Notes

Notes to my self.

I am building my life back and some times to build anything crucial you have to have a note pad next to you..jot down stuff that is crucial "I need to remember list for life". Very important points that one should not let slip through the cracks.

1. Prayer is an act of talking to God and meditation is an act of listening. I need to talk to my self..and listen to the universe...every day in fact. So Meditate..listen.
2. Never give myself a chance to fall apart...ever again. Once you do that, it becomes a bad bad habit. Soon you are coming apart the seams at any given instance. Stop the act..NOW
3. Soul mates come into your life to tear down the wall and expose your self to you. Its important in life to stand naked in front of a mirror and see your self for who you are. Living with that forever could be painful..so you have got to let them go when the time comes.. LET GO!!
4. If I can't love my self then what chance in hell is there for any one else to love me?? Time I started romancing me. Love myself..take care of myself. Pamper my self. Turn the love inward. Fall in love with my self...again
   
5. What is good for me is good for me. I know it better than anyone else. Time I stop fighting the good just because some fuddy duddy social rule doesn't apply to the path of my happiness. Hold on to happiness with all your might...molly coddle the life outta happiness. Love it so damn much that it NEVER wants to leave your life...EVER! Happiness is my slave NOT my master
   
6. NOT let the word "Divorcee" define me. Can I please just redefine it for others. Can I allow my self to be the coolest, happiest, funnest (not to be mistaken for funniest) Divorcee out there?? Since when have I towed the line in this lifetime that I now I fall into the steriotype so obediently??
7. Not allow hate to seep into my system. Hate is a sneaky bastard that creeps up quietly and before you know it, its all over you like a bad FUGLY fungus. Don't ever get caught nappin by hate...let Forgiveness be the dude bouncer of my life that doesnt allow hate to enter.
8. Bring back that bitch of an ambition back in your life. You had fun with her. Ambition gave you balls of steel and made you do things that you only dared to dream. You LIVED your dreams coz of your Ambitions...then why did you tie her up in your backyard and let her starve?? Bring ambition back BY POPULAR DEMAND!!
9. Stop being all control freaky about life. Yep, I admit after years of being in denial that I am a control freak. Like all modern women out there, I have totally compartmentalised my life. We do it as we want to fit in so much in just one life time. So, my relationship went down the gutter, so so so?? Nik didnt end up being what I had bargained for...that knowledge made me lose all control. For one of those rare instances, my life didnt go as planned. So the control freaky me melted into a heap..What the fu&*! STOP IT.. STOP the freakin madness.
10. Read the notes to my self...again and again and again.
    

Pissed on my Parade

Now I know why millions of couples out there stay in a bad marriage. Its the damn freakin loneliness…it kills you. Trust me. This woman…small miracle did the unheard. She is freakin dumb! The reason I refer to my self as a third person is as currently the only one giving me company is my self.. hence I pretend I am the other person in my life right now. Stupid or desperate...dunno?!

I actually left my marriage. So he was cheating…so so so ??? It seems every one is cheating on the other. Yep, that’s my discovery. I have learnt in the recent past that people just look the other way when they see their spouse cheating on them. They pretend it’s all right. Mostly people my age have at least ONE kid if not two. So the kids are a great excuse. Just stay on with this one person you have known for so long and USE YOUR kids as an excuse. Who can bother to deal with living a life alone!??

So I have no kids…NO DAMN EXCUSE!! Rather than spending time trying to reproduce …and while in the act of reproduction, looking away so as to pretend that he’s NOT cheating…I spent time looking at my feelings. Today all the feelings I have are have are of being dead lonely. I Could have just stayed.

Nik is well read, very well spoken, we loved to travel together, we managed out house very well within our incomes, he has a gorgeous voice that sang to me when he was very very drunk…he is devastatingly good looking…then why the hell could I NOT find it in my self to look the other way???

Why did I decide to be ALONE…. days like last evening just kill me…just my damn fish and me. That’s it. To battle my loneliness, I went running in the rain. Yep, I always enjoy working out my feelings physically. After I ran a few laps of my residential area, I befriended a couple of 7-year-old boys. Can you see what my life is coming to?? One of them to lent me his cycle and then I cycled around the colony for some time till my heart was pounding and I could feel my sweat instead of the cold rain…

Then the very hungry and drenched in rain me, cooked me some spicy chicken. Spicy chicken is to me what an Old Monk is to a fauji at the front. We both have our antidote to loneliness…

Some times days like last evening are difficult to handle. A beautiful romantic rainy day… I HATE THEM for now…coz me and small miracle don’t know how to deal with them….

Well, we all know I would have left eventually...if not now then later. But, it sure does feel great to Vent!!!

Why is it easier to look the other way then to deal with our problems in life, A Seed for Thought?!!

What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?! Eliot