Expectations

Today I write this post a bit irritated. Last night I was out with 2 very dear friends and broke the news about nik and me. Needless to say there was surprise but then one them started mumbling how he had know about certain “women” that niks been with. Since I have split with nik this is the first time I experienced anger with a friend. Till now they have played a really supportive role for me and helped me transit through a very tough period in my life.

At times I don’t get friends…if you know something that is not right then please tell me. Honestly if I had heard or felt that his wife was cheating on him, I would have told this particular friend of mine. No two ways about it. That’s my commitment to him and it calls that I look out for him.

One one hand rationale told me that maybe he didn’t want to disturb the so called peace that he felt I had in my marriage, on the other hand I was burning with anger for him to have seen and hear things and not walking up to me and tell me about it.

Who is right or wrong…it’s a sensitive time in my life. I can’t seem to comprehend the right from wrong. It’s so important at this point not to have any expectation from friends as that is the very cause of anger. I expect them to be fearless like me. I expect them to be impulsive like me, I expect them to watch out for me like I would do for them, I expect them to not see me walk into a dark ally unknowingly, when they very well could have helped avert all this.

Hmmm…then on the other hand I feel, maybe this is how it was meant to be. People hesitate to comment about a married couple. Friends don’t want to be the “bad” one telling you things that you might not wanna hear. I dunno…all I can say is that I am very disappointed. Very very disappointed. Is it right to feel this way? Should I just not feel anything for friends, nik, family, work…just cloak my emotions and rally on.

Just that conversation brought back so many bad memories of the past. Things that I want to forget. I don’t want to remember all those women…the betrayals…the trauma…tears..heartache.

I want to be able to wake up positive about my self. I want to be able to start liking my self again. I wonder what made me take all that nonsense for so many years. Why did I turn into such a coward?! Why did I not stand up for what was right a few years back??

Every one craves to be loved… yet I can’t for the life of me figure out if love is strength or is it a weakness?? A seed for though for the lovers who got weak with love.