Wednesday, June 3, 2009
On 30th may 2009 I moved out of my home, that I shared with Nik. We had lived there for 5.5 yrs together. A lot of things happened in that house. Some good and some not so good. But all in all I pretty much lived my married life in that house. It had to end…so it did. Enough of ifs, buts, how, when and why. Too much has been said and analysed. In the end 2 hearts have been broken. 2 lives separated. A living unit divided into 2.
That’s NOT how it’s meant to be ideally…but I didn’t live in an ideal world. My world was full of confusion. The line between right and wrong was very blurry. There were others who lived between us…without me knowing. So things were far from ideal.
I married a lovely man. A best friend that I totally love and adore. He wasn’t ready for marriage, for my strong emotions, my boundaries, for loyalty. We had a very important ingredient missing…compatibility. I wish for him to find a better life and an amazing life partner. He does deserve the best, so what if the best was not I. That makes me no less well…just not best enough for this union.
I moved into my own house. It’s really nice. Its empty. I love the fact that it is empty. I now get to colour the canvas in myriad hues. Don’t get me wrong. I loved every moment of doing up my home with Nik. Everything was shared and bought after discussion. Now I need to be in love with me…just as much as I was in love with Nik and the fact that I was married to him. I need to be in love with the fact that I am me again.
I will not waste time in regret and bitterness. I have no regret because I had his love for a long time. I am not bitter towards him as I know now that he doesn’t know better. I will always feel great love for him. I might not be in love but I will love.
Nik, thank you for giving me those very wonderful years. I enjoyed most of our time together. I have learnt so much from you as I am sure you have too. I send only prayers and blessings your way. I am round the corner from you and you know that. Just fill your life with love and happiness. Open your arms WIDE and let the world reside in there…I have always done that. Today I have so many people standing besides me and behind me. My arms are wide open for more.
I also want to thank Devjani with a million hugs for being my soul sister. Without her I would be very broken today. A big shout out to Chirag, Varun, Charubala and China for helping me pack and shift. A special thanks to the boys of NSG for their support. I also want to thank some very dear friends who were far away but were there with me every second that day and have supported me through it all.
Most of you attended my wedding and I know it is equally tough to see me leave my home. I don’t know what to say. Lets just say that this fauji kid is going on to her next posting. As always the future is unknown but that is what makes life so exciting...i know this posting will be as good as all others have been in my life.
Nik I will miss you but NOT MOURN you… FRIENDS FOREVER!!