Friday, August 7, 2009
I was doing my tarot cards last weekend. It’s very rare that I do my own tarot cards. I was deeply in despair and couldn't’t seem to find solace in anything or anyone. At time I guess we become our own enemies by thinking too damn much. Any way my cards urged me to seek and understand the relationship I share with my mother and all will be revealed then. It told me that the very first relationship any being forms is with the mother…and that very relationship holds the meaning of the subsequent relationships that we form…
Anna is an introvert herself. She has no close friends. The only people who matter are her mother, brother, my dad, A and me. She lost her dad at a very young age. At an age where was still a hero to her. She hadn’t grown old enough to see him as human…to her he will always be a hero. Hence her expectation from both my brother and dad are unreal. Her best friend was her younger brother who is no more. She has always expected the world from them…like it or not.
At a very young age I realised that Anna was incapable of forming relationships with women. It could be her mother, sister or me. She has certain aloofness after a point.
I was on my own. Making my plaits for school every morning. From my 8th grade onwards I have bought my own clothes with minimal supervision from my mum. The first time I had to tie a sari my mother and I had an argument…finally I had to ask my masi to come over and help me tie the saree. It was for teacher’s day. When I got my first period I went into a shock as my mother hadn’t warned me that now every month I shall have to go through this till menopause! I though I was dying as I had played too much of hockey!! Unlike most Indian girls, I bought my wedding outfit on my own and my mother only saw it a few days before as they were living abroad.
I grew up totally opposite to her. My house was filled with my friends from my 5th grade onwards. I still remember my parents had decided not to have a birthday party for me. We were in Jodhpur and I went and invited all 3 sections for my Bday party. What madness it was for my mum to arrange a party as the kids started rolling in!!
The only deep and meaningful relationships I have made in my life are with women. I have a sisterhood of friends from school, college and work who are like a lifeline. They take me for the madness that I am. It seems that I want THAT unconditional love and togetherness.
At 17 I left home to go to hostel and only got more and more independent. One would have though that it should have made me aloof but TODAY I realise I have only tired to fill my life with people and emotions.
I loved being with D coz her life was full of cousins and like me she has a lot of friends. With her I led that life I wanted to lead while growing up. Her house till today is full of relatives, kids, cousins, friends and neighbours…. She is such a super relationship maker and keeper. I guess she has mothered me.
I don’t know how but I grew up to fall in love with an Introvert. Not only is nik an introvert but also just like my mother, he has no great affection for family and friends. Today he and I both realise that most of the people who were there in his life were my friends.
It hit me like a thunderbolt after agonising about why the tarots asked me to analyse my relationship with my mother. I can’t believe it but it took me nearly 13 years to realise that Nik is so much like her in many many ways.
I for some reason got attracted to a man who was totally opposite of me and totally like Anna. Hmmm.. I don’t know where this realisation will take me….and I don’t know the seed for thought for this post. Maybe its just mindless rambling...