On 30th may 2009 I moved out of my home, that I shared with Nik. We had lived there for 5.5 yrs together. A lot of things happened in that house. Some good and some not so good. But all in all I pretty much lived my married life in that house. It had to end…so it did. Enough of ifs, buts, how, when and why. Too much has been said and analysed. In the end 2 hearts have been broken. 2 lives separated. A living unit divided into 2.
That’s NOT how it’s meant to be ideally…but I didn’t live in an ideal world. My world was full of confusion. The line between right and wrong was very blurry. There were others who lived between us…without me knowing. So things were far from ideal.
I married a lovely man. A best friend that I totally love and adore. He wasn’t ready for marriage, for my strong emotions, my boundaries, for loyalty. We had a very important ingredient missing…compatibility. I wish for him to find a better life and an amazing life partner. He does deserve the best, so what if the best was not I. That makes me no less well…just not best enough for this union.
I moved into my own house. It’s really nice. Its empty. I love the fact that it is empty. I now get to colour the canvas in myriad hues. Don’t get me wrong. I loved every moment of doing up my home with Nik. Everything was shared and bought after discussion. Now I need to be in love with me…just as much as I was in love with Nik and the fact that I was married to him. I need to be in love with the fact that I am me again.
I will not waste time in regret and bitterness. I have no regret because I had his love for a long time. I am not bitter towards him as I know now that he doesn’t know better. I will always feel great love for him. I might not be in love but I will love.
Nik, thank you for giving me those very wonderful years. I enjoyed most of our time together. I have learnt so much from you as I am sure you have too. I send only prayers and blessings your way. I am round the corner from you and you know that. Just fill your life with love and happiness. Open your arms WIDE and let the world reside in there…I have always done that. Today I have so many people standing besides me and behind me. My arms are wide open for more.
I also want to thank Devjani with a million hugs for being my soul sister. Without her I would be very broken today. A big shout out to Chirag, Varun, Charubala and China for helping me pack and shift. A special thanks to the boys of NSG for their support. I also want to thank some very dear friends who were far away but were there with me every second that day and have supported me through it all.
Most of you attended my wedding and I know it is equally tough to see me leave my home. I don’t know what to say. Lets just say that this fauji kid is going on to her next posting. As always the future is unknown but that is what makes life so exciting...i know this posting will be as good as all others have been in my life.
Nik I will miss you but NOT MOURN you… FRIENDS FOREVER!!
3 comments:
u are such a fighter soul...and ur optimism is so inspiring..pls never change so little people like us can learn...
ppl who are crippled by their emotions need to study under u to fix themselves up lol..im signing up for tuitions incase you decide to counsel!
Ur new home will be as exciting, funky and fun as you are in person..it will be another you..cant wait to have chai on the balcony on balmy autumn days!!! and some shiva moon pls!
Am eager to watch u take up your emancipation with as much spirit and vigour and LOVE as you always put into everything in your life..
THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE and what a banging start!
P:S - we enjoyed saturday!! and the nsg guys were amazing, still spellbound that i was in their company..and loads o love to D..she rocks!
I love the clarity with which you wrote this. I have been reading your blog and talking to you, but somehow reading your blog sometimes gives me a better perspective on what you are feeling and going through. I guess I can tap into the silence over here.
Not only did I always love the person you are, I now respect, every single decision you have ever taken that has brought you to this point. It takes guts, strength of character and dignity. Nik is a lucky guy to have had been such a big part of your life.
Par kahani abhi baaki hai...and the chapters are slowly unfolding.
Go out into the world my friend. Reclaim. And fly. Shocking pink curtains are the way to go.
Thanks Varun...its teh spirit that you guys have that I tap into. Thanks for being there to help me pack...it was tough day but we made an event outta it...didn't we?!! In true Small Miracle fashion ; )
Roohie, i am lucky to have such strong women like your self as part of my friend cirle. You know each one of you inspire me...Hugs!!
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