy. I am so glad that I have people around me who have shown me the light to happiness when I could not see the way. There were no streetlights and the road was dark and full of potholes…but friendships shone the light of love and affection and I found my way. Yes, I took time. Maybe, a long time. Now I can see the path… Very well lit path.

Siddharth, though I did not know you well. I wish for your soul to find peace. Bless you!!


Our Mind thinks of Death
Our Heart thinks of Life
Our Soul thinks of Immortality.

Stripped and bare

Last evening I striped bare. My body and mind has been layered over the years with thoughts, mindsets, ideas, obligations, triumphs, disasters, pain, numbness, joy, tears…layers and layers of all of this that and more.

Amazingly I stand twice in the day in front of the mirror. Once in the morning while getting dressed to work. I am almost always running late for work hence it’s just a glance to see if all is fine. Then once in the evening right before I hit the bed to rid my face and body of all the muck and stuff of the day. I am so tired by then that one barely even notice how one looks or feels.

This ritual has been going of for 2 decades at least. Not one day have I taken time off to actually see my self? How do I look?!! I don’t think I know how my body or face looks in detail. Since when have I been so preoccupied with my mind and the goings on in the head, the master carrier of my soul got totally sidelined. The body just went unnoticed.

I know of women who spend hours in front of the mirror. Taking care of their face and body. They love who they are and have always admired their looks. While I just cruzed along my life, devoid of the urge to look at my self. Yes I LOVE dressing up …clothes and shoes are my passion. But the amazing thing is that they cover your body…to sit and choose what you will wear doesn’t require a mirror. You just reach into your cupboard and that’s it.

For the first time I stripped down bare and gathered enough courage to look at my self. Not only did I see my self in my skin I also I saw layers of auras around me. My shoulders were slumped over with years worth of nonsense. I was born free in this same skin. I was told I was a really happy go lucky child who smiled a lot. Today my skin-felt heavy…so much of residue…. although the body looked pretty darn perfect…it felt like a loser.

I sat down and cried and cried. So much of tears that even I was shocked!! In the process I lost one of my contact lens and didn’t even realise it. I wept for what I had done to my body and soul. I wept for I had stopped loving me. I wept for I had ignored my self. My body went unnoticed by me for years. I just didn’t care. Why had I done this to me??

The only thing that would calm me was the sharp droplets of water. Just standing under the shower, my tears mingling with the water, I felt slowly the layers of thoughts, mindsets, ideas, obligations, triumphs, disasters, pain, numbness, joy, tears…all washing away. Last night after a long time, I slept peacefully, even though the pillow was not my own.

I am going to turn this around. This will be the rising of Small Miracle. From this dirty pool of water this fish will emerge. Once more I will frolic in the sea of love, compassion, honesty, loyalty, forgiveness, friendship. The white light is I.

This mind will be unloaded for a while for no seeds of thoughts are necessary at this moment.

Creed

"Wash Away Those Years"

She came calling
One early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly
To tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
This is how she carried on

Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years

My anger's violent
But still I'm silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence Is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone
Remember you're not alone

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years

For we have crossed many oceans
And we labor in between
In life there are many quotients
And I hope I find the mean
the mean, the mean

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years
I hope that you can wash away those years

Quake

For those of you who have been strong enough to go through my dark thoughts of the past few months…a big Thank You. It’s been tough. Very tough. Life changing even. I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past few years…it’s been very tough but then that’s the path I chose, so no regrets at all. Pain yes...Regrets no.

I just wish it were not meant to be like this. I wish I did die in the arms of my soul mate at the end of my lifetime… I wish we had kept those promises that we made at age 20 and reiterated when we got married. I wish we have loved and respected each other far more than we landed up doing. I wish I were not so emotional. I wish I did not feel BOTH Joy and Pain with such intensity. I wish I had not made my world only about him and me…I wish there was a lot of me after 6 pm every day. I wish I had THAT zing in me that would keep my man with me…

Love is such a complicated feeling. Reflecting back all we started with was togetherness. It was just he and I and our world. We didn’t spend a minute apart and that too felt less. Then I left the country and on returning back nothing was ever the same again. I saw the shift then. Over the years I have been told time and again that I only operate with one emotion, that is EGO. Well, I guess my ego did not allow me to accept that things had changed.

I will not sit and sermon on how things should be. I have no clue but I do want to thank you all for being there for me. Today and future is a blur. I know I will make it, now more than ever. Dreams have got shattered. Maybe I will never find another…no children to have as a legacy…a tag to carry for rest of this lifetime. Maybe this was it, the only true love of this lifetime!!?

But, I can’t live a sad, regretful, hateful, painful life coz of the daunting “Maybe” that hang about the corners of my life.

The biggest fear to have battled is of being Lonely. I fear it…coming home to nothing and no one. Past 6 years have been in each other’s company. Gently shaking him up when he has those nightmares every few days. Waking up every single morning to his warm hugs. Waiting for him every evening to come home. Who will reach out to the top shelf? How will I deal with being stuck in a room with a Lizard?! What about that books that he reads and recommends to me. Will I not get to pull him in the nook of my neck every morning and make him rest there for a few minutes before he gets out of bed? Those many many trips together around the world. All my sari blouses have buttons in the back… Who will button those blouses? Will I now never wear a sari?! What about that mangalsutra?? No more Sindoor on the forehead at festivals?? What about the wedding band that I gave him inscribed with "Soulmates Forever"...

What happened to the Fire God who presided over my wedding ceremony? Wasn’t he supposed to purify that moment and our union?! What about those hundred people who sat around us while we were being joined in the holy matrimony, did they not bless us?! Are those blessings not worth any thing?!

He and I were Silent but not alone, over the past few years. We were there around each other…maybe not with each other ...but most certainly around. Then where did this earthquake come from?! How did my Home become the epicentre of this earthquake?

I have no seed for thought as I feel very mindless...numb!

Ordinary

Things are happening. I can feel the winds of change blowing, fast and furious. I don't know what I am doing or will it be OK. All I KNOW is that I am doing this for something has snapped. Somethings you can't undo. Somethings are are not meant to be undone. They happen to push you into another zone. A zone that you would have never chosen ordinarily, but then I am not ordinary.

Extra ordinary things happen to extra ordinary people. Maybe that is why I was not supposed to have it the ordinary way. I wish I was ordinary. I wish I was that woman that could just give and give, not snap at all. But I have snapped, at first it felt like I had snapped into two pieces. Broken into two. It was so tough to make sense of it all...why me...why me...why me...that's all I could ask God. I don't deserve this I said.

The one day I got the answer from the man above, WHY NOT YOU, he said?! Why expect the ordinary when you are so extra ordinary?!! Why makes you think others deserve this but you will lead an ordinary privileged life?! Yes, my master I said, for the first time I will not fight my fate. For this is how it was meant to be. I shall love and will not allow hate to seep in. For 15 years of precious loving has great and profound meaning.

I will not lose the meaning of loving, giving, hoping and changing. I will not fear ordinary emotions like fear. Fear freezes you to the ground. You are immobilised with the feeling. You don't move, you don't breathe, you don't live, for fear has cut you off your knees. I have been on my knees for a while now, time I got up and felt my feet. Time I put my feet on the ground and ran barefoot...feel the grass blades on the soles of my feet. Its time I ensure that BOTH you and I LIVED an Extra ordinary life... We share extra ordinary love that nothing will fade nor charr or burn away. Its time we cast away the fear we fear! Why fear loss when the only thing we have gained is LOVE..

Its time...

Breathe

Breathe - The Prodigy


Breathe with me

Breathe the pressure
Come play my game
I'll test ya
Psycho-somatic addict insane
Breathe the pressure
Come play my game
I'll test ya
Psycho-somatic addict insane

Come play my game
Inhale, inhale, your the victim
Come play my game
Exhale, exhale, exhale

Come breathe with me
Breathe with me

Mates

The other day some one asked me what is your idea of a Man. Lets be clear here, its not about a "Perfect" man as no such thing exists. No one is and should be perfect. Our allure and charm lies in those small imperfections that we have. That's what makes us stand apart in the crowd. Perfection would be so boring. Every snowflake is different. Every snowflake is beautiful. These different snowflakes come together and form breathtaking glaciers.

Why are we constantly obsessing about what an ideal man should be. There is no ideal. What could be ideal today could be totally a mismatch tomorrow. Its situational. Some one's reaction to one thing could be ideal and a reaction over something else could be utterly wrong!!

Surprisingly when ever you do ask some one about their ideal mate the usual responses are almost always physical. Ladies will FIRST say "I like my man to be tall, short, dark, fair, deep voice, muscular, skinny, clear skin, black hair, brown eyes etc etc". Then the women will most likely say "I would like him to make me laugh...he should be funny, he should be entertaining etc". Then will come the last bit which is " he should be deep and intense or sporty and outdoorsy or nerdy and bookish."

Then once we have the physical aspect put together, the entertainment part taken care of and lastly a loose characterisation of nature.... the women go hunting. Please note by now she has a rough sketch of THE man in her head. For example, THE man is tall, fair, clear skinned, muscular, intense AND yet my lord he makes me laugh! Now these very traits will take me through life. We don't care much about the person he is UNDERNEATH. Rather we never really care to explore the person as long as the list is matched and all boxes ticked off.

I shall be happy as a Lady bug on a sunflower for I have found my phantom match. He is a mystery to me but I don't really care. That's how mad most of us women are.

Come on people...is this how it goes?!! THIS is how a mate is found?!! How the hell is an intense man going to make you laugh...ever thought about that woman??! How is his masculinity going to help you feel better when you are sad and depressed?! What will his fair skin do for you when you need some one to stand by you in your tough time and he is no where in sight??

Over the years my idea of A Man (NOT THE man) has changed. I am thinking my wish list would go like this...

1. Someone who appreciates my flaws. Its easy to love anyone strengths


2. I earn my living. I don't need your money. I can buy my self anything I wish. I CAN buy YOU anything you wish. I can't buy Love and Loyalty.


3. I need togetherness and sharing. If I can't touch your laptop, phone, be part of your social networking site then maybe you don't understand what togetherness is.


4. I know how to give space. I also know the difference between giving space and living in two different continents. My MBA does help me decipher such things.


5. Honesty is non negotiable.


6. Until or unless you and I agree on an "open relationship or marriage" chances are that I will expect loyalty. I don't understand why you would want to be with everyone else WHILE you are with me...it confuses me!!


7. I want you to stand by me STRONG. Life is tough. Its gonna challenge us. I will be annoying, needy, weak, weepy, insecure and then there will be the days I will be the DIVA, strong, successful, confident. You have got to be able to handle all the avatars.
8. There will be days when I will need you to be my net that I can fall into and you better know that I have a spine of steel that can carry any burden for you. You cant pick and choose when you will be there for me and when you wont. YOU HAVE GOTTA BE THERE ALWAYS.


9. I don't know how you look. I guess it doesn't matter. Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston. Did it make her pain less coz he is the worlds best looking Dude?? I think not. Handsome is what handsome does.
10. Like all women I look absolutely scary in the morning...can you love that?? Never agree with me when I say I am looking fat, ugly, terrible...NEVER ; )

Have you noticed that the most important decision we take in life of finding a mate is based purely on the physical aspects. While to buy something as basic as a car, we go showroom to showroom looking at various cars, we test drive them, check the colour, see the engine, compare the mileage with other cars. Looks is just one aspect of the whole package of buying the car. We don't settle for anything but the best within our means, needs and desires.

Do we NEED a mate or should we WANT a mate?!! Seed for thought for those who don't know better...

Vanity Insanity

Them zits. I hate them. To give a brief back ground, I have always had super clear skin. No zits, no marks, just clear skin. The only thing that I have is a massive birth mark on the right hand side of my face. It goes over my right ear, spreads a bit on my right cheek and then all over my neck. Very few people who know me have even noticed it. But yes, let it get Hot, Sweaty or if I am pissed off...the birth mark goes stark raving mad and gets a life of its own. I can feel it burn up and turn bright Red. Though its has been bang on my face I have never been conscious of it. Maybe that's why people don't notice it much, as I don't notice it much my self.

So life was cruising along just fine with me and my birthmark, then suddenly one day 2 years back I saw a bunch of zits/pimples sprout up right on my cheek bones. So every time I laughed or smiled, they would hurt. Not only were they nasty hurtful, they also were full of gunk that you and I don't need to talk about. I ignored them for a few weeks. Thinking I am going through a rough personal time so maybe its just stress. Then a few months when the pimples had pretty much taken over my face, I had no choice but to contact a dermatologist.

One fine evening I found my self sitting in a seedy basement of a well known skin specialist. While I was waiting at his reception I was asked by his assistant if I would be interested in either Botox or Restylene. So I got a bit nervous. Here I am talking about something as basic as pimples and there she is talking about Botox!! It annoyed me a bit, is this a ploy to totally destroy any self esteem I might have left?!! So while the Dr is busy attending some one else, the assistant is pushing me to have more luscious lips with Restylene. Or I could remove the "Age" lines on my face with Botox. Lines...I have lines on my face?!! I hadn't even noticed!!! Ok agreed I might not have the worlds most perfect full lips or flawless "ageless" skin but getting some thing injected in them was just up my ally. Then she pounced on my birth mark. Did I know that I could get it lasered off??! Why in God's name would I want that, I asked her?? Its been my identity for my entire adult life. I love my birth mark!!

I was so psyched by the time I met the Dr that I just couldn't wait to get out of there. I went home and inspected my face for at least an hour. Are these lines so ugly?? Hmmm...my lips are thin but they seemed to have served me fine. No one had ever commented on their thinness up till now. Or did I have very polite friends who over the years omitted to mention my thin lips?!! Awwww.....where did these lines come from?!! Why did I not notice them before?!! It felt like just yesterday when I had line less and zit free face. Why is GOD doing this to me??! Does he hate me in particular that I am rolling down the lane of total "Uglydom" after years of "Divadom"

So the next few days were spent in total concern of me looking old and needing things to save it from total destruction. I had just stepped into my 30's and it seemed that life was over. I might as well retire to the hills and live with all the old women with hundreds of age line on their faces. Who would notice them there??!!

Miraculously my pimples were forgotten. I had bigger problems now of Age lines, thin lips and my birthmark.It such a sucky situation. No one wants to age willingly, but we do. That's just the way nature planned it so. I have got to learn to wear my Age lines with pride. I love my birth mark. Its been my identity for always. What am I getting stressed about? Hair will grey, skin will wrinkle and birthmark will remain on my face. I realised how Vanity is total Insanity. People can feed you junk and you can actually get sucked into the madness of Vanity.

Luckily good sense prevailed and I went back to stressing about my pimples ONLY. 2 years later I still get pimples, I have massive acne marks on my face. I moan about them now and then and sulk about them. Luckily I made peace with my Age lines and thin lips. I am back in love with my birthmark. Its special. No one else has it but me!! : )

Why is the Society so concerned with looking a certain way only?!! Do we put undue pressure on insecure people and get them to do things that they might not need at all?? Every one ages, then why do people feel alone in the journey of aging?! Why is aging such a bad word?!

A Seed for thought for us humans who start aging from the moment we are born!!

Reclaim

So much has happened since 1st Jan 2009. I usually do a lot of thinking in Goa while bringing in the New Year. This year I had other things on our mind. Suddenly life took over and I was no more in control. I had plans and they were BIG Plans. Things were gonna be perfect…just perfect. I was doing a true “Small Miracle” to my life. Past was miraculously gonna go away and future was to be bright and cheerful. Well, that’s how I planned it. My BIG Ego and I were not gonna have it any other way. Failure of plans was NOT an option. The writing has been clear on the wall for a long time but I was never gonna read it. NEVER…then one day the writing would fade and my plan would be so successful.

Now I have no plan. No clue what is in store for me? I am sitting in a limbo. Hoping that some one will get here and resolve my life. I am sitting in this room buzzing with people, friends, family, colleagues and other noises. I can’t see any one, everything is a blur…but strangely I can read the writing on the wall very clearly. I can read every damn word of it. I tried to rub it off…I tried and tried. This time the writing is not going away. It’s right there in front of me…in Permanent Ink.

This has made me reflect my life and who I am. I last went through this painful phase of “Who am I " when I was 17. Having done that and defined myself, I thought the job was over. Now that I knew who I was and my value systems were addressed, I was set for life. I am Small Miracle. I KNEW me more than anything else and I knew my life. I didn’t know where I was going in life and whom I was going with, but I knew ME. That was good enough, wasn’t it?

1999

1. I was working 12-15 hours a days. Slogging it and LOVING every moment of the slog. I look like a hag but felt like a princess.

2. My self-esteem was High. I was great at what I did. Loved by my people. Popular at work with colleagues and client.

3. I had a very close set of friends with whom I had spent past few years, growing up. We were there for each other every step of the way. We just didn’t allow each other to fall. I was always the problem solver that every one came to. I was there for them 24/7, emotionally, financially and mentally.

4. I went all over Delhi heat, rain and cold in buses and autos. Never complained a day.

5. Dating this perfect boy who loved me unconditionally. Our life revolved around each other. We did everything together and loved every moment of our togetherness. We were so TIGHT that there was no place for even air…forget another person or thing.

6. In spite of everything being great I was burning out very fast. I could feel it in my bones. The burn out was round the corner. I was exhausted ALL the time. I was working my self to the bone. For months I had no day off. I was going round the clock all the time between work, friends, family and my boy. I was not ME any more.

7. One day I woke up and gave it ALL up to go to America. My family was going there on an assignment. I needed to save my self from self-destructing. I just got up, resigned and sat on that plane and left. It was not easy but nor did it kill me. I left behind a great job, closest friends, security of Delhi, all of my material possessions and most importantly my Boy. I was allowed to take a suitcase of clothes and that’s all I took.

2009

1. I work 8 hours a days. Maybe not slogging it but certainly LOVING every moment of what I do. In spite of it, I have a burning desire to leave. I have a great sense of non-accomplishment that no one understands. I don’t look like a hag but I feel worse than one.

2. My self-esteem is at the lowest. I am great at what I do. Loved by my people. Popular at work with colleagues and partners associated at work. But, I am defined by why the boy didn't love me the way it shd have been. Love of every one else that I get doesn't seem to matter.

3. A very close set of friends with whom I hardly ever share my life. We see each other fall but can’t seem to do a thing to stop it. I am still the problem solver that every one comes to. I am NOT there for them 24/7, emotionally, financially and mentally. I can’t even remember when I last gave some one a gift…a small gesture that made them feel loved by me.

4. I have a lovely car and I don’t even drive. Shame on me.

5. My man grew up to be some one I didn’t expect. There is a lot of love yet enough space that a world has resided between us. The no of people is growing and growing…

6. I am burnt out emotionally. I can feel it in my bones. The burn out is here, it NOW. I am emotionally exhausted ALL the time. I have over worked my emotions to the bone. For months I have had no day off. I am going round the clock all the time and STRANGELY I hardly give that kind of time to work, friends, and family. It’s ALL about the BOY who never was…

7. I am waiting to WAKE UP….

What does one do when you lose your self?! For some one who grew being taught that selfish is a very mean word, to give and give is what we are born for. Today I am spent. I have just reached a half way mark of my life and I am SPENT. I want to reclaim in my life. What can I do to love my self and my life?!!

A Seed for Thought for me to solve my quandary.

Pitter Patter

Its breathtakingly beautiful outside. Its been raining since Friday.

I have a very soothing relationship with the rain. My rendezvous with Rain started in my 5th grade. We had just moved form Jodhpur in Rajasthan to Shimla in Himachal. So right from the dessert and dry dust storms to lush green hills...what a contrast to get used to. I used to cycle to school in Jodhpur. School was a few kilometers away but I loved cycling. It was so liberating to be able to go to school without any supervision. My fathers Sepoy used to follow me with my brother on his cycle, almost every single day I would cycle far ahead and wait for them to catch up once reaching school. He would come home and complain to Dad every single day. Then we moved to the mountain where cycling was certainly not an option. It was packed away and put in some army godown till next posting.

It is here in the massive mountains I had my first experience of torrential rains. It would rain so hard that in spite of being dressed in gumboots and raincoats we used to reach school absolutely drenched. Water would fill up in the boots and we would be running with water in them. Making splotchy sounds. Then on reaching school, the kids would all huddle near the Angethi/fireplace and try to dry up. Wet hair, water in boots and the raincoats piled up in the corner. I can still feel the teacher wringing the water out of my two plaits.

Our school had tin roof. As soon as it would start to rain the sound of the beating rain on the roof would take over and drown the teachers voice. Many times the teachers would stop the class as one couldn't hear a word of what they were saying. I would just trance off. My mind would be wandering outside school. I would imagine me walking over the clouds. Sitting on the top of the rainbow and then I would just jump off...the flight off the rainbow was amazing...I had seen my dad do that so many times...seen him jump of the plane while Parachuting. It felt so easy. So right.

Rain in the hills also always meant that it would be cold and we would sit with hot glasses of chocolate milk around the fire place at home. Chatting nine to a dozen. My brother and I could hear the flying fox settle into her nest right next to our window. The wind would be blowing...some time it would be eerie and at times it would be so magical. Rain had a hypnotic quality to it.

I loved it best when it rained in the night. I always found the sound of the rain on our tin roof so soothing. It was better than any music one had ever heard. Raindrops have this magical quality. I would wake up and listen to it till it lulled me back to sleep. Rain left the earth so clean, washed up and ready to start another day. Next morning we would find a victim who would be standing under a low branch and all of us would jump and pull the branch and the water would fall like rain on the unaware victim.

Every time it rains, I almost always take some time off to connect with it. I need to feel one with it. I need to let it sooth my nerves. I need for the rain to wash away all the garbage. I need the rain to connect with my soul. I need for the rain to hypnotise me and talk to me in the language that only I understand. I need for it to connect me the girl in Shimla...

A few drops of the wet wet rain for the dry dry soul?!!

Raw

I have heard that when a person goes the unfortunate misfortune of amputation, they continue to feel the lost part as if its still there. The part lost was there in their life for so long that the nerves still send the signal to the brain that that the lost part still exists. Its like the body has lost a part but the brain wont let go. Its still sending all the signals that the body part is still there. Then over the period of time pain sets in. The loss of limb is now a stark reality. Its gone. Forever. The body and mind both mourn the loss. Together.

Sometimes dying relations are like that loss of limb. The brain is still sending the right signals to the mind and heart. Its all there. Nothing has changed. Though the shift has taken place. Its happened. But the nerve endings still feel it. The acceptance of loss is not happening. Then slowly pain sets in. The pain is real. It lets you know that you are suffering. You are suffering the loss of emotions. Emotions that have been amputated, cut out of your life.

Amputation of emotions is a sad business. Its sad but happens to the best of us. Some go through it with childhood best friends who outgrow friendships, some go through it with their siblings unfortunately, some go through it at work where they have been too long, some go through it with their lovers where love doesn't actualise, some go through it with their life partners when things have gone so wrong...all in all every one goes through the amputation of emotions, sometimes or many times in this life.

People say emotions are feelings and one cant touch or feel emotions. One doesn't have A body part where Emotions live. It could be heart, it could be mind?!! Its not like you can do a heart surgery and repair a broken heart. Still our emotions exhibit behaviour every bit like they are physical part of our body. The pain of amputated emotions is as real as a body part. The raw nerve endings of the emotions keep sending you signals even after things have ended...

Which part of our body does emotion reside in? Why does sorrow manifest it self physically in tears? Why does Joy get expressed in the form of laughter?!! Why are emotions such a mystery??

A Seed for thought for the emotions amputee

Badly Good

"Bad things happen to Good people"

I have been hearing this a lot in the past few days. Its got me thinkin...is it really true. If it is true that means that there are good people and bad people. Being a very open minded person, I have always lived my life as " I like you" and " I don't like you". Its never been about good or bad. It was always about who you got along with. Looking back I see a lot of my Friends are similar. The women are nearly all alike. They all are Strong women, making a difference in their own way. The stand apart in the crowd. They can hold their own against anyone. These women are a deep vessel of emotions. They feel and emote. They all are special. The men Friends...hmmm. I can't seem to put a single thread through them that I can say ties that one quality together. They all are different as different can be. The only thing common I guess is that if I even need them, they will be there, no matter what or where! Maybe that is that common link. They will be there...

I think judging some one is such a terrible thing. I hate it when I get judged, which is a lot, trust me in the Industry that I work in. We all get judged. That how it works. It the damn judgement of people that get society talkin about "good" or "bad". I grew up with this phase that Anna repeated very often and still does, "One mans food is another mans poison" yep, its true. We can't have the same rules of the game for one and all.

All I know is that people who don't wish harm to the world and are sensitive to the world, are the ones who are called good. They feel the bad that happens to them much more than a person who is not sensitive enough. It doesn't mean that good stuff and bad stuff is not distributed equally amongst us all. Its just the judgement of the situation. I know I am too damn sensitive. I also know that I have never gone out knowingly to harm the world. I have my boundaries, once crossed I guess I am bad. I like to be left in my own space, doin my own thing. It could be office or home. I live in Small Miracle Land and its my rules that rule! That's me. Does that mean that my ability to feel searing pain makes me Good?! Or my inability to fall in line with others makes me Bad?!!

Amazingly for a person who doesn't judge the world. I judge my self too harshly. I am always never too good to me. I am almost always too harsh on me. Well, all that is changing now. I am finding the balance within me. I am striving hard to be good to me. I am reaching out to repair me. I am thinkin " bad things happen to everyone one" and not just me.

Do bad things happen to good people. Think about it people? Does the bad escape bad people, or is that they juss don't feel it as much as others? What really is good or bad?!

A Seed for Thought?!