Cheated Emotions

Sometimes its important that we pretend its all right. I know its sounds so wrong. Aren't we supposed to be who we are? This statement goes against the modern belief of being in the moment and expressing what we feel. I would even say something like this...be a lie??

This is what I do. I pretend on bad days that I will be fine. I pretend that the loneliness is not unbearable and soon I am less lonely. As I am not thinking of it constantly, its not a thought in my mind. The more I pretend to be OK...the better I get.

I realise it now that the more I give into my FEELING...more lost I get. Suddenly I find my self in a maze of emotions and can't seem to find my way out at all. Before you know it I am engulfed in my FEELINGS so damn much that I forget every one else's feelings. Its like you are sucked deep inside your head and heart...the more you think about the more you slip deeper and deeper in filth of slimy emotions...all negative thoughts start caving into me. Soon I can't breathe, the only escape is tears...streams of tears that I can't stop.

Then my logical mind is battling with my absolutely illogical emotions. The battles rages on and on...and like like any battle field once its over...all you see are debris of OTHER peoples emotions along with mine. Clearly in the battle other people's emotions have got slayed. The more people try to help the worse they get hurt...

So I say pretend. At least that ways you are only cleaning up the mess of your emotions and not other peoples who matter to you.

As a wise person once said "Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.”

When your emotions mess with you, one should mess back by pretending its not happening. Take the power away from the damn emotions, confuse them, trick them. A Seed for a Thought for the ones who get led by the damn emotions like me.

Old

How will I be when I grow old?

Will I stoop when I will walk
Will my eyes still twinkle

Will I be jaded 
Will I still believe

Will I be happy 
Will I just fade

Will I enjoy all things new 
Will I just retreat

How will I be when I grow Old?

Will I be bitter for things that could not be
Will be thankful for the life I have lived

Will I be joyful
Will I be regretful

Will I make tea and enjoy it peacefully
Will I think I have no company

Will I be content with the way things turned out for me
Will I think God, you did not do this for me?

Will I have friends who will share a smile frequently
Will I think now no one has time left for me

Will I be inspiring in Old age
Will I think its just not worth my time

Will I live happily in my cottage by the sea
Will be stuck in the ocean in the city

Will I be thankful that I have lived a full life
Will I think life passed me by quickly

Will I meet death and say how quickly you came by
Will I wait for it to come and get me

How will I be when I grow Old?

Answers

If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you. Eliot 

In the past few days I have been bombarded with questions, loads of personal questions that I may never have any answers to. I am going to reflect on 2 of them.

While in Pune I bumped into a ex batch mate. We go back 15 years or more. She was dating a very dear friend of mine who she later went on to marry. They have had a very messy divorce after nearly a decade of marriage. She had heard about me through grapevine and was very curious as expected. Needless to say I thoroughly disappointed her with no drama or bitter rantings. Next day she sent me a long mail on Facebook with all the things my friend had done to her. At first I thought I will ignore it but realized it was just a way for a woman who is angry with destiny, just as I was not very long back. She needed to vent. So I let her. What followed was a few days of furious mails filling my in-box. All I could tell her was move on and let him go...from your heart and soul. She asked me again and again as to why I did not fight for an alimony and let him go easy. Hmmm...let him go easy.

I though a lot about that statement. "Let him go easy". Well, I let him in my life easy...I didn't fight him. Rather I invited him into my life with open arms...so when the time had come for him to leave my life why would I think that let him not go easy. So I would have fought for an alimony and made him feel miserable for what he had done to our relationship. I would make him feel all important in the beginning of every month that I STILL need the man...like hell I would. We both were batch mates at our MBA class. Am I going to make him believe that I need his money as I can't do better than him. No people...Small Miracle is slogging as we speak. I am so going to leave him way behind in this race that he is of no consequence to me.

I don't know what is right or wrong way to do this..but I do know that I will do it my way. Not the way the society expects me to. I believe there is a GOD and I am not going to do his job. I can't be wasting my time trying to bring nik to justice when I can spend that time rebuilding my life. What he did was wrong...very wrong, and yes he will pay like all of us will for our wrong doings. It just wont be me bringing him to justice, I leave that to my very efficient god. At his own time...

 A few days back I met another friend. A very concerned mature male friend. His question to me was "what if this one is a cheater too". Well, that got me thinking...yes, what if this one is a cheater too. I will never know now, will I? My friend might be right, he says that I didn't know I was being cheated on for years, living under the same roof. How will I ever know now??

No I will never know, I am very dumb like that. I take people for who they make me believe they are. Especially in the matters of the heart. NO I MIGHT NEVER KNOW. But what I do know is that now onwards I will not be spending years of my life putting wrong to right. Been there, done that and Failed miserably! If ain't working, don't try to fix it beyond a point and always remember the directions to the door :)

I live in hope that there are good, decent, honest, loving men out there...I hope to remain a person who is hopeful.

Why is it so difficult to let go of people who hurt us so damn much and yet find it difficult to trust the ones who show us love?? A Seed for thought my dear friends...

Circles in the Air

When I got all the Answers, my Questions had changed. Circles in the Air…Round and Round.


Life does come full circle, doesn’t it? One fine day you complete a karmic, emotional, physical and spiritual journey. What you are left with is the realization that the circle is complete…

I went back to Pune after a few years. This is where I did my MBA and met nik. We started dating and went of on spend 2 years absolutely inseparable. I was so unsure if I wanted to go back there…what if everything came rushing back to me?? I have worked too damn hard to restart my life and I didn’t want to allow my self to be in that emotional place again.

Well, I had a choice, either I sit paralyzed in fear of what if or take that much needed break that I so deserved and go meet my beau. Have you noticed how my life is FULL of these strange situations? Well, after days of dilly dallying I decided to go meet my fears at Pune.

Lets just say from the moment I landed, in apprehension, I was just swept away with positivity and exuberance. I got picked up at the airport and had a really mad fun ride in an Auto. Hadn’t done that in the longest time. Rather than meeting fear I actually met my youth. It was waiting for me…I guess for years. Hoping one day I will come back and visit. Back to River view at Koregaon Park...waiting in a Que to enter a club after years. It all felt just right.

I had such a joyful stay…went all over. All I had was great memories of Tiks, R, my mad surd gang at Koregaon Park and Birds Nest. My brother got married in Pune. I first learnt to drive my kinetic here…first time got smashed drunk here…so many firsts.

R do you remember how mad we were? Like nothing could touch us....from buying ciggies from the railway station to dragging my kiney in the night outside the colony to drive down to Koregaon. No one could rule us. We were the keepers of our precious life.

Eerily I got a call from nik when I was there and I am happy to report that I didn’t think twice before not taking his call. Nor did I dwell on it….it like I was being tested by destiny and I didn't crumble as expected.

Pune has changed for the better…and I guess so have I. There I was hoping to get some answers to a broken past, just to realize that nothing is physical …its just circles in the air…those fade away in time. I was happy to have gone to be with someone who matter and to whom I matter. Another circle in the air!

The more we try to circle our life into a set universe pattern...the more circles in the air we make…Seed for Thought for those who like me have spent years bringing order in my mythical universe. Loosen Up. Live for today!

Unwind

She: (on the phone)I have had such a tiring day at work. Bad terrible day.


He: Listen just relax. Be positive. This too shall pass

She: There is nothing to this day that I can turn positive. My life is a mess.

He: Try living.You give up very fast in life

She: I am tired of life at times. It’s such a grind. Can this slog not ever end?

He: Why do you have to be so negative? Relax baby, be happy to be alive

She : You won’t get it. Life is so complicated. Some days are just an emotional and physical drain. Can't wait to get out of office

He: I wont get it?? Do I not live on the same planet

She: Ok forget this…let me come home and make some nice spicy chicken and unwind over dinner

He: Ok that sounds good. But, you do know that I don’t like spicy food

She: Ok Ok what ever makes you happy. I just want to come home to you. Don't go back tonight...stay for dinner.

He: See you soon baby!


Evening a very tired She rings the door bell.


He: Don’t open your eyes. I mean walk in but keep your eyes closed. What the heck let me close your eyes and walk you in? No peeking!!

She: (hearts thumping)What’s happening?? I can hear lovely music. What’s the surprise?? This is too exciting!

He: (Sits her down on a couch). Have you ever sat here before?

She: (whispers) no actually no one has. Its been a piece of new furniture..not yet a part of my new home.

He: Why are you looking so shocked my dear? You can blink you know!

She: (her eyes are darting about the room) God! You have taken out all the candles and lit them. My favorite wine is out of the rack and wait..my wine glasses too!!

He: Now sit back on your new couch, sip on your favorite red wine in your favorite glass...thats how you do things when you have people over...right?

She: But, I mean, how…Gosh! I am stuttering aren’t I??

He: (an hour and a wine bottle later, running his fingers through her hair) How are your nerves now?

She: I can’t believe you actually entered the kitchen and made spicy chicken….you don’t even eat spicy food and yet you ate every last bit with me…I think the wine has gone to my head!

He: I don’t know about the wine but you have come into my heart. I see you battle it out every day…I even urge you to the battle. Love remember one thing, while life is making you stronger and I am making you softer..

She: (Looking into his eyes) You make so much sense, always! Every day I am hardened yet I grow softer in my heart. Only you and I can understand this. This was the most perfect day…you are adored!

100!

100th post…wow! I didn’t think that I would ever write and for that matter if any one would even bother commenting/reading/debating. It’s been such a crazy experience, this Blogging. I made 2 friends who are bloggers and now we have crossed over from cyber space to the real world. Agent Green Grass and Sepulcher…thank you for reading and extending your friendship.


The biggest thank you, to R and Tattoo Boy for encouraging me. Although I was already blogging since 2007 but sometime in 2008 R called me said..Listen small miracle why don’t you try your hand at writing. There is so much you have to get out of your system. There in started my catharsis on the cyber world…where I could be anonymous yet express and vent. So much has happened since 2007 till now. It feels like I have lived a life time.

Looking back I can’t believe not only did I walk through fire…I also survived and now I am thriving…who would have thought. I want to also express my joy to my new DUDE beau ( he is not very happy being referred to as "gorgeous"...too feminine fer him he says). I appreciate all his "think happy thoughts and write positive" feedback on my blog...

Just like that one day it’s the 100th post. Just like that life happens to you…through it all just try to remember that, There is only one you for ALL TIME. Fearlessly be your self.

A Roman Philosopher once said “Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.” I have experienced it all..have you??

A Seed for Thought for the ones who don’t marvel the wonderment called time.

Lardy Hell!!

1. New Home – tick


2. New Job – tick

3. New Romance – tick

4. New Life - tick

5. New physical fitness regimen - why the hell can’t I get to tick this box!

After much procrastination, the last bit of getting my life in order has been set in motion. My office has moved just 10 minutes away…and I nearly cross my gym everyday. But I just can’t get myself to get into the gym. It’s like I come under a spell and drive right past it. I can’t feel a thing. Nothing. No remorse of spending hundred of rupees at the gym at my annual membership. What is wrong with me?? After years of being physically fit and avid gym-er it’s literally something I can’t get my self to do.


Then I go on this beautiful holiday to the hills. River rafting with my new beau (did I mention I have one and he’s gorgeous!) and all the fun was had. I come back and excitedly go through the pictures. Halfway through I give out this blood curdling scream…a shriek that scared me too. What do I see here now…I mean this is just not possible…could it be true.. I mean IT IS true but this can’t be happening to me. I see this picture of mine with a paunch…People it’s “I am preggers with your baby” paunch!!

Bloody hell…I had the most in-shape body with a creep who cheated on me… what a freakin waste! Now how am I ever supposed to get to the next level with the gorgeous one??! That kinda woke me out of my long slumber of fitness. I had been so busy repairing my life that I had totally forgotten that stress has begun to show on me right there…at my mid section, swollen face, big hips. I can’t seem to even fit into my favorite Victoria Secrets!!!

So a few days back I pulled my self to the gym…for the love of self and the gorgeous one. I must, I must, I must reduce this paunch!!! It’s been such a painful experience of walking, jogging, kick boxing, stretching….I can go on. I know its going to taking sweating it out for hours, days, weeks and months. Just when the mental test got over, the physical one began. Lardy hell!!

While I run to put my body back in order, the man who got me to this super stressed place has just acquired himself a BMW!! Is there any thing left to see in life I wonder?? Where the fuck is my SMALL MIRACLE!!!! God I don't ask for a fancy alimony,  a flatter stomach and size 8 will do for now!!!!

“Why do bad things happen to good people?” Coz it’s a bet between God and Satan to see if the good one will go over to the dark side….and scratch cheaters BMW with a wide blade! A Seed for Thought!

fireflies- Owl City

haven't been able to get this song out of my head...love it..Put up the volume and enjoyyyyyyy!!!

Sringhaar

Today was one of those days when it is burning hot outside and all the cars decided to pile up at every damn street crossing. I took forever to get to my new work place (3rd day at work!). So like many other people I was busy getting grumpy behind the wheel when I heard a knock on my car window. With a big fat frown I turned towards this really cute beggar girl. She wanted a rupee and I wasn’t in the mood to give out any alms, after all I was really grumpy you know!


Then I noticed very pretty gold earrings she was wearing (yeps gold!!) and signaled to her that they are very pretty. She gave me a BIG smile and blushed a little even. Then she with a big grin showed me her glass bangles to which I signaled great stuff. The she open her palms and showed me a henna design. I smiled and showed her my ring and at that point the signal changed to green. While I was just taking off she ran next to my window and showed me her silver nail paint! I blew her a kiss.

What and extra ordinary way to start the day. Especially in middle of so much of chaos and grumpy faces in every car. Made me smile. This exchange also led me to think that end of the day a girl is a girl. We all like to dress up, wear jewellery, bangles, and paint our nails. Here is a beggar girl with all the essential “Sringhaar” of an Indian woman. If only she had got her hair done… I don’t think she would have been any different from the girls driving their cars to work.

“Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.” A Seed for Thought for those who take beauty of life for granted?!

Happy

Change the way you feel inside and you will attract a totally different kind of persona in your life

Well, I couldn't agree more. So much has changed inside me. So much of turmoil in my life has led to a much more calmer, stronger, loving me. What amazes me is how am I finding the ability to feel so much of love and friendship inside me?? Where is it coming from?! I am the jilted lover and spouse (ex spouse to be precise...the legal papers are through!) then how do I find my heart brimming over with sooooo much of white light and affection?

I have learnt that the change is within..if we are able to grasp that, we are able to steer our life into a direction that is right for our soul. I am just so thankful to all the people in my life who have stood by me though my pain,confusion and turmoil. I am thankful to Roohie for having me over at her place the day my papers came though...on my Birthday that too. Rebirth.

The change within has made me love the ones who deserve my love. I seem to also have attracted a lot of fun loving people. They surround me with joy and laughter. We all get together and have absolute mad conversations over fancy glasses of red wine, spicy chicken and smokes. Things I haven't done in the longest time!

I am now sure that the change came about as the biggest change happened within me. We are own best friends or worst enemies, A Seed for thought for those us who depend on others for love n hate.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection."

Buddha