Reclaim

So much has happened since 1st Jan 2009. I usually do a lot of thinking in Goa while bringing in the New Year. This year I had other things on our mind. Suddenly life took over and I was no more in control. I had plans and they were BIG Plans. Things were gonna be perfect…just perfect. I was doing a true “Small Miracle” to my life. Past was miraculously gonna go away and future was to be bright and cheerful. Well, that’s how I planned it. My BIG Ego and I were not gonna have it any other way. Failure of plans was NOT an option. The writing has been clear on the wall for a long time but I was never gonna read it. NEVER…then one day the writing would fade and my plan would be so successful.

Now I have no plan. No clue what is in store for me? I am sitting in a limbo. Hoping that some one will get here and resolve my life. I am sitting in this room buzzing with people, friends, family, colleagues and other noises. I can’t see any one, everything is a blur…but strangely I can read the writing on the wall very clearly. I can read every damn word of it. I tried to rub it off…I tried and tried. This time the writing is not going away. It’s right there in front of me…in Permanent Ink.

This has made me reflect my life and who I am. I last went through this painful phase of “Who am I " when I was 17. Having done that and defined myself, I thought the job was over. Now that I knew who I was and my value systems were addressed, I was set for life. I am Small Miracle. I KNEW me more than anything else and I knew my life. I didn’t know where I was going in life and whom I was going with, but I knew ME. That was good enough, wasn’t it?

1999

1. I was working 12-15 hours a days. Slogging it and LOVING every moment of the slog. I look like a hag but felt like a princess.

2. My self-esteem was High. I was great at what I did. Loved by my people. Popular at work with colleagues and client.

3. I had a very close set of friends with whom I had spent past few years, growing up. We were there for each other every step of the way. We just didn’t allow each other to fall. I was always the problem solver that every one came to. I was there for them 24/7, emotionally, financially and mentally.

4. I went all over Delhi heat, rain and cold in buses and autos. Never complained a day.

5. Dating this perfect boy who loved me unconditionally. Our life revolved around each other. We did everything together and loved every moment of our togetherness. We were so TIGHT that there was no place for even air…forget another person or thing.

6. In spite of everything being great I was burning out very fast. I could feel it in my bones. The burn out was round the corner. I was exhausted ALL the time. I was working my self to the bone. For months I had no day off. I was going round the clock all the time between work, friends, family and my boy. I was not ME any more.

7. One day I woke up and gave it ALL up to go to America. My family was going there on an assignment. I needed to save my self from self-destructing. I just got up, resigned and sat on that plane and left. It was not easy but nor did it kill me. I left behind a great job, closest friends, security of Delhi, all of my material possessions and most importantly my Boy. I was allowed to take a suitcase of clothes and that’s all I took.

2009

1. I work 8 hours a days. Maybe not slogging it but certainly LOVING every moment of what I do. In spite of it, I have a burning desire to leave. I have a great sense of non-accomplishment that no one understands. I don’t look like a hag but I feel worse than one.

2. My self-esteem is at the lowest. I am great at what I do. Loved by my people. Popular at work with colleagues and partners associated at work. But, I am defined by why the boy didn't love me the way it shd have been. Love of every one else that I get doesn't seem to matter.

3. A very close set of friends with whom I hardly ever share my life. We see each other fall but can’t seem to do a thing to stop it. I am still the problem solver that every one comes to. I am NOT there for them 24/7, emotionally, financially and mentally. I can’t even remember when I last gave some one a gift…a small gesture that made them feel loved by me.

4. I have a lovely car and I don’t even drive. Shame on me.

5. My man grew up to be some one I didn’t expect. There is a lot of love yet enough space that a world has resided between us. The no of people is growing and growing…

6. I am burnt out emotionally. I can feel it in my bones. The burn out is here, it NOW. I am emotionally exhausted ALL the time. I have over worked my emotions to the bone. For months I have had no day off. I am going round the clock all the time and STRANGELY I hardly give that kind of time to work, friends, and family. It’s ALL about the BOY who never was…

7. I am waiting to WAKE UP….

What does one do when you lose your self?! For some one who grew being taught that selfish is a very mean word, to give and give is what we are born for. Today I am spent. I have just reached a half way mark of my life and I am SPENT. I want to reclaim in my life. What can I do to love my self and my life?!!

A Seed for Thought for me to solve my quandary.