Pampered Silly

Have you ever been pampered silly??!! Like so pampered that you are scared that your happiness might just get jinxed. 2009 ended with such amazing pampering that I at one point was scared that it’s too good. Its gonna get jinxed and I am going to land up with egg on my face.

Wow, such pessimism that I was a bit upset with myself. What happens to us when we grow up? When we are born, we land in lap of luxurious pampering. Every cry for food is met by immediate attention of our mother. Every movement monitored with love and concern of our parents. We are showered with gifts by one and all. Gifts that we have no memories of. The first couple of years we are pampered silly by one and all…coochie cooed, hugged and snuggled endlessly. Pampering is all we know.

The irony of it all, from being the first born grandchild and the most pampered daughter, today I am actually feeling scared that I am being pampered. Makes me smile at wonderment called life. All I know is that I have not been treated so tenderly and affectionately in the longest time.

I went on a life altering road trip to the hills. This time is was a new destination, McLeod Ganj, a suburb of Dhramshala nestled in the Kangra district of Himachal Pradesh. I have travelled far and wide in India and it was a surprise to a lot of people that I had never seen Dharamshala. I guess all in good time.

From checking out graves at 'St John in the wilderness' to eating orgasm-inspiring Momos, it was unpredictable and spontaneous. We smoked up, drank wine, walked about in the night in pitch-dark hills. Did a daylong trek that was as breath taking as it left me breathless! Ha…this is what holidays are meant to be.


Closed temples were opened in middle of the night; even gods were smiling at the naughtiness of pestering the priest to open the temple way past Gods bedtime! Medicines were miraculously produced in pitch-dark roads. M actually had the gum shun of handing over the wheel of the car to me at 2 am in the foothills of the grand Himalayas. Errr…me…I just started to drive 3 months back. Then next thing you know I am driving through a pitch-dark jungle speeding at the curves and giving my Co passengers a fright of their lives! The only other witness to this madness was the full Moon.. Ahhh…. The moon has been a silent witness for the past year. The moon that had prodded me to endure the darkness, stood witness to my immense joy that week.

My heart had been thirsting a waterfall for a long time. We spoke about it often, and there I was standing next to one with such happy joyful people. In the winter it was far from inviting yet two mad boys jumped in…brrr…this has got to be insanity. Cut to me in a village in Punjab chewing on sweet barley and pulling out turnips from the fields with 2 tiny tot kids. They knew so much more than I could ever imagine about pulling out vegetables from the ground. Sitting on a charpoy with a grand old man drinking very milky and very sweet tea…my soul was growing every second.

The best part of my holiday was the way chapter was closed for 2009. I sat in deep meditation with that one person who knows be better than I sometimes give credit for. That one person who has pampered my soul. For the first time in my life, I brought in a New Year in total silence, peace and gratitude.

Can you think of a better way to ring in 2010..I can’t??

On growing up, why do we feel guilty when we get pampered, while as a child it was our birth right, A Seed for Thought?

Heart n Soul

I know I have been far away from the written word for a long while now. So much has happened in 2009, its un-freaking believable! I needed to get away.


So I did just that…went into hibernation from the world I knew and grew me a new Heart and Soul. A large, soft, adrenalin pumping Heart. A Soul that can cover the universe and more. Winter of my life is over. Unlike animals that hibernate who feed on their body, I fed on my heart n soul for a long while….NOW I am out for a FEAST OF LIFE. Boy, am I hungry for that juicy yummy bite of life and that soul quenching tall glass of lemonade!


Thank you Sweet Lord for throwing me the Sour Lemons. You kept throwing them and I kept collecting till we both were exhausted. My soul was numb and I could feel nothing. Then I crawled into a corner and made such awesome Lemonade. This Lemonade had my broken heart and lifeless soul. And with the first sip of that ghastly lemonade I felt the first stirring a new heart…yes I could feel faint heartbeats. How is that possible? I thought my heart was broken and gone…no wait, I can hear it getting stronger…and by the next glass I could feel the LOUD thuds resonating through my Soul. Wait…did I say soul…the same torn, rotten soul that could feel no more. What are you saying??? With the third glass my soul was growing…it grew and grew. Suddenly I could hear the LOUD thuds of my heartbeat and feel the GLOW of my soul. One fine day I came alive again.


Small Miracle is Back!! Wish you all an amazing 2010!!


Love what you have and live in the moment, a lesson I so painfully learnt through the raw winter of my life. We don’t know what our future holds but we KNOW what we can do with our NOW.

A Seed for Thought for the ones like me who only knew to live in the past.

Notes

Notes to my self.

I am building my life back and some times to build anything crucial you have to have a note pad next to you..jot down stuff that is crucial "I need to remember list for life". Very important points that one should not let slip through the cracks.

1. Prayer is an act of talking to God and meditation is an act of listening. I need to talk to my self..and listen to the universe...every day in fact. So Meditate..listen.
2. Never give myself a chance to fall apart...ever again. Once you do that, it becomes a bad bad habit. Soon you are coming apart the seams at any given instance. Stop the act..NOW
3. Soul mates come into your life to tear down the wall and expose your self to you. Its important in life to stand naked in front of a mirror and see your self for who you are. Living with that forever could be painful..so you have got to let them go when the time comes.. LET GO!!
4. If I can't love my self then what chance in hell is there for any one else to love me?? Time I started romancing me. Love myself..take care of myself. Pamper my self. Turn the love inward. Fall in love with my self...again
   
5. What is good for me is good for me. I know it better than anyone else. Time I stop fighting the good just because some fuddy duddy social rule doesn't apply to the path of my happiness. Hold on to happiness with all your might...molly coddle the life outta happiness. Love it so damn much that it NEVER wants to leave your life...EVER! Happiness is my slave NOT my master
   
6. NOT let the word "Divorcee" define me. Can I please just redefine it for others. Can I allow my self to be the coolest, happiest, funnest (not to be mistaken for funniest) Divorcee out there?? Since when have I towed the line in this lifetime that I now I fall into the steriotype so obediently??
7. Not allow hate to seep into my system. Hate is a sneaky bastard that creeps up quietly and before you know it, its all over you like a bad FUGLY fungus. Don't ever get caught nappin by hate...let Forgiveness be the dude bouncer of my life that doesnt allow hate to enter.
8. Bring back that bitch of an ambition back in your life. You had fun with her. Ambition gave you balls of steel and made you do things that you only dared to dream. You LIVED your dreams coz of your Ambitions...then why did you tie her up in your backyard and let her starve?? Bring ambition back BY POPULAR DEMAND!!
9. Stop being all control freaky about life. Yep, I admit after years of being in denial that I am a control freak. Like all modern women out there, I have totally compartmentalised my life. We do it as we want to fit in so much in just one life time. So, my relationship went down the gutter, so so so?? Nik didnt end up being what I had bargained for...that knowledge made me lose all control. For one of those rare instances, my life didnt go as planned. So the control freaky me melted into a heap..What the fu&*! STOP IT.. STOP the freakin madness.
10. Read the notes to my self...again and again and again.
    

Pissed on my Parade

Now I know why millions of couples out there stay in a bad marriage. Its the damn freakin loneliness…it kills you. Trust me. This woman…small miracle did the unheard. She is freakin dumb! The reason I refer to my self as a third person is as currently the only one giving me company is my self.. hence I pretend I am the other person in my life right now. Stupid or desperate...dunno?!

I actually left my marriage. So he was cheating…so so so ??? It seems every one is cheating on the other. Yep, that’s my discovery. I have learnt in the recent past that people just look the other way when they see their spouse cheating on them. They pretend it’s all right. Mostly people my age have at least ONE kid if not two. So the kids are a great excuse. Just stay on with this one person you have known for so long and USE YOUR kids as an excuse. Who can bother to deal with living a life alone!??

So I have no kids…NO DAMN EXCUSE!! Rather than spending time trying to reproduce …and while in the act of reproduction, looking away so as to pretend that he’s NOT cheating…I spent time looking at my feelings. Today all the feelings I have are have are of being dead lonely. I Could have just stayed.

Nik is well read, very well spoken, we loved to travel together, we managed out house very well within our incomes, he has a gorgeous voice that sang to me when he was very very drunk…he is devastatingly good looking…then why the hell could I NOT find it in my self to look the other way???

Why did I decide to be ALONE…. days like last evening just kill me…just my damn fish and me. That’s it. To battle my loneliness, I went running in the rain. Yep, I always enjoy working out my feelings physically. After I ran a few laps of my residential area, I befriended a couple of 7-year-old boys. Can you see what my life is coming to?? One of them to lent me his cycle and then I cycled around the colony for some time till my heart was pounding and I could feel my sweat instead of the cold rain…

Then the very hungry and drenched in rain me, cooked me some spicy chicken. Spicy chicken is to me what an Old Monk is to a fauji at the front. We both have our antidote to loneliness…

Some times days like last evening are difficult to handle. A beautiful romantic rainy day… I HATE THEM for now…coz me and small miracle don’t know how to deal with them….

Well, we all know I would have left eventually...if not now then later. But, it sure does feel great to Vent!!!

Why is it easier to look the other way then to deal with our problems in life, A Seed for Thought?!!

What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?! Eliot

She

There are days when people do amazingly wonderful things for you. Today Tattoo Boy dedicated a poem to me on his blog.

Needless to say I am touched....honoured...emotional...happy...Thanks Tattoo Boy.

With his permission I am posting the poem on. My first ever GUEST writer ; )


She

Little girl inside, broken one too many times


She kept it all inside, painted on a smile

Under a frozen sun she stood to face the pain

She said to herself through this she will gain

When the knife began to chip she braved herself

Picked up her bags and weathered the storm


Standing strong through a thousand tears

Battling private wars amid a million fears

Making it through the night sometimes with no one in sight

Intermittently knowing somewhere she will find light

Convincing everyone around her there’s a reason behind this thunder and rain

Persevering for one day she will look through all the hurt and pain

Perpetuating through adversity to find a new person inside

Yes! One day the phoenix will surely rise



Starting over is not easy, it’s so dark at times

She knows it very well & made peace with the fact

Everytime she fell. Wiped the dust off her shoulders

Stood up and walked on as if she never stumbled

She won’t wallow in despair; a brighter day hides behind this sorrow

She will look ahead for there will be tomorrow

When her wings will spread, her eyes will sparkle

Standing proud, ready to take to the sky


Always remember

Butterflies are free to fly

You’re a butterfly, go on and fly

Soar up high above, your spirit should never die

Leave the past behind and don’t you ever cry

For you are a butterfly  : )


Tattoo Boy

http://distant-river.blogspot.com/

Tonight

He: You look so pretty in blue, I just can't stop thinking of you
She: thank you

He: You know I think about you all the time
She: Hmmm...I thought you were a busy man

He: I think of you every minute, only when I am working are you off my mind
She: Ok, that something...isn't it?

He: What is it about you that makes me so comfortable?
She: I guess its our vibe!?

He: You make me all soft, its like I am mush inside
She: You and soft, nah!(she smiles)

He: OK that's it, Can I come over and stay tonight
She: weren't you here just the other night? (naughty grin)

He: I like to hold you and feel your heart beat next to mine
She: Its a precious feeling, alright! (blushing)

He: I want you to know these moments are very special
She: (silent)

He: You silence speaks to me
She: (still silent)

He: When you run your fingers on my skin, I feel like a bit of heaven is within
She: Is that why you get goosebumps when I touch you? (naughty grin)

He: I have never felt this way before (softly)
She: Me neither, this feeling makes me so mellow

He: Every time I leave you, I want to come right back (whisper)
She: Every time you leave I want you back with me

He: I miss you, your touch, your voice, your feel..I will see you soon
She: In an hour or so?




She: what does tomorrow hold? (his arms around her)
He: Don't think of it, its just today we know

She: You and I can never be (with sadness)
He: I know and that's been our deal

She: I want out, I want more
He: Marriage, is that what you want?

She: No No...you know that's not possible fer sure
He: So then enjoy this moment and let tomorrow be

She: What will I say to MY tomorrow when we shall meet?
He: Oh, why is it so difficult for you to cherish me?(annoyed)

She: Why are we doing this?

He: Listen, I hope you find some one you loves you, gives you a house and kids

She: (Shocked...with tears welling in her eyes)
He: You know I will be happy for you if you did

She: You will be OK that some one else will be a part of me?( Now crying)
He: As long as you are happy...(Sigh)

She: You don't mean it..how could you?
He: I do...from the bottom of my heart (whispering)


She: Why are you with me?
 
A long pause


He: Can I come over tomorrow night?

Du Hast

Rammstein - Du Hast

1996

I am off to Bangalore. Last I was there was in Dec 1996. How time zooms away. This might sound very eeerie, but it was there in Bangalore that I had a dream that Nik will cheat on me. I remember waking up in the morning and feeling sick to my stomach. I drove my kinetic to his rented room and ran up and sobbed my dream to him. needles to say he was really annoyed and called it woman's hysteria!

Hmmm...here I am many many many moons later making my next trip to Bangalore. My first trip was because R had just moved there after staying with me in Pune for a year. She so wanted me to come down to this super cool city. R was dating this very creative art supervisor. Well, next thing you know I was fighting with my boss at Kimberly Clark to do my winter training in Bangalore. After much fighting and arguing, I finally won and went to Bangalore instead of Delhi. Along went Nik for his winter training as well. We took a train from Pune with our other batch mates...I remember waking up at 6 am at this wonderfully tiny station and ate idlis like I had never had food before!!

We both took down our bikes...he with his splendor and me with my kinetic. Thanks to that by end of 2 months i knew more about Bangalore than the locals did!! I shacked up with a Friend of R for a few days. She was marketing manger of Little Woods. Boy was I intimidated by her. She was THE marketing manager and me a poor little trainee! I remember waking up the first morning with 5 kittens and a pup sleeping on me!!! It seems the Marketing Manager was also an animal activist and rescuer.

I had such a great time in Bangalore. R went off to Hissar to introduce this Art genius to her parents and I had her room to my self. I bullied the best room and bed for her while she was away as her PG moved upstairs. It was so much of fun!!

I am so looking forward to going back to Bangalore after nearly 12 yrs!! So many chapters to close and so many chapters to open.

R is married now to the art genius for 10 years and has a son that looks just like her. Yes, indeed there are new chapters to open!!

“For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.” - Robert Louis Stevenson A Seed for Thought?!

Anna

I was doing my tarot cards last weekend. It’s very rare that I do my own tarot cards. I was deeply in despair and couldn't’t seem to find solace in anything or anyone. At time I guess we become our own enemies by thinking too damn much. Any way my cards urged me to seek and understand the relationship I share with my mother and all will be revealed then. It told me that the very first relationship any being forms is with the mother…and that very relationship holds the meaning of the subsequent relationships that we form…

Anna is an introvert herself. She has no close friends. The only people who matter are her mother, brother, my dad, A and me. She lost her dad at a very young age. At an age where was still a hero to her. She hadn’t grown old enough to see him as human…to her he will always be a hero. Hence her expectation from both my brother and dad are unreal. Her best friend was her younger brother who is no more. She has always expected the world from them…like it or not.

At a very young age I realised that Anna was incapable of forming relationships with women. It could be her mother, sister or me. She has certain aloofness after a point.

I was on my own. Making my plaits for school every morning. From my 8th grade onwards I have bought my own clothes with minimal supervision from my mum. The first time I had to tie a sari my mother and I had an argument…finally I had to ask my masi to come over and help me tie the saree. It was for teacher’s day. When I got my first period I went into a shock as my mother hadn’t warned me that now every month I shall have to go through this till menopause! I though I was dying as I had played too much of hockey!! Unlike most Indian girls, I bought my wedding outfit on my own and my mother only saw it a few days before as they were living abroad.

I grew up totally opposite to her. My house was filled with my friends from my 5th grade onwards. I still remember my parents had decided not to have a birthday party for me. We were in Jodhpur and I went and invited all 3 sections for my Bday party. What madness it was for my mum to arrange a party as the kids started rolling in!!

The only deep and meaningful relationships I have made in my life are with women. I have a sisterhood of friends from school, college and work who are like a lifeline. They take me for the madness that I am. It seems that I want THAT unconditional love and togetherness.

At 17 I left home to go to hostel and only got more and more independent. One would have though that it should have made me aloof but TODAY I realise I have only tired to fill my life with people and emotions.

I loved being with D coz her life was full of cousins and like me she has a lot of friends. With her I led that life I wanted to lead while growing up. Her house till today is full of relatives, kids, cousins, friends and neighbours…. She is such a super relationship maker and keeper. I guess she has mothered me.

I don’t know how but I grew up to fall in love with an Introvert. Not only is nik an introvert but also just like my mother, he has no great affection for family and friends. Today he and I both realise that most of the people who were there in his life were my friends.

It hit me like a thunderbolt after agonising about why the tarots asked me to analyse my relationship with my mother. I can’t believe it but it took me nearly 13 years to realise that Nik is so much like her in many many ways.

I for some reason got attracted to a man who was totally opposite of me and totally like Anna. Hmmm.. I don’t know where this realisation will take me….and I don’t know the seed for thought for this post. Maybe its just mindless rambling...

A

I have been glancing at various Rakhi pictures been uploaded by people on Facebook. I for one have no pictures to upload. My younger brother lives abroad. Just looking at the rakhi pictures of various people made me misty eyed. This time more than other I felt alone. Last 2 times the courier came back coz the Americans are so paranoid about “what’s in the packet!”

Isn’t it amazing that our country actually celebrates siblings…a festival where in a sister thanks her brother for being there for her, the brother shows his love by giving her a gift. Its so simple and pure. That’s what siblings are supposed to be for each other.

Looking back in my life I have had my ups and downs with my brother. Lets just say there has been more ups then downs. He and I are totally opposite to each other. I was that really naughty kid who was always being punished for some prank I had been up to, while A was the dreamer. He used to sit in a corner and draw….or run about catching butterflies. He was the one who was scared of the dark and I was the one who had my own room since I was 1 yr old. A is an introvert and I am an extrovert. He was good at school while I barely managed to make my grades every year. He hardly has any friends and I have one in every corner of the world and in every city that I have been to.

There are days we are best of friends and then there are days where we cant seem to agree on anything. Our personalities are so different that I guess it’s a crazy combination. Over the years we have learnt to adjust to each other and our temperaments. Today when I am going through my separation with nik… A picked up the phone and told me to go meet D. Today he understands and accepts that if there is one person on earth who will UNCONDITIONALLY love me and cherish me and pull back together then its D. Today he understands that both him and D have different places in my life.

We are literally East and West…He is father of 2 very bright and beautiful kids and I am in the process of concluding my family life. His main role today is of fatherhood and motherhood is something I might never have. He keeps reminding me of who I was and who I still am, deep down. He calls me ever so often and tells me all will be fine. His favourite line to me is “ you are a LIDDER”….just like dad you are meant for big things in life.

This Rakhi when I had no Rakhi to tie…I missed A and cried a bit.

My brother and I go back more than anyone else on earth and so it shall be in this lifetime. That my dear is NO seed for thought.