Friday, September 11, 2009

Pissed on my Parade

Now I know why millions of couples out there stay in a bad marriage. Its the damn freakin loneliness…it kills you. Trust me. This woman…small miracle did the unheard. She is freakin dumb! The reason I refer to my self as a third person is as currently the only one giving me company is my self.. hence I pretend I am the other person in my life right now. Stupid or desperate...dunno?!

I actually left my marriage. So he was cheating…so so so ??? It seems every one is cheating on the other. Yep, that’s my discovery. I have learnt in the recent past that people just look the other way when they see their spouse cheating on them. They pretend it’s all right. Mostly people my age have at least ONE kid if not two. So the kids are a great excuse. Just stay on with this one person you have known for so long and USE YOUR kids as an excuse. Who can bother to deal with living a life alone!??

So I have no kids…NO DAMN EXCUSE!! Rather than spending time trying to reproduce …and while in the act of reproduction, looking away so as to pretend that he’s NOT cheating…I spent time looking at my feelings. Today all the feelings I have are have are of being dead lonely. I Could have just stayed.

Nik is well read, very well spoken, we loved to travel together, we managed out house very well within our incomes, he has a gorgeous voice that sang to me when he was very very drunk…he is devastatingly good looking…then why the hell could I NOT find it in my self to look the other way???

Why did I decide to be ALONE…. days like last evening just kill me…just my damn fish and me. That’s it. To battle my loneliness, I went running in the rain. Yep, I always enjoy working out my feelings physically. After I ran a few laps of my residential area, I befriended a couple of 7-year-old boys. Can you see what my life is coming to?? One of them to lent me his cycle and then I cycled around the colony for some time till my heart was pounding and I could feel my sweat instead of the cold rain…

Then the very hungry and drenched in rain me, cooked me some spicy chicken. Spicy chicken is to me what an Old Monk is to a fauji at the front. We both have our antidote to loneliness…

Some times days like last evening are difficult to handle. A beautiful romantic rainy day… I HATE THEM for now…coz me and small miracle don’t know how to deal with them….

Well, we all know I would have left eventually...if not now then later. But, it sure does feel great to Vent!!!

Why is it easier to look the other way then to deal with our problems in life, A Seed for Thought?!!

What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?! Eliot


Nitika said...

Im so glad u left him. I did too. Mine wasnt cheating on me (or so I hope) but traumatised me mentally and emotionally enough for me to leave him.

Oh and glad to know you're a faujis daughter. My dads elder brother was the Colonel of the Regiment 10 Paras :)
My dad is from GR

I infact started my life after separating from him. And am happy.


Small Miracle said...

hello Nitika,

thanks for leaving this wonderful note. I didn't think any one was reading my blog apart from a few friends :)

More power to you gurl. A marriage breaking up is a very tough trauma to deal with and one can only understand the depths of the pain when one goes through it.

I just want the pain and confusion to go away. I still stutter when people ask about him...and i hate that!!

Whats ur uncle's name?

take care and hugs back atcha!