Friday, May 15, 2009
Stripped and bare
Last evening I striped bare. My body and mind has been layered over the years with thoughts, mindsets, ideas, obligations, triumphs, disasters, pain, numbness, joy, tears…layers and layers of all of this that and more.
Amazingly I stand twice in the day in front of the mirror. Once in the morning while getting dressed to work. I am almost always running late for work hence it’s just a glance to see if all is fine. Then once in the evening right before I hit the bed to rid my face and body of all the muck and stuff of the day. I am so tired by then that one barely even notice how one looks or feels.
This ritual has been going of for 2 decades at least. Not one day have I taken time off to actually see my self? How do I look?!! I don’t think I know how my body or face looks in detail. Since when have I been so preoccupied with my mind and the goings on in the head, the master carrier of my soul got totally sidelined. The body just went unnoticed.
I know of women who spend hours in front of the mirror. Taking care of their face and body. They love who they are and have always admired their looks. While I just cruzed along my life, devoid of the urge to look at my self. Yes I LOVE dressing up …clothes and shoes are my passion. But the amazing thing is that they cover your body…to sit and choose what you will wear doesn’t require a mirror. You just reach into your cupboard and that’s it.
For the first time I stripped down bare and gathered enough courage to look at my self. Not only did I see my self in my skin I also I saw layers of auras around me. My shoulders were slumped over with years worth of nonsense. I was born free in this same skin. I was told I was a really happy go lucky child who smiled a lot. Today my skin-felt heavy…so much of residue…. although the body looked pretty darn perfect…it felt like a loser.
I sat down and cried and cried. So much of tears that even I was shocked!! In the process I lost one of my contact lens and didn’t even realise it. I wept for what I had done to my body and soul. I wept for I had stopped loving me. I wept for I had ignored my self. My body went unnoticed by me for years. I just didn’t care. Why had I done this to me??
The only thing that would calm me was the sharp droplets of water. Just standing under the shower, my tears mingling with the water, I felt slowly the layers of thoughts, mindsets, ideas, obligations, triumphs, disasters, pain, numbness, joy, tears…all washing away. Last night after a long time, I slept peacefully, even though the pillow was not my own.
I am going to turn this around. This will be the rising of Small Miracle. From this dirty pool of water this fish will emerge. Once more I will frolic in the sea of love, compassion, honesty, loyalty, forgiveness, friendship. The white light is I.
This mind will be unloaded for a while for no seeds of thoughts are necessary at this moment.