Parted

WHEN WE TWO PARTED

George Gordon (Lord) Byron

WHEN we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:
Lond, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met--
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

Departed

Today something shocking happened. A really bright boy who most certainly stood out in the crowd of Ogilvy, committed suicide. This boy was smart, well dressed, and good at his work and certainly got people’s attention when he entered the room. There are many people in Ogilvy and chances are I won’t recognise most of them if I see them on the road outside, but this guy I remember from the first instant I saw him.

I believe he did this as he had a fight with his girlfriend and they had broken up. Imagine a bight confident boy from the outside was so emotionally vulnerable from the inside. I am sure there must have been other issues that would have been building up in his life and probably this was the last straw that did him in.

It also makes me wonder, did he not have people in his life that he could reach out too. Was his pain only his own that he couldn’t share it with anyone…and if he did have pillars of strength in his life, would he have given up his life? So many questions about a person I hardly knew but saw every day. His death has affected my team and me. It’s really sad and shocking to say the least.

Just made me want to thank all the people who have stood by me. I know I have already done that, but yes it’s so important to be made to feel loved and cherished, while going through a crisis. How easily I could too have gone down the path of self-destruction if I did not have conviction in life and people.

The path of happiness will always be an uphill task and the path rolling down to sadness and depression so easy. I am so glad that I have people around me who have shown me the light to happiness when I could not see the way. There were no streetlights and the road was dark and full of potholes…but friendships shone the light of love and affection and I found my way. Yes, I took time. Maybe, a long time. Now I can see the path… Very well lit path.

Siddharth, though I did not know you well. I wish for your soul to find peace. Bless you!!


Our Mind thinks of Death
Our Heart thinks of Life
Our Soul thinks of Immortality.

Stripped and bare

Last evening I striped bare. My body and mind has been layered over the years with thoughts, mindsets, ideas, obligations, triumphs, disasters, pain, numbness, joy, tears…layers and layers of all of this that and more.

Amazingly I stand twice in the day in front of the mirror. Once in the morning while getting dressed to work. I am almost always running late for work hence it’s just a glance to see if all is fine. Then once in the evening right before I hit the bed to rid my face and body of all the muck and stuff of the day. I am so tired by then that one barely even notice how one looks or feels.

This ritual has been going of for 2 decades at least. Not one day have I taken time off to actually see my self? How do I look?!! I don’t think I know how my body or face looks in detail. Since when have I been so preoccupied with my mind and the goings on in the head, the master carrier of my soul got totally sidelined. The body just went unnoticed.

I know of women who spend hours in front of the mirror. Taking care of their face and body. They love who they are and have always admired their looks. While I just cruzed along my life, devoid of the urge to look at my self. Yes I LOVE dressing up …clothes and shoes are my passion. But the amazing thing is that they cover your body…to sit and choose what you will wear doesn’t require a mirror. You just reach into your cupboard and that’s it.

For the first time I stripped down bare and gathered enough courage to look at my self. Not only did I see my self in my skin I also I saw layers of auras around me. My shoulders were slumped over with years worth of nonsense. I was born free in this same skin. I was told I was a really happy go lucky child who smiled a lot. Today my skin-felt heavy…so much of residue…. although the body looked pretty darn perfect…it felt like a loser.

I sat down and cried and cried. So much of tears that even I was shocked!! In the process I lost one of my contact lens and didn’t even realise it. I wept for what I had done to my body and soul. I wept for I had stopped loving me. I wept for I had ignored my self. My body went unnoticed by me for years. I just didn’t care. Why had I done this to me??

The only thing that would calm me was the sharp droplets of water. Just standing under the shower, my tears mingling with the water, I felt slowly the layers of thoughts, mindsets, ideas, obligations, triumphs, disasters, pain, numbness, joy, tears…all washing away. Last night after a long time, I slept peacefully, even though the pillow was not my own.

I am going to turn this around. This will be the rising of Small Miracle. From this dirty pool of water this fish will emerge. Once more I will frolic in the sea of love, compassion, honesty, loyalty, forgiveness, friendship. The white light is I.

This mind will be unloaded for a while for no seeds of thoughts are necessary at this moment.

Creed

"Wash Away Those Years"

She came calling
One early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly
To tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
This is how she carried on

Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years

My anger's violent
But still I'm silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence Is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone
Remember you're not alone

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years

For we have crossed many oceans
And we labor in between
In life there are many quotients
And I hope I find the mean
the mean, the mean

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years
I hope that you can wash away those years

Quake

For those of you who have been strong enough to go through my dark thoughts of the past few months…a big Thank You. It’s been tough. Very tough. Life changing even. I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past few years…it’s been very tough but then that’s the path I chose, so no regrets at all. Pain yes...Regrets no.

I just wish it were not meant to be like this. I wish I did die in the arms of my soul mate at the end of my lifetime… I wish we had kept those promises that we made at age 20 and reiterated when we got married. I wish we have loved and respected each other far more than we landed up doing. I wish I were not so emotional. I wish I did not feel BOTH Joy and Pain with such intensity. I wish I had not made my world only about him and me…I wish there was a lot of me after 6 pm every day. I wish I had THAT zing in me that would keep my man with me…

Love is such a complicated feeling. Reflecting back all we started with was togetherness. It was just he and I and our world. We didn’t spend a minute apart and that too felt less. Then I left the country and on returning back nothing was ever the same again. I saw the shift then. Over the years I have been told time and again that I only operate with one emotion, that is EGO. Well, I guess my ego did not allow me to accept that things had changed.

I will not sit and sermon on how things should be. I have no clue but I do want to thank you all for being there for me. Today and future is a blur. I know I will make it, now more than ever. Dreams have got shattered. Maybe I will never find another…no children to have as a legacy…a tag to carry for rest of this lifetime. Maybe this was it, the only true love of this lifetime!!?

But, I can’t live a sad, regretful, hateful, painful life coz of the daunting “Maybe” that hang about the corners of my life.

The biggest fear to have battled is of being Lonely. I fear it…coming home to nothing and no one. Past 6 years have been in each other’s company. Gently shaking him up when he has those nightmares every few days. Waking up every single morning to his warm hugs. Waiting for him every evening to come home. Who will reach out to the top shelf? How will I deal with being stuck in a room with a Lizard?! What about that books that he reads and recommends to me. Will I not get to pull him in the nook of my neck every morning and make him rest there for a few minutes before he gets out of bed? Those many many trips together around the world. All my sari blouses have buttons in the back… Who will button those blouses? Will I now never wear a sari?! What about that mangalsutra?? No more Sindoor on the forehead at festivals?? What about the wedding band that I gave him inscribed with "Soulmates Forever"...

What happened to the Fire God who presided over my wedding ceremony? Wasn’t he supposed to purify that moment and our union?! What about those hundred people who sat around us while we were being joined in the holy matrimony, did they not bless us?! Are those blessings not worth any thing?!

He and I were Silent but not alone, over the past few years. We were there around each other…maybe not with each other ...but most certainly around. Then where did this earthquake come from?! How did my Home become the epicentre of this earthquake?

I have no seed for thought as I feel very mindless...numb!

Ordinary

Things are happening. I can feel the winds of change blowing, fast and furious. I don't know what I am doing or will it be OK. All I KNOW is that I am doing this for something has snapped. Somethings you can't undo. Somethings are are not meant to be undone. They happen to push you into another zone. A zone that you would have never chosen ordinarily, but then I am not ordinary.

Extra ordinary things happen to extra ordinary people. Maybe that is why I was not supposed to have it the ordinary way. I wish I was ordinary. I wish I was that woman that could just give and give, not snap at all. But I have snapped, at first it felt like I had snapped into two pieces. Broken into two. It was so tough to make sense of it all...why me...why me...why me...that's all I could ask God. I don't deserve this I said.

The one day I got the answer from the man above, WHY NOT YOU, he said?! Why expect the ordinary when you are so extra ordinary?!! Why makes you think others deserve this but you will lead an ordinary privileged life?! Yes, my master I said, for the first time I will not fight my fate. For this is how it was meant to be. I shall love and will not allow hate to seep in. For 15 years of precious loving has great and profound meaning.

I will not lose the meaning of loving, giving, hoping and changing. I will not fear ordinary emotions like fear. Fear freezes you to the ground. You are immobilised with the feeling. You don't move, you don't breathe, you don't live, for fear has cut you off your knees. I have been on my knees for a while now, time I got up and felt my feet. Time I put my feet on the ground and ran barefoot...feel the grass blades on the soles of my feet. Its time I ensure that BOTH you and I LIVED an Extra ordinary life... We share extra ordinary love that nothing will fade nor charr or burn away. Its time we cast away the fear we fear! Why fear loss when the only thing we have gained is LOVE..

Its time...

Breathe

Breathe - The Prodigy


Breathe with me

Breathe the pressure
Come play my game
I'll test ya
Psycho-somatic addict insane
Breathe the pressure
Come play my game
I'll test ya
Psycho-somatic addict insane

Come play my game
Inhale, inhale, your the victim
Come play my game
Exhale, exhale, exhale

Come breathe with me
Breathe with me

Mates

The other day some one asked me what is your idea of a Man. Lets be clear here, its not about a "Perfect" man as no such thing exists. No one is and should be perfect. Our allure and charm lies in those small imperfections that we have. That's what makes us stand apart in the crowd. Perfection would be so boring. Every snowflake is different. Every snowflake is beautiful. These different snowflakes come together and form breathtaking glaciers.

Why are we constantly obsessing about what an ideal man should be. There is no ideal. What could be ideal today could be totally a mismatch tomorrow. Its situational. Some one's reaction to one thing could be ideal and a reaction over something else could be utterly wrong!!

Surprisingly when ever you do ask some one about their ideal mate the usual responses are almost always physical. Ladies will FIRST say "I like my man to be tall, short, dark, fair, deep voice, muscular, skinny, clear skin, black hair, brown eyes etc etc". Then the women will most likely say "I would like him to make me laugh...he should be funny, he should be entertaining etc". Then will come the last bit which is " he should be deep and intense or sporty and outdoorsy or nerdy and bookish."

Then once we have the physical aspect put together, the entertainment part taken care of and lastly a loose characterisation of nature.... the women go hunting. Please note by now she has a rough sketch of THE man in her head. For example, THE man is tall, fair, clear skinned, muscular, intense AND yet my lord he makes me laugh! Now these very traits will take me through life. We don't care much about the person he is UNDERNEATH. Rather we never really care to explore the person as long as the list is matched and all boxes ticked off.

I shall be happy as a Lady bug on a sunflower for I have found my phantom match. He is a mystery to me but I don't really care. That's how mad most of us women are.

Come on people...is this how it goes?!! THIS is how a mate is found?!! How the hell is an intense man going to make you laugh...ever thought about that woman??! How is his masculinity going to help you feel better when you are sad and depressed?! What will his fair skin do for you when you need some one to stand by you in your tough time and he is no where in sight??

Over the years my idea of A Man (NOT THE man) has changed. I am thinking my wish list would go like this...

1. Someone who appreciates my flaws. Its easy to love anyone strengths


2. I earn my living. I don't need your money. I can buy my self anything I wish. I CAN buy YOU anything you wish. I can't buy Love and Loyalty.


3. I need togetherness and sharing. If I can't touch your laptop, phone, be part of your social networking site then maybe you don't understand what togetherness is.


4. I know how to give space. I also know the difference between giving space and living in two different continents. My MBA does help me decipher such things.


5. Honesty is non negotiable.


6. Until or unless you and I agree on an "open relationship or marriage" chances are that I will expect loyalty. I don't understand why you would want to be with everyone else WHILE you are with me...it confuses me!!


7. I want you to stand by me STRONG. Life is tough. Its gonna challenge us. I will be annoying, needy, weak, weepy, insecure and then there will be the days I will be the DIVA, strong, successful, confident. You have got to be able to handle all the avatars.
8. There will be days when I will need you to be my net that I can fall into and you better know that I have a spine of steel that can carry any burden for you. You cant pick and choose when you will be there for me and when you wont. YOU HAVE GOTTA BE THERE ALWAYS.


9. I don't know how you look. I guess it doesn't matter. Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston. Did it make her pain less coz he is the worlds best looking Dude?? I think not. Handsome is what handsome does.
10. Like all women I look absolutely scary in the morning...can you love that?? Never agree with me when I say I am looking fat, ugly, terrible...NEVER ; )

Have you noticed that the most important decision we take in life of finding a mate is based purely on the physical aspects. While to buy something as basic as a car, we go showroom to showroom looking at various cars, we test drive them, check the colour, see the engine, compare the mileage with other cars. Looks is just one aspect of the whole package of buying the car. We don't settle for anything but the best within our means, needs and desires.

Do we NEED a mate or should we WANT a mate?!! Seed for thought for those who don't know better...

Vanity Insanity

Them zits. I hate them. To give a brief back ground, I have always had super clear skin. No zits, no marks, just clear skin. The only thing that I have is a massive birth mark on the right hand side of my face. It goes over my right ear, spreads a bit on my right cheek and then all over my neck. Very few people who know me have even noticed it. But yes, let it get Hot, Sweaty or if I am pissed off...the birth mark goes stark raving mad and gets a life of its own. I can feel it burn up and turn bright Red. Though its has been bang on my face I have never been conscious of it. Maybe that's why people don't notice it much, as I don't notice it much my self.

So life was cruising along just fine with me and my birthmark, then suddenly one day 2 years back I saw a bunch of zits/pimples sprout up right on my cheek bones. So every time I laughed or smiled, they would hurt. Not only were they nasty hurtful, they also were full of gunk that you and I don't need to talk about. I ignored them for a few weeks. Thinking I am going through a rough personal time so maybe its just stress. Then a few months when the pimples had pretty much taken over my face, I had no choice but to contact a dermatologist.

One fine evening I found my self sitting in a seedy basement of a well known skin specialist. While I was waiting at his reception I was asked by his assistant if I would be interested in either Botox or Restylene. So I got a bit nervous. Here I am talking about something as basic as pimples and there she is talking about Botox!! It annoyed me a bit, is this a ploy to totally destroy any self esteem I might have left?!! So while the Dr is busy attending some one else, the assistant is pushing me to have more luscious lips with Restylene. Or I could remove the "Age" lines on my face with Botox. Lines...I have lines on my face?!! I hadn't even noticed!!! Ok agreed I might not have the worlds most perfect full lips or flawless "ageless" skin but getting some thing injected in them was just up my ally. Then she pounced on my birth mark. Did I know that I could get it lasered off??! Why in God's name would I want that, I asked her?? Its been my identity for my entire adult life. I love my birth mark!!

I was so psyched by the time I met the Dr that I just couldn't wait to get out of there. I went home and inspected my face for at least an hour. Are these lines so ugly?? Hmmm...my lips are thin but they seemed to have served me fine. No one had ever commented on their thinness up till now. Or did I have very polite friends who over the years omitted to mention my thin lips?!! Awwww.....where did these lines come from?!! Why did I not notice them before?!! It felt like just yesterday when I had line less and zit free face. Why is GOD doing this to me??! Does he hate me in particular that I am rolling down the lane of total "Uglydom" after years of "Divadom"

So the next few days were spent in total concern of me looking old and needing things to save it from total destruction. I had just stepped into my 30's and it seemed that life was over. I might as well retire to the hills and live with all the old women with hundreds of age line on their faces. Who would notice them there??!!

Miraculously my pimples were forgotten. I had bigger problems now of Age lines, thin lips and my birthmark.It such a sucky situation. No one wants to age willingly, but we do. That's just the way nature planned it so. I have got to learn to wear my Age lines with pride. I love my birth mark. Its been my identity for always. What am I getting stressed about? Hair will grey, skin will wrinkle and birthmark will remain on my face. I realised how Vanity is total Insanity. People can feed you junk and you can actually get sucked into the madness of Vanity.

Luckily good sense prevailed and I went back to stressing about my pimples ONLY. 2 years later I still get pimples, I have massive acne marks on my face. I moan about them now and then and sulk about them. Luckily I made peace with my Age lines and thin lips. I am back in love with my birthmark. Its special. No one else has it but me!! : )

Why is the Society so concerned with looking a certain way only?!! Do we put undue pressure on insecure people and get them to do things that they might not need at all?? Every one ages, then why do people feel alone in the journey of aging?! Why is aging such a bad word?!

A Seed for thought for us humans who start aging from the moment we are born!!

Reclaim

So much has happened since 1st Jan 2009. I usually do a lot of thinking in Goa while bringing in the New Year. This year I had other things on our mind. Suddenly life took over and I was no more in control. I had plans and they were BIG Plans. Things were gonna be perfect…just perfect. I was doing a true “Small Miracle” to my life. Past was miraculously gonna go away and future was to be bright and cheerful. Well, that’s how I planned it. My BIG Ego and I were not gonna have it any other way. Failure of plans was NOT an option. The writing has been clear on the wall for a long time but I was never gonna read it. NEVER…then one day the writing would fade and my plan would be so successful.

Now I have no plan. No clue what is in store for me? I am sitting in a limbo. Hoping that some one will get here and resolve my life. I am sitting in this room buzzing with people, friends, family, colleagues and other noises. I can’t see any one, everything is a blur…but strangely I can read the writing on the wall very clearly. I can read every damn word of it. I tried to rub it off…I tried and tried. This time the writing is not going away. It’s right there in front of me…in Permanent Ink.

This has made me reflect my life and who I am. I last went through this painful phase of “Who am I " when I was 17. Having done that and defined myself, I thought the job was over. Now that I knew who I was and my value systems were addressed, I was set for life. I am Small Miracle. I KNEW me more than anything else and I knew my life. I didn’t know where I was going in life and whom I was going with, but I knew ME. That was good enough, wasn’t it?

1999

1. I was working 12-15 hours a days. Slogging it and LOVING every moment of the slog. I look like a hag but felt like a princess.

2. My self-esteem was High. I was great at what I did. Loved by my people. Popular at work with colleagues and client.

3. I had a very close set of friends with whom I had spent past few years, growing up. We were there for each other every step of the way. We just didn’t allow each other to fall. I was always the problem solver that every one came to. I was there for them 24/7, emotionally, financially and mentally.

4. I went all over Delhi heat, rain and cold in buses and autos. Never complained a day.

5. Dating this perfect boy who loved me unconditionally. Our life revolved around each other. We did everything together and loved every moment of our togetherness. We were so TIGHT that there was no place for even air…forget another person or thing.

6. In spite of everything being great I was burning out very fast. I could feel it in my bones. The burn out was round the corner. I was exhausted ALL the time. I was working my self to the bone. For months I had no day off. I was going round the clock all the time between work, friends, family and my boy. I was not ME any more.

7. One day I woke up and gave it ALL up to go to America. My family was going there on an assignment. I needed to save my self from self-destructing. I just got up, resigned and sat on that plane and left. It was not easy but nor did it kill me. I left behind a great job, closest friends, security of Delhi, all of my material possessions and most importantly my Boy. I was allowed to take a suitcase of clothes and that’s all I took.

2009

1. I work 8 hours a days. Maybe not slogging it but certainly LOVING every moment of what I do. In spite of it, I have a burning desire to leave. I have a great sense of non-accomplishment that no one understands. I don’t look like a hag but I feel worse than one.

2. My self-esteem is at the lowest. I am great at what I do. Loved by my people. Popular at work with colleagues and partners associated at work. But, I am defined by why the boy didn't love me the way it shd have been. Love of every one else that I get doesn't seem to matter.

3. A very close set of friends with whom I hardly ever share my life. We see each other fall but can’t seem to do a thing to stop it. I am still the problem solver that every one comes to. I am NOT there for them 24/7, emotionally, financially and mentally. I can’t even remember when I last gave some one a gift…a small gesture that made them feel loved by me.

4. I have a lovely car and I don’t even drive. Shame on me.

5. My man grew up to be some one I didn’t expect. There is a lot of love yet enough space that a world has resided between us. The no of people is growing and growing…

6. I am burnt out emotionally. I can feel it in my bones. The burn out is here, it NOW. I am emotionally exhausted ALL the time. I have over worked my emotions to the bone. For months I have had no day off. I am going round the clock all the time and STRANGELY I hardly give that kind of time to work, friends, and family. It’s ALL about the BOY who never was…

7. I am waiting to WAKE UP….

What does one do when you lose your self?! For some one who grew being taught that selfish is a very mean word, to give and give is what we are born for. Today I am spent. I have just reached a half way mark of my life and I am SPENT. I want to reclaim in my life. What can I do to love my self and my life?!!

A Seed for Thought for me to solve my quandary.