Friday, May 8, 2009
For those of you who have been strong enough to go through my dark thoughts of the past few months…a big Thank You. It’s been tough. Very tough. Life changing even. I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past few years…it’s been very tough but then that’s the path I chose, so no regrets at all. Pain yes...Regrets no.
I just wish it were not meant to be like this. I wish I did die in the arms of my soul mate at the end of my lifetime… I wish we had kept those promises that we made at age 20 and reiterated when we got married. I wish we have loved and respected each other far more than we landed up doing. I wish I were not so emotional. I wish I did not feel BOTH Joy and Pain with such intensity. I wish I had not made my world only about him and me…I wish there was a lot of me after 6 pm every day. I wish I had THAT zing in me that would keep my man with me…
Love is such a complicated feeling. Reflecting back all we started with was togetherness. It was just he and I and our world. We didn’t spend a minute apart and that too felt less. Then I left the country and on returning back nothing was ever the same again. I saw the shift then. Over the years I have been told time and again that I only operate with one emotion, that is EGO. Well, I guess my ego did not allow me to accept that things had changed.
I will not sit and sermon on how things should be. I have no clue but I do want to thank you all for being there for me. Today and future is a blur. I know I will make it, now more than ever. Dreams have got shattered. Maybe I will never find another…no children to have as a legacy…a tag to carry for rest of this lifetime. Maybe this was it, the only true love of this lifetime!!?
But, I can’t live a sad, regretful, hateful, painful life coz of the daunting “Maybe” that hang about the corners of my life.
The biggest fear to have battled is of being Lonely. I fear it…coming home to nothing and no one. Past 6 years have been in each other’s company. Gently shaking him up when he has those nightmares every few days. Waking up every single morning to his warm hugs. Waiting for him every evening to come home. Who will reach out to the top shelf? How will I deal with being stuck in a room with a Lizard?! What about that books that he reads and recommends to me. Will I not get to pull him in the nook of my neck every morning and make him rest there for a few minutes before he gets out of bed? Those many many trips together around the world. All my sari blouses have buttons in the back… Who will button those blouses? Will I now never wear a sari?! What about that mangalsutra?? No more Sindoor on the forehead at festivals?? What about the wedding band that I gave him inscribed with "Soulmates Forever"...
What happened to the Fire God who presided over my wedding ceremony? Wasn’t he supposed to purify that moment and our union?! What about those hundred people who sat around us while we were being joined in the holy matrimony, did they not bless us?! Are those blessings not worth any thing?!
He and I were Silent but not alone, over the past few years. We were there around each other…maybe not with each other ...but most certainly around. Then where did this earthquake come from?! How did my Home become the epicentre of this earthquake?
I have no seed for thought as I feel very mindless...numb!