Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I am beginning to believe that storybooks are not the best foundations for kids. I grew up to all Prince rescuing Princess situations stories. I don’t know why the Princess could not be bold, bright and self-reliant? Maybe because the stories are 100 yrs old…that generation needed rescuing. Maybe its because if we romance the “Romance” we live in hope that the intense feelings that we feel with the blush of love, will live on forever. Love is nothing but hope, I guess.
Some where over the years I think I tried to fill a gap in my life with giving out too much of me in my friendships and relationships. I never really asked for much in return, just a lot of patience and understanding. I gave away everything I had in return for that patience and understanding. I gave away a piece of my heart every time I got that from anyone.
Today very few pieces are left. People have taken each bit they got and walked away. The optimist in me mourned for a while and then learnt to rally on. I haven’t really mourned any relationship once it is over. It’s the getting over part that I find the most painful and tiresome bit. Once it is done with, I just move on. Always have and always will. That’s my DNA make up…can’t help it. I believe in the fact that our heart re-grows…mine is in the process of growing back into shape.
My father made a very keen observation of me the other day. He told me that I have a hole in my heart that I have tried to fill all my life. He said “Small Miracle, just accept the fact that there is a hole and STOP trying to fill it with lovers, friends, clothes, makeup, shoes, bags…nothing is going to cure this disease. It’s a hole that you have to live with in this life time”. I just stood stunned listing to him on the other end of the phone. Hmmmm…. As always, Daddy is right. But, what about walking into the sunset with that certain someone…what about my fairy tale happy ending?? I want a piece of that sunset too.
That got me to think why do only a couple walk into the sunset?! Sunset means the sun has come down…it’s the end of the day. Since the sun has come up one has toiled alone in the day. Our better half, spouse, lover, partner et al doesn’t do our work neither live the day for us…We get up, dress for the day, seize it with our hands, take the best out of the day, own it and retire for the day.. That’s when the sun sets…after all the work has been done!
So my dear, I Small Miracle will most happily and stylishly walk in to the sunset on my high heels…with my own company to give me pride and honour. I don’t desperately crave the company of another person anymore. Now, please don’t think this is a bitter rambling of a divorcee in making. No my dears this is a deep realisation of a fact that I came alone and will die alone. My soul doesn’t have a partner in its journeys over various life times. It might decide to spend time with various souls, yes…but the soul gets born and decides to move to the next lifetime on its own… ALONE!
Relationships need to enrich us and our souls, if not then the walk alone can do us good to clear our head and I hear walking is certainly good for the heart ; )
Do we live our life so much expecting and hoping for a happy ending that we forget to look what journey we take??? A seed for thought for all those who want to follow the elusive firefly.