Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Love that lost its Lustre

Anyone who knows me...knows that I am Daddy's gal. He has been my role model since childhood. I loved everything that he stood for. He was fearless, impulsive, independent, gutsy, charming, honest, straightforward, un bias, well spoken and very well read. There is no topic under the sun that one can't discuss with my dad. In short he is amazing. I didn't really grow with a female role model. My mother had a close relationship with my brother and that surprisingly was OK with me, it really didn't matter. You see I had inherited my fathers independent spirit, hence I really couldn't deal with too many emotions that came with motherhood

Having said that, in the end of my teenage years I did get a very strong influence of women. Some of them over the years have become part of my sisterhood, some were great pals and remain so. I did also manage to get some mother figures. I was my best friends mother and the other was my boyfriend (now husbands) mother. These women were fun and exciting. Like my best friends mother loved dressing us, telling us wot to wear, which shampoo to use, which boyfriend should stick and which should go. She was good looking, vibrant, full of life and most importantly, she played fair. I liked that about her a LOT. It agreed with my sense of justice that I was born with.

My boyfriends mother had the same qualities. She was very fair and just. I really liked how she handled different relationships within the family. I also admired how she seemed to play fair between me and her very dominant and complicated daughter.

Apart from Anna, my mother, both these women also really influenced me through my 20's. I had my father who always brought that sense of balance in my life. He would push to me my limits and surprisingly I came out unscathed and right on top. For him I guess I was one of the two boys he had.

Now in my early 30's I realise so much has changed. I look at both the women and can't recognise them. They have shed the veil that so thinly covered the real side. I see them for what they are. Its not pretty. Its not pretty to see my best friends mother so harshly reject the love of her life and chose one for her instead, lead her life for her, constantly remind her of her faults, play with her self esteem...she pretty much drove this young vibrant girl to have a nervous breakdown. I look at her and wonder what really happened to that wonderful woman and mother I admired. The other one is constantly lying and manipulating. I see that her daughter is who she is because the mother has made her so. What happened to this lady who gave such a wonderful son to me as my life partner? Sadly today I can't find a shred of honesty in our relationship or any other relationship she has with people in the family. What happened to this woman who I thought was so perfect??

I think motherhood happened to them. Motherhood as not about selfless love. Its much more complicated than I had ever imagined it to be. I can see its so easy for my father to play his role...but mothers struggle like crazy. The selfless love they give to their kids in their 20's, they ask for their pound of flesh back in their 50's. Has life jaded them and beaten them into submission??!! Are we seeing our future in them? Is this how we will end up...bitter and angry with the world?! Resentful that the children have a life of their own?

Is that why motherhood eludes me, for now I see it without its beautiful veil? Seed for thought I say!


I Wear It Like A Tattoo said...

U really are the Indian Carrie Bradshaw!!!!

This is that said...

Love this post. It's honest and to the point. Motherhood is hard and the one constant you cant claim to be just a phase. And all this thinking is so good. You kick ass.

small miracle said...

I am so GLAD you think so. I really thought I might be getting a BIT too angst(y)!

Thanks for being the one ROCK solid member of my sisterhood : )