Sorry

Have you ever thought about how the word Sorry originated? Some one out there sat and said OK there will be one word in the English language that will make all wrongs, right. So you can say, do or behave any which way and by just saying “Sorry” all peace will be restored.

I for one was drilled in with “Sorry” and “Thank You” during my formative years. If you did something wrong you said sorry, like it or not. If some one did something for you said “Thank You”. SIMPLE! If A n I didn’t comply we were reprimanded. These are things that we clearly did not compromise on. Today my Sorry’s and Thank you’s come very easily.

I bump into someone unintentionally in the Mall I will say sorry and every morning while stepping out of the lift I will say thank you to the liftman. That’s just the way it is. I don’t even think I give it a second thought. It’s a habit, second nature. But the point is, does it really make a difference to anyone?

Lets not confuse my good manners for weakness. Lets not think that if I say sorry I am being weak or stupid. I know for a lot of people it might not be an easy word to say. It might be considered a weak word. A word, which signifies defeat. To me it’s a word that restores peace.

The point being does it really restore peace?? Isn’t it a meaningless word because by saying nor do you feel better and nor does the person you have hurt feel any different. If you boss sacks you and then says sorry, what’s the point, right?!!

Once an action takes place it leads to a reaction, that reaction could lead for you to feel certain emotions. Those emotions will form thoughts and those thoughts will prompt words out of you mouth. Once those words are out then there is no stopping of the reaction to them. How much saying I didn't mean what I said, I am sorry, doesn't help. You said what you felt at that point. No one should feel sorry for expressing what they feel, but we do. Once the words are out they are and meant to be said. No amount of Sorry can turn the clock around…Sorry is then just a VERY SORRY WORD.

Are words like Sorry redundant when you are really hurt or when you hurt someone, A Seed for Thought for you my friends.

5 years forecast

Yesterday I got asked a very stupid question. It is so stupid that I actually refused to answer it. A chance meeting with a friend had kinda turned into an interview of sorts. He wanted to offer me a job and next thing I know his colleague started an "unofficial interview". As a management student I am pretty aware of what kinds of questions might get asked and a few years back I might has even answered this dumb question with great sincerity. Yesterday, it was a different story.

After asking me a series of very intelligent questions making me believe that she has pretty good "questioning" skills. This lady went ahead and closed the session with a very dumb question. Do people really ask "Where will you be 5 years from now???” I mean I got asked that a decade back when I went looking for my first job. Is it still relevant today in a time when a second goes past faster than a nano second?

Where will I be 5 years from now...hmmm...let’s roll back 5 years from now and ask this question to me. So this question is being asked of me in 2005 and I am looking at 2010 while answering. OK..Here goes. 

1. I will most certainly not be working at VA. C'mon who spends 9 yrs with a company??
2. I might be on a sabbatical from work as I will be a mother of two (at least)
3. Facebook..Twitter, are you joking?! I wouldn't be telling the world what I am doing at any given time. That is invasion of privacy!
4. I have no clue how to keep fish...let alone have 2 pond
5. Blogging? Are you crazy? I have nothing to say and no one has time to read my crap
   
6. Nah! Why bother with driving when you can have a driver
7. Not tell the person who is kinda interviewing me that this is such a stupid question that I am not going to answer it!

I can go on and on...but I am sure you get the point. Why on heavens name do people ask such a stupid question??! Well, I know for sure 5 year back I wouldn’t have asked anyone to bugger off when they asked stupid questions like this. But in 2010 I did. I actually told her its so damn irrelevant that I don't think I will answer it. Will I get the job...well let me look into my crystal ball, 5 years from now : )

Why are management graduates still stuck in fuddy duddy questions of the past about the future? 

A Seed for Thought for the ones who are supposedly making a difference to our economy with forward thinking.

Generals Daughter

Last night I attended a very special party. 9 Para Commandos got the Presidents citation for being the best fauji unit last yr. It was for their bravery during insurgency in Kashmir. Why was it special to me…well, my father commanded the regiment way back during IPKF.

Evenings like yesterday reminding me the importance of my heritage…my heritage of being born into an Armed Forces Family. Most of the officers present there are posted in the most hostile environments. If it weren’t mentioned, you wouldn’t know. These men are joyful and hopeful. I didn’t hear a single person moan about his job or life. Army men are such positive souls.

I am so thankful to have got this upbringing. Not a day when my father gave A and me more than we deserved or needed (needs never end…do they?). We traveled through the country in all kinds of transportation…but they journeys were always fun. With packed food and water campers, we just marched along.

My father is a big role model to the young army men. Last evening there was not one person who didn’t walk up to me and say how much they loved and respected my dad. Not one wife who didn’t ay how much her husband looked up to the General. My father…THE General. He was the Colonel of the Regiment in his last 3 years of his service. He was one of the very few Lt Gen who Para jumped down with his men at the age of 60, during the Para regiment-raising day.

The General has been my only role model. Although his father was an army man as well, my father has taught how to have a flawless career in the civil world. I don’t have a mentor in the corporate world. Yet at the age of 26 I was heading one of the most respected brands in the world. It can only be due to the great advice that my father gave me during very rough days.

If I ever came home cribbing about work or my boss, all he said to me simply was “ If you find all this too tough then why don’t you just get married and raise a family?” Baas that was it, next day I would be back at work telling my self “ I love what I do, then why am I cribbing”. My father taught me the importance of loving what you do.

Last night I was so proud to be The Generals Daughter…Not just any General…My father …my hero!

I salute you dad for if I am even half of what you have been in your career, I would consider my career a HUGE success. If I have inspired even quarter of the people that you have inspired in your life time then I am happy to be me.

I also salute you General for teaching me the importance of work. For every scream and every kick you sent my way, for today I am able to restart my life from scratch with great dignity. I could only do that for I have my work to support me financially and emotionally.

I salute you dear father for supporting a BRAT like me, even when the world thought otherwise.

Any man can be a Father. It takes someone special to be a Dad. A Seed for Thought?!

My Hero- Debbie Hinton Young

As I ponder the love that I saw in his eyes,

A Godly love, given without compromise....

I recall many times that he stood by my side,

And prodded me on with great vigor and pride.

His voice ever confident, firm and yet fair,

Always speaking with patience, tenderness and care.

The power and might of his hands was so sure,

I knew there was nothing we couldn't endure.

It's true, a few others provided insight,

Yet, he laid the foundation that kept me upright.

He's the grandest of men to have lived on this earth,

Although he's not royal by stature or birth.

He's a man of great dignity, honor and strength.

His merits are noble, and of admirable length.

He's far greater than all other men that I know,

He's my Dad, he's my Mentor, my Friend and Hero!

Pampered Silly

Have you ever been pampered silly??!! Like so pampered that you are scared that your happiness might just get jinxed. 2009 ended with such amazing pampering that I at one point was scared that it’s too good. Its gonna get jinxed and I am going to land up with egg on my face.

Wow, such pessimism that I was a bit upset with myself. What happens to us when we grow up? When we are born, we land in lap of luxurious pampering. Every cry for food is met by immediate attention of our mother. Every movement monitored with love and concern of our parents. We are showered with gifts by one and all. Gifts that we have no memories of. The first couple of years we are pampered silly by one and all…coochie cooed, hugged and snuggled endlessly. Pampering is all we know.

The irony of it all, from being the first born grandchild and the most pampered daughter, today I am actually feeling scared that I am being pampered. Makes me smile at wonderment called life. All I know is that I have not been treated so tenderly and affectionately in the longest time.

I went on a life altering road trip to the hills. This time is was a new destination, McLeod Ganj, a suburb of Dhramshala nestled in the Kangra district of Himachal Pradesh. I have travelled far and wide in India and it was a surprise to a lot of people that I had never seen Dharamshala. I guess all in good time.

From checking out graves at 'St John in the wilderness' to eating orgasm-inspiring Momos, it was unpredictable and spontaneous. We smoked up, drank wine, walked about in the night in pitch-dark hills. Did a daylong trek that was as breath taking as it left me breathless! Ha…this is what holidays are meant to be.


Closed temples were opened in middle of the night; even gods were smiling at the naughtiness of pestering the priest to open the temple way past Gods bedtime! Medicines were miraculously produced in pitch-dark roads. M actually had the gum shun of handing over the wheel of the car to me at 2 am in the foothills of the grand Himalayas. Errr…me…I just started to drive 3 months back. Then next thing you know I am driving through a pitch-dark jungle speeding at the curves and giving my Co passengers a fright of their lives! The only other witness to this madness was the full Moon.. Ahhh…. The moon has been a silent witness for the past year. The moon that had prodded me to endure the darkness, stood witness to my immense joy that week.

My heart had been thirsting a waterfall for a long time. We spoke about it often, and there I was standing next to one with such happy joyful people. In the winter it was far from inviting yet two mad boys jumped in…brrr…this has got to be insanity. Cut to me in a village in Punjab chewing on sweet barley and pulling out turnips from the fields with 2 tiny tot kids. They knew so much more than I could ever imagine about pulling out vegetables from the ground. Sitting on a charpoy with a grand old man drinking very milky and very sweet tea…my soul was growing every second.

The best part of my holiday was the way chapter was closed for 2009. I sat in deep meditation with that one person who knows be better than I sometimes give credit for. That one person who has pampered my soul. For the first time in my life, I brought in a New Year in total silence, peace and gratitude.

Can you think of a better way to ring in 2010..I can’t??

On growing up, why do we feel guilty when we get pampered, while as a child it was our birth right, A Seed for Thought?

Heart n Soul

I know I have been far away from the written word for a long while now. So much has happened in 2009, its un-freaking believable! I needed to get away.


So I did just that…went into hibernation from the world I knew and grew me a new Heart and Soul. A large, soft, adrenalin pumping Heart. A Soul that can cover the universe and more. Winter of my life is over. Unlike animals that hibernate who feed on their body, I fed on my heart n soul for a long while….NOW I am out for a FEAST OF LIFE. Boy, am I hungry for that juicy yummy bite of life and that soul quenching tall glass of lemonade!


Thank you Sweet Lord for throwing me the Sour Lemons. You kept throwing them and I kept collecting till we both were exhausted. My soul was numb and I could feel nothing. Then I crawled into a corner and made such awesome Lemonade. This Lemonade had my broken heart and lifeless soul. And with the first sip of that ghastly lemonade I felt the first stirring a new heart…yes I could feel faint heartbeats. How is that possible? I thought my heart was broken and gone…no wait, I can hear it getting stronger…and by the next glass I could feel the LOUD thuds resonating through my Soul. Wait…did I say soul…the same torn, rotten soul that could feel no more. What are you saying??? With the third glass my soul was growing…it grew and grew. Suddenly I could hear the LOUD thuds of my heartbeat and feel the GLOW of my soul. One fine day I came alive again.


Small Miracle is Back!! Wish you all an amazing 2010!!


Love what you have and live in the moment, a lesson I so painfully learnt through the raw winter of my life. We don’t know what our future holds but we KNOW what we can do with our NOW.

A Seed for Thought for the ones like me who only knew to live in the past.

Notes

Notes to my self.

I am building my life back and some times to build anything crucial you have to have a note pad next to you..jot down stuff that is crucial "I need to remember list for life". Very important points that one should not let slip through the cracks.

1. Prayer is an act of talking to God and meditation is an act of listening. I need to talk to my self..and listen to the universe...every day in fact. So Meditate..listen.
2. Never give myself a chance to fall apart...ever again. Once you do that, it becomes a bad bad habit. Soon you are coming apart the seams at any given instance. Stop the act..NOW
3. Soul mates come into your life to tear down the wall and expose your self to you. Its important in life to stand naked in front of a mirror and see your self for who you are. Living with that forever could be painful..so you have got to let them go when the time comes.. LET GO!!
4. If I can't love my self then what chance in hell is there for any one else to love me?? Time I started romancing me. Love myself..take care of myself. Pamper my self. Turn the love inward. Fall in love with my self...again
   
5. What is good for me is good for me. I know it better than anyone else. Time I stop fighting the good just because some fuddy duddy social rule doesn't apply to the path of my happiness. Hold on to happiness with all your might...molly coddle the life outta happiness. Love it so damn much that it NEVER wants to leave your life...EVER! Happiness is my slave NOT my master
   
6. NOT let the word "Divorcee" define me. Can I please just redefine it for others. Can I allow my self to be the coolest, happiest, funnest (not to be mistaken for funniest) Divorcee out there?? Since when have I towed the line in this lifetime that I now I fall into the steriotype so obediently??
7. Not allow hate to seep into my system. Hate is a sneaky bastard that creeps up quietly and before you know it, its all over you like a bad FUGLY fungus. Don't ever get caught nappin by hate...let Forgiveness be the dude bouncer of my life that doesnt allow hate to enter.
8. Bring back that bitch of an ambition back in your life. You had fun with her. Ambition gave you balls of steel and made you do things that you only dared to dream. You LIVED your dreams coz of your Ambitions...then why did you tie her up in your backyard and let her starve?? Bring ambition back BY POPULAR DEMAND!!
9. Stop being all control freaky about life. Yep, I admit after years of being in denial that I am a control freak. Like all modern women out there, I have totally compartmentalised my life. We do it as we want to fit in so much in just one life time. So, my relationship went down the gutter, so so so?? Nik didnt end up being what I had bargained for...that knowledge made me lose all control. For one of those rare instances, my life didnt go as planned. So the control freaky me melted into a heap..What the fu&*! STOP IT.. STOP the freakin madness.
10. Read the notes to my self...again and again and again.
    

Pissed on my Parade

Now I know why millions of couples out there stay in a bad marriage. Its the damn freakin loneliness…it kills you. Trust me. This woman…small miracle did the unheard. She is freakin dumb! The reason I refer to my self as a third person is as currently the only one giving me company is my self.. hence I pretend I am the other person in my life right now. Stupid or desperate...dunno?!

I actually left my marriage. So he was cheating…so so so ??? It seems every one is cheating on the other. Yep, that’s my discovery. I have learnt in the recent past that people just look the other way when they see their spouse cheating on them. They pretend it’s all right. Mostly people my age have at least ONE kid if not two. So the kids are a great excuse. Just stay on with this one person you have known for so long and USE YOUR kids as an excuse. Who can bother to deal with living a life alone!??

So I have no kids…NO DAMN EXCUSE!! Rather than spending time trying to reproduce …and while in the act of reproduction, looking away so as to pretend that he’s NOT cheating…I spent time looking at my feelings. Today all the feelings I have are have are of being dead lonely. I Could have just stayed.

Nik is well read, very well spoken, we loved to travel together, we managed out house very well within our incomes, he has a gorgeous voice that sang to me when he was very very drunk…he is devastatingly good looking…then why the hell could I NOT find it in my self to look the other way???

Why did I decide to be ALONE…. days like last evening just kill me…just my damn fish and me. That’s it. To battle my loneliness, I went running in the rain. Yep, I always enjoy working out my feelings physically. After I ran a few laps of my residential area, I befriended a couple of 7-year-old boys. Can you see what my life is coming to?? One of them to lent me his cycle and then I cycled around the colony for some time till my heart was pounding and I could feel my sweat instead of the cold rain…

Then the very hungry and drenched in rain me, cooked me some spicy chicken. Spicy chicken is to me what an Old Monk is to a fauji at the front. We both have our antidote to loneliness…

Some times days like last evening are difficult to handle. A beautiful romantic rainy day… I HATE THEM for now…coz me and small miracle don’t know how to deal with them….

Well, we all know I would have left eventually...if not now then later. But, it sure does feel great to Vent!!!

Why is it easier to look the other way then to deal with our problems in life, A Seed for Thought?!!

What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?! Eliot

She

There are days when people do amazingly wonderful things for you. Today Tattoo Boy dedicated a poem to me on his blog.

Needless to say I am touched....honoured...emotional...happy...Thanks Tattoo Boy.

With his permission I am posting the poem on. My first ever GUEST writer ; )


She

Little girl inside, broken one too many times


She kept it all inside, painted on a smile

Under a frozen sun she stood to face the pain

She said to herself through this she will gain

When the knife began to chip she braved herself

Picked up her bags and weathered the storm


Standing strong through a thousand tears

Battling private wars amid a million fears

Making it through the night sometimes with no one in sight

Intermittently knowing somewhere she will find light

Convincing everyone around her there’s a reason behind this thunder and rain

Persevering for one day she will look through all the hurt and pain

Perpetuating through adversity to find a new person inside

Yes! One day the phoenix will surely rise



Starting over is not easy, it’s so dark at times

She knows it very well & made peace with the fact

Everytime she fell. Wiped the dust off her shoulders

Stood up and walked on as if she never stumbled

She won’t wallow in despair; a brighter day hides behind this sorrow

She will look ahead for there will be tomorrow

When her wings will spread, her eyes will sparkle

Standing proud, ready to take to the sky


Always remember

Butterflies are free to fly

You’re a butterfly, go on and fly

Soar up high above, your spirit should never die

Leave the past behind and don’t you ever cry

For you are a butterfly  : )


Tattoo Boy

http://distant-river.blogspot.com/

Tonight

He: You look so pretty in blue, I just can't stop thinking of you
She: thank you

He: You know I think about you all the time
She: Hmmm...I thought you were a busy man

He: I think of you every minute, only when I am working are you off my mind
She: Ok, that something...isn't it?

He: What is it about you that makes me so comfortable?
She: I guess its our vibe!?

He: You make me all soft, its like I am mush inside
She: You and soft, nah!(she smiles)

He: OK that's it, Can I come over and stay tonight
She: weren't you here just the other night? (naughty grin)

He: I like to hold you and feel your heart beat next to mine
She: Its a precious feeling, alright! (blushing)

He: I want you to know these moments are very special
She: (silent)

He: You silence speaks to me
She: (still silent)

He: When you run your fingers on my skin, I feel like a bit of heaven is within
She: Is that why you get goosebumps when I touch you? (naughty grin)

He: I have never felt this way before (softly)
She: Me neither, this feeling makes me so mellow

He: Every time I leave you, I want to come right back (whisper)
She: Every time you leave I want you back with me

He: I miss you, your touch, your voice, your feel..I will see you soon
She: In an hour or so?




She: what does tomorrow hold? (his arms around her)
He: Don't think of it, its just today we know

She: You and I can never be (with sadness)
He: I know and that's been our deal

She: I want out, I want more
He: Marriage, is that what you want?

She: No No...you know that's not possible fer sure
He: So then enjoy this moment and let tomorrow be

She: What will I say to MY tomorrow when we shall meet?
He: Oh, why is it so difficult for you to cherish me?(annoyed)

She: Why are we doing this?

He: Listen, I hope you find some one you loves you, gives you a house and kids

She: (Shocked...with tears welling in her eyes)
He: You know I will be happy for you if you did

She: You will be OK that some one else will be a part of me?( Now crying)
He: As long as you are happy...(Sigh)

She: You don't mean it..how could you?
He: I do...from the bottom of my heart (whispering)


She: Why are you with me?
 
A long pause


He: Can I come over tomorrow night?

Du Hast

Rammstein - Du Hast