Shooting Stars

“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?”


Gone. Just like that.

One fine day I find out that Sheetanshu is no more. How is that possible? He just turned 33. We were together night before last on Diwali eve…he is so young? We are all were at my place playing cards till 3 am night before Diwali?? I mean I just spoke with him yesterday…what the hell are you saying? I mean I flew in early from Bbay to celebrate his birthday and wanted to keep it a surprise…what a fun evening it was, celebration of being alive and clocking another year. And now he is no more…just like that he had a heart attack. How kind he was to me? He and his better half shared their friendship with me unabashedly. What a Rock star!

Two days later while I am UK I find out that Nandu is no more… one of the most respected guys of the Advertising Industry is not here any more. Nandu like me was a regular Facebooker and without fail have an interesting update, quiz or music link uploaded. I did not know him too well but we certainly spoke now and then on FB. I looked forward to his updates, it had become a habit. There are regulars on FB and he was one of them on my page. I had time to get to know him better so I never bothered speeding up the process. What a Rock star too!

One a dear friend with whom there was still so much more to share, learn, talk, exchange…the other a quiet inspiration who was very close to a lot of friends of mine…and both the deaths shook me equally. Two Stars gone...just like that to heart attacks.Too young..too soon!

Made me question life..since 10th Nov that all I have been doing…thinking …questioning…agonizing and GRIEVING!

What is death…just a reminder that we are LIVING?!

A seed for Thought the ones like me who can’ t understand why the good ones are taken away do fast and the terrible ones live to be 100!!

PS: My last post was after I came back from Sheetanshu's birthday party at 2.30 am. How happy I was to have him and his wife as my friends. Little did I know that my next post will be after he is no more...I feel immense sorrow and can't stop grieving.

:)

There is an old saying that "You can't shake hands with a clenched fist". For a heartwarming friendship you need to open your self...your heart to let people in.

I am so thankful for the friends I have had and the friends who have walked into my life in the past year. Its like a wave of people entering my life. Good, happy people who are comfortable being themselves. They celebrate their lives in every possible way. I am so glad they encourage me to celebrate mine.

Most of these people are in my life because of M today and I am most thankful to my beau for that. You are amazing M for shaking hands with me with the largest open handed handshake.

Some time saying less is more. So all I have to say today is " :)"

Depth of friendship does not depend on length of acquaintance, is that a truth I might learn? A Seed for thought for the ones like me who over the years have started giving the number of years far more importance.

Turn Turn Turn

“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare

My life has taken a turn...a turn that I don't at times have the intelligence or foresight to comprehend.

I didn't think I would be here...its so so so much better. No more feeling unwanted...unloved. I seem to have got life back into me. I am living again.

Yet there is sadness...years back I had ticked that box of a life partner.  I would never be alone again. I am back at that same point...and this time there is no box to tick. Yes, I know I know a lot of you out there say that there is hope...and who knows tomorrow. Yadi yadi ya. Its not that. Its just that the goal post have changed.

I will never be that beautiful young girl again... you have no idea how gorgeous I looked at my wedding. Looking back I can say that I have never looked that beautiful as I did that day. No, been there and done that. Its time to now look at life in another way. Achieve other life goals.

I found my ex cheating on me for the 100th time in Goa and that is where it was over for good. While I caught him in the act, right next to us were sitting this couple, Childhood friend of my ex. His wife was having trouble conceiving and I could totally understand how she felt as I was going through the same. Well, anyways I bumped into her yesterday with her 6 month old son. How time has flown...here she is with a baby that all but  a conversation a few years back and me, well, I have made peace with the fact (with much mental turmoil I admit) that I will never have that chance in my life.

So much one goes through...and yet there is so much life still left to live. All I know that during the festival time I feel a bit sad. I hope one day I will be over it, stop feeling sorry for my self. I hope one day when Karva chauth is round the corner I am strong enough to stay and face it and not run away.

I hope one day I understand how beautifully life tuned for me.

A Seed for thought for those who like me can't understand why they are sad when there is so much to be thankful for.

Kill It

Fear cannot take what you do not give it. Hmm.. true that!

Fear overcomes fear. I have lived a life full of fear for a while. I grew up a very fearless girl...rather I could do anything that a boy could do, only better. As a kid I learnt to cycle on my own...no one taught me, held my cycle, saved me from falling etc. I knew no fear! Then why did a failing relationship bind me down so bad that all I could feel was fear. I often think about it now...as I conquer all these new found fears, one by one.

For a kid who could spend a long time in the cupboard hiding to win a game of hide and seek, today I can barely get into an elevator alone. Strange as for years I worked on the 8th floor of a building and never gave it a thought. Just as my life was falling apart one day I got stuck in the elevator for not more than a minute, the longest minute of my life I may add. The next thing you know I started getting panic attacks on stepping into a elevator alone or even a flight or any closed space. It became so bad that I actually ran out of a movie halls when the lights went off. No one including my parents could get this strange phenomenon taking over my life....FEAR!!!

The other fear I developed was of driving. I drove a kinetic for a few years and never gave driving a second thought. Cut to a few years later I just could not get my self to drive a car. So as a 20 something I had a driver to ferry me around. I just could not understand why I would freeze every time I got behind the wheel. Another unfounded fear...another thing that was binding me down.

So the first thing I did after moving out was to sort the damn fears. Though I have to admit, I did a HUGE support of friends and family. So one fine day I sacked my driver and got behind the wheel. No driving classes...nothing! Just plain ol good sense and drove to work. Needless to say I could barely stand once I reached work, my legs were shaking!!! But I did it...I kicking my fucking fear hard.

Today I am driving all over and my aim is to drive to the hills. Fear is a coward my friends. I think sometimes the fear of loss opens us up to attract more fear. Its like mind goes weak as one fear is spreading like cancer and the next thing you know all other cancerous fears start taking over. Reclaim you life... reclaim those fearless years. I know for me it helped me face my fears. I looked deep into fears eyes till it looked away. I starved it. I refused to feed my fear with more fear. One by one its dying. I am enjoying every bit of killing it. I know I am still work in progress...and get there I will.

The best gift I gave my self was to fight back fear. I took it by surprise, just when it got all cozy and warm in my being. I am so glad I am driving around...singing along loudly with songs on FM, on my way to work every morning. Some times in my rear view mirror I see the girl who learnt to cycle on her own at age 5 and I wave to her and she gives me the thumbs up.

Its within us to choose to be fearful of the dark or have deep fear of the light. Choose your path carefully. A Seed for Though for the ones who choose fear of light

Slave

Most people are too busy earning a living to make any money.


I am a slave in a democracy. That’s what I feel like at times. Who says slavery is over, I think its only got reformed. I will be waking up till I am 60 yrs old and will leave for office every single day. I need to earn a living or I will die of hunger. I have to work every god damn day to ensure that I have resources to feed, clothe and provide for my self. I am a slave in the corporate world, the only difference being that I am not chained physically to my desk. But all the invisible chain and ball are tied to me though email, blackberry et al. Hell ya… I am a full on slave for sure!

I have NO TIME to stand and stare. I am always running to meet deadlines, flights, cabs, meetings etc. From the time I leave home in the morning, I am in a race, all that just so that I can make ends meet. What if I want to just live by a river side…grow my own vegetables? Well yes of course you can maam starting at 1.5 crores a house!

All of us are just toiling away every single day so that we can provide. Man has complicated his being on earth so damn much that we are slaves to ourselves now. Our needs and desires have got us hostage. We can never be free. Our quest only is material and it’s not going to end in this life time.

All I want is that little piece of land.

Are people better at making money and assets or am I just plain stupid?? A Seed for Thought for a very foolish me.

Sista's

"Let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit." Kahil Gibran


I Just got back after a hectic work trip that I combined with a personal holiday. It was such a rejuvenating holiday for me. 2 days …that’s all it took to feel like a girl again, a lucky girl. I am a very lucky girl and sadly at times I go out of my way to forget that. Why don’t I remember the fact that things could have been weirder and far less cooler??!

I look back and see the wonderful friendships that I have endured, nourished and grown over the past few years. It’s not easy I think to find friends, but I think it’s even more difficult to maintain friends when you find them. It takes so little to walk away from friendships and other things that require our attention. It’s so easy to give up.

I am so glad that I endured these friendships. It has been a ride over the past years. We go back to the time that most of our current friends have not been part of. What we do for each other is keep the youth warm and cosy in our memories. No don’t get me wrong…its not that we are old or something (far from that!). By youth I mean we remind each other of the rather foolish yet gusty decision we made while growing up. Some thing as simple as bunking a class is gusty I think…something that we did with such ease and flourish…and today we think 40 times before taking an impulsive half day from work. That is what we keep warm in our memories…the small gusty things that each one of us did…and can STILL DO!

We take care of each other yet we lead insular lives. So much goes on day to day that I don’t think we can keep up with the goings on. Yet, we gather each other and prod the other to walk that last mile of any race of life. Together we can put back a broken soul with the strength of our friendship. I know as I have witnessed this miracle.

I have many new friends and they accept me for who I am today. I need them too for they are my today but my yester friends are my yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Are friendships our biggest test of time? A Seed for Thought for the ones like me who has many many friends and well wishers but my best friends have been and will be the ones with whom I endure the passage of time.

Yawn!

I am bored!! So many changes in my life, things to do lists, places to go, dreams to live …yet I am bored.


I mean do you see how high maintenance I must be for my self. Always trying to entertain me! Keeping my self occupied with hours of net surfing. Checking out blogs, gossip sites, cooking tips, fashion and beauty updates. I am constantly reading, either a book or a magazine or a blog or an email or a txt message. My eyes and brain are constantly flirting, you do this ..I do that!!

When I get bored of living my life vicariously through the net then I take out time and meet real people aka friends and family. I will socialize…meet, dine, wine, and talk. Something is going on constantly. Talking, listening, emoting, expressing, and indulging.

I will find my self spending hours in traffic jams. In midst of the chaos on the roads, I will be connecting to the RJ on my favorite radio channel, taking work calls, cursing the car that grazed me by, smiling at the dude in the next car, scowling at the beggar who wont leave me alone.

If that too is not enough I will find my self cleaning my house, my office space, my car. Cleaning out the cobwebs constantly. Well, when I am done with that then I might find my self in a mall or cinema. Either window shopping, thinking …debating, to buy or not to buy. Once done with that I will watch a movie…connect to it …think over it, like it, hate it…occupy my brain with it as if it already wasn’t doing enough.

I might even find my self sitting in my terrace and reflect about my past, dwell in my present and day dream about my future. You see my friends its non stop!! In spite of doing all this and more…I find my self in this place in time…where I am freaking bored!!!

Boredom: The desire for desires?? Is that true?! A Seed for Thought for people who are too bored to be thinking about boredom!

Credit

I know I don’t give you much credit

But you have got to know…

It’s important for me to express my self

And move on for sure



Mush is not my nature

I know you have rescued me

Don’t feel sorry for your self

Coz you feel I am too damn weak



This too shall pass

And my baggage will be free

But for that at times

I need to express grief



Lord has a plan

And I have mine too

You feature in mine big time

After all he has put you here



Lets just laugh like mad kids

Like we always do

I won’t be grieving for long

That I promise you!



Laughter and sunshine
 
is what I have in mind
 
for I know that darkness
 
has lead me to this light!!

Me Lord

This is an email I sent to my MD and CEO today morning. I desperately need help and am clearly frustrated. This was a trigger after my very able colleague in UK suggested I might want to collect press pieces from publication on a bike as NYC colleagues do that!! I have been having very frustrating times trying to retrieve pieces from "A" particular magazine.

NYC...did you really just compare us to NYC. Errr...really...have you any idea what cycling in 40 degrees Celsius can do to a human being, esp the lah di dah ones like me!! I have no idea if I still have a job after this email is read.

The email:

Morning Me Lords,


In Bollywood Movies once the hero/heroine(aka aunty small miracle) is bereft of all that they have ever had…they goes to only one place that they know they will get answers from. THE TEMPLE OF GOD!!! So, today I find my self on the door steps of the my 2 Lord and masters…I am now ringing the bells in great earnest for my wish to be heard. I will ensure that every Courier Company personally knows me by name in all the 4 metros of our country…and I cycle to every nook and corner to pick up sample pieces if need be…But for that I need some assistance. I would be most grateful if we could PLEASE look at hiring an executive for Marketing.


If there was not so much pressure, I can assure you, I would not be at your doorstep ringing the bells of despair!


Next time I get such request of spending hours trying to get a garment back, I can then with joy look at my colleagues in UK and say “ Tumahare paas Christopher or Angela hai par mere paas EXECUTIVE hai!”


Can we please discuss having an executive in marketing?

Thanks!

Small Miracle

Hmmm

Some times the best way to have a good look at your self is through some one else eyes...and hope in hell that you like what you see.

There are often times we are a projection of what we are expected to be. In the projection we start to believe who we want to be and maybe not who we really are. The moment of truth is when you hear what people who matter think of you. Sometimes its like they are talking about a different person...this is not me, how often have we said that to our selves??

D always told me from childhood that I was very difficult to deal with when I sulk. I want to wallow in my own cocoon of emotions. The more she tried to make me feel better the worse I felt. I just can't snap out of it. Do people snap out of funk just like that?? Is that true and if it is then why am I not able to do that??

That is just how I am. Once I snap out of it I am fine and normal, as expected by society. I just always feel like I am not given my time with the dark side...why can't I just be dark for a while?? More than you its me who doesn't like to go to the dark side. I know that when I do I will be told what a sulky poo I can be. I don't scream and shout, abuse, throw crockery, get into mad rage fits. I wish I did that, but I don't. All I do is retreat into my being till I am OK to face the world.

Mostly I like what I see of my self through some one else eyes and then there are times I just don't like it at all. Is it important to be nice and bubbly all the time? A Seed for Thought for the ones like me who are constantly searching the ways of being a better person and finding the path bumpy.